I recently saw a documentary about a wife who was convicted of murdering her husband by slowly poisoning him over the span of about a year – rat poison I believe it was. Tragic and horrific, she’d begun shortly after they’d married. As the man grew sicker, no one knew what was wrong with him. It wasn’t until an autopsy was done that doctors determined he was poisoned.
I don’t know a single wife who would do that to her husband. Why would a wife ever intentionally hurt someone – especially the one she loves and committed her life to? Right?
Unbeknownst to many wives, you may be slowly killing your husband’s love for you and the health of your marriage with a slow, drop-by-drop poison. How? By being disrespectful.
The Differences Between Men & Women
The differences between men and women can be hard to understand and even harder to navigate in today’s ever changing cultural and political landscape. I recently came across a study that had identified over 6,500 biological differences between men and women. The differences are many and yet are often far more complicated than what we think of on the surface. Not only do we have differences in our bodies, we also often have differing thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
When looking at this from a relational perspective, women tend to have an increased need to feel love and affection as well as a broader emotional perspective over that of men. Men on the other hand will tend to have a greater desire to be trusted and respected over the thoughts and feelings of women. In fact, after working with numerous couples within relational conflict, it’s pretty clear from research – as well as my clinical experience – that men thrive when they feel trust and respect from others – especially their wives!
For most men, disrespect (coupled by a lack of trust) is like kryptonite to them. While there are men out there who have a long history of failing and can’t be depended for valid reasons, there are far more who can. When they feel their wives are unfairly being disrespectful, it causes them to disengage from the relationship. This is why it’s critical for wives to recognize the ways in which they are knowingly and unknowingly disrespecting their husbands and to understand the effect it has on him. Below is some food for thought – maybe you could spend some time looking over the list and see if any of these habits ring true in your relationship.
Verbal Disrespect
The tongue is a powerful tool. As the strongest muscle in the body, it can build up someone stronger than the greatest monument or it can tear someone down quicker than King Kong knocks over a tower. Verbally disrespecting your husband can happen in several ways.
1. Being verbally disrespectful to him
Tone and word choice plays a big role in the way you speak to your husband. He is not your child. He is a grown man – YOUR man – and should be spoken to as such. Do you order your husband around – treating him like an errand boy or employee? “We need more milk. Get up and run to the store for some.” “Do you even hear the kids arguing? Aren’t you going to handle that!?” Do you speak to him as if he’s less intelligent than you? “What were you thinking carrying that in here? Are you stupid or something?” Do you demand you way or the highway? “I want to buy that and I’m going to.” “I want you to get up and clean the garage now!” Do you use absolutes when you speak to him? “You never help me out. You’re always forgetting things!”
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. We big, buff, bravado men actually have pretty delicate, fragile egos. We don’t take well to being bossed around, spoken down to, or laughed at – especially by our wives. We may have to take it from the CEO at work, but we don’t want to in our homes.
Sarcastic overtones and passive-aggressive backhanded comments about us, our actions, our families, our jobs, our salaries, our parenting, or any other aspect of our lives is disrespectful – a rat poison to our ego and our willingness to love.
2. Being verbally disrespectful when talking about him (to friends, family, kids, etc.)
Women are relational. It’s how you were made. You love to call up your mom or sister or friends and talk. And that’s a good thing. Talk away. But, be careful what you say about us.
Many women disrespect their husbands by oversharing. Whether it be about something less-than-noble we did or our performance in the bedroom or a poor decision we made, wives should never share stories about their husbands that paint them in a negative light. Your stories shouldn’t portray your husband as dumb, incompetent, or irresponsible. Don’t “vent” about your husband to others. Your complaints about him probably aren’t painting the best picture of him. (Side note: DO tell someone if there is something unhealthy happening in your home like abuse or illegal activity. This is a totally different ballgame from disrespect. This kind of sharing is about safety and well-being.)
And if you have children, you influence the way your children view your husband. Ultimately, you impact the way your children think they need to behave as mothers and fathers in the future. Do you argue with him in front of them or go behind his back? Do you imply to your kids that you can manipulate or trick him into doing what you want or into agreeing with you? Do you make big decisions without asking for his input? All of these actions and words show disrespect. A wife who wants to respect her husband will make it clear to her children that she and her husband are equals when it comes to parenting.
NonVerbal Disrespect
1. Showing a lack of gratitude or appreciation
Wives can disrespect their husbands by neglecting to show their husbands appreciation. Chances are, your husband goes to work day after day and comes home to you night after night. Does his loyalty go unnoticed and unappreciated? Your husband may be doing little deeds that you don’t even notice. Maybe he keeps your yard mowed or car serviced. Maybe he’s a really great dad or takes care of his parents (maybe your parents) well. Look for the little things and pay him a compliment every day – even if it’s just that you like his outfit choice.
2. Using your body language (eye rolling, or huffing/puffing/sighing) in disapproval
Perhaps you choose not to make the sarcastic comment or demand, but instead you slam the door. He still got the same message of disrespect. When he says something you disagree with and you are silent but still roll your eyes, it’s disrespect. Passive-aggressive huffing and puffing are interpreted as the same disrespect to him as nagging and fussing at him. It’s not enough to control the tongue – you’ve got to make the rest of the body cooperate too.
3. Blatantly ignoring his requests/wishes
If your husband has expressed his desire for you to not make a particular purchase and you do it anyway, he feels disrespected. If he asked you to please stop making plans for him and you continue to do so, he feels disrespected. If he asked you to please keep your piles of endless makeup off the counter, and you repeatedly fail to do so, he feels disrespected. I’m not saying his wishes or requests are the right ones (personally, I could care less what make-up my wife does or doesn’t leave out), but I am saying that ignoring them after he’s shared them with you does make him feel disrespected by you.
But What If He Doesn’t Deserve Respect?
Maybe you honestly feel he doesn’t deserve respect. Well, when you got married, you didn’t vow to honor him only when he deserved it or he earned it. You vowed to do it until death. It wasn’t conditional.
And I’ll add, if you’re a Christian, then it’s actually commanded that you respect your husband. (I know no one likes to be commanded to do anything, but hey, I didn’t author the Bible and I’m pretty sure the One who did isn’t worried about bruising your pride with a commandment.) “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33, italics mine). It is not on you to make him love you or to make him act respectable, but it is on you to show respect to and for him – no matter what. If he’s acting in a way you feel unworthy of respect, leave that to God to judge and convict. Pray for your husband. Love your husband. Respect your husband. And let God work on him in His own way, in His time. Do your part and leave the rest to God.
This is NOT an easy thing to always do. I get it. I’m a guy. I know we can sometimes be stubborn, insensitive, or even sometimes oblivious. But when my wife respects me despite my shortcomings, I’m driven to be a better man for her and for God. I’m motivated to love her more and be a man more worthy of her respect.
If you’re going through a season of marriage where respecting him is difficult, or if he’s frustrated and you just don’t know how to help, let’s connect. As a trained counselor, I can help equip you with tools to better respect your husband and grow your marital bond. Contact me today to let the growing begin. (insert contact me link)