They took care of us when we were sick. They clothed us, housed us, taught us, and loved us. I’m talking about our parents, of course. For many of the folks I work with, their parents have become senior-citizens. This demographic is growing rapidly as we are seeing longer life-spans and many medical improvements. But, does age always come with dignity and happiness?
Some may argue ‘no.’ It’s a season change in life (and a humbling one at that), when our parents begin to lose some of their independence. We’re often left wondering what the right thing to do is when those who once cared for us are now in need of our care – when the ones who handed us the keys to the car and gave us permission to drive must now have their keys taken away for their own safety. How do we help our parents maintain their dignity while losing their independence?
What Does a Loss of Independence Look Like?
A loss of independence in an aging adult can differ. They may experience physical losses such as difficulty climbing the stairs or getting into the bath, a loss of energy, hearing problems, vision problems or an inability to walk long distances. They may be restricted to a walker, a wheelchair, daily medications, or hearing aids. This can impact their ability to attend social functions, go out to eat, visit places, etc. Mental losses can compound this loss of independence, and they can be much more confusing than physical losses. Mental losses include forgetfulness and a difficulty remembering to do even daily activities. This impacts relationships and basic activities like paying bills, taking the right medications, and eating properly.
This loss of independence creates an emotional loss as well. Aging parents can experience a tremendous amount of frustration, feelings of inadequacy, and extreme sadness about the loss of control in their life. It’s normal for seniors to be afraid and wonder how they will manage on their own. Others get angry when they can no longer manage independently and may lash out at the very loved ones who are trying to care for them. Still others experience feelings of guilt, as if they are a burden on family or friends. All of these feelings are normal.
To add to this, the caregiver child can experience an array of emotions from sadness over the changes in life to feelings of frustration with a parent who may lash out at them. It’s important to know you’re not alone and help is available for coping with those emotions – for both you and your aging parent.
How Can I Help My Parent Who Is Losing Independence?
Few things are more conflicting than caring for our once caretakers. We love our parents and we want to make sure they’re safe, but it’s difficult to watch them lose their independence. My hope is to equip you with a few tips to help you and your parent adjust to this transition with respect, dignity, and happiness.
Be patient with one another.
It can take time for aging adults to acknowledge and accept their losses. It also takes time to find the best routines and new normals. Bear with one another and remind one another frequently that everything you do is in love.
Make daily functions easier.
There is a plethora of services available to make our aging parent’s daily life easier when they begin losing independence. Consider food delivery services for those who can no longer drive to the grocery store. Purchase “smart” pill boxes that administer the correct meds on the correct days. Install bathroom rails and shower stools for easier bathing. Lower shelves for easier access and to minimize the chances of a fall. Install home security so you can help remotely control locks and thermostats while “checking on” your parent (without having to call and nag).
Ask for interactive care.
An aging parent can easily become frustrated with someone who comes in and takes over all of their tasks. They may feel “babied” or useless. Ask the caretaker (whether it’s you or hired help) to do tasks alongside your parent rather than for your parent. Seniors maintain a sense of independence by walking with someone to get the mail (ever long as it may take) rather than someone bringing it to them. Cook dinner together rather than for them – even if they’re just sitting and peeling potatoes.
Consider senior living facilities.
While the goal of many seniors may be to stay in their own home as long as possible, the social interactions that senior facilities offer can add to the quality of life for many aging adults. Many senior living facilities have changed the way they operate and many are designed as condos or apartments within a group meeting area. They offer opportunities for an active social life and nurture friendships.
Communicate with them.
Share your concerns with your parent and listen to theirs. Can a compromise be made that allows them their dignity while still protecting their safety? If mental clarity and reasoning is still intact, include your parents in meetings with professionals such as doctors and nurses about their health and wellbeing. Work out what they need in front of them so they see you are on their side.
Keep them connected with loved ones.
Do what you can to help them maintain relationships with friends and family. Perhaps this means driving them to a lunch date with some old friends or maybe hosting a family brunch from time to time. In the busy hustle of life, those who age and slow down can often be left behind. Advocate for your loved ones by encouraging family and friends to initiate a visit with your parent.
If your parent is struggling with these transitions, consider family counseling.
For many seniors, the transition into reduced independence can be very stressful and full of uncertainty. If your parent is struggling emotionally, there are therapy techniques that can help them process and cope with the transitional issues so often associated with this phase of life. It’s not uncommon for seniors to deal with varying aspects of depression, anxiety, and resentment as they see and feel their world getting smaller and smaller. One of these processes is known as Narrative Therapy. This process provides clients the opportunity to reconstruct the meaning of their story in a way that provides a deeper sense of understanding of the individual elements of their story, as well as the impact it has on overall their life and their current identity. It can also be used to explore the deeper existential meaning of their own life and the best way it should be lived going forward. The prospect and opportunity to externalize the greater historical perspective of their narrative can often help to reduce their overall negative emotions and find greater meaning and purpose to this season of life.
As with all seasons of life, we must learn to cope and adjust. If you’re struggling with an aging parent, you may benefit from working with a trained counselor. I’d love to come alongside you and/or your parent in this journey.
– Joel D. Walton