If you were alive during the Top Gun era, you can probably sing every word to The Righteous Brothers’ “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling.” No judgment and no shame – I’d sing right along with you…and Goose and Maverick, if I could only carry a tune!
But losing that loving feeling is actually a reality for many married couples. Time passes, the honeymoon phase is long over, life sets in, and the feelings start to fade. I’m sure you’ve heard someone say (or maybe even confessed yourself) that they’ve fallen out of love.
Why does this happen to so many couples and is there hope for bringing back the love? I’m here to tell you from years of experience with many couples, YES! Love and marriage require daily commitment and daily hard work. Like heaping coals on a hot fire to keep it from burning out, we have to be intentional about fueling the flames in our marriages as well.
3 Things That Extinguish The Flame
Once you strip away all of the “falling out of love” or “love growing cold” lingo and take a look at what’s really going on in stale relationships, there are many common reasons why couples’ feelings fade.
- Unresolved Conflict
This could be a lingering marital issue between you and your mate or an issue that has nothing to do with him or her – it may have been there before your mate was even in the picture. Unresolved issues with our mate such as fundamental disagreements in your roles, boundaries, money or child related concerns can breed anger and resentment. It’s difficult to feel all warm and fuzzy about someone you’re ticked at deep down. It’s even harder to wantto work on that attraction when you feel you’ve been slighted or that your mate isn’t meeting your needs.
Other hurts damage that love and attraction whether we realize it or not. Untreated abuse from childhood or previous relationships, the loss of someone close to us, infertility, and spiritual baggage (like shame) all impact our marital intimacy and our desire to grow it.
- Unguarded Hearts
Nothing destroys our attraction for our mate more than outside influences and temptations. When we compare our mate to other people, we see only the negative about our spouses and leave no room for love and attraction. Emotional and physical affairs (past or present) destroy trust, confidence, intimacy, and bend our emotions away from love and toward fear, resentment, and hopelessness. Even mentally entertaining an attraction or fantasies of someone we aren’t married to inadvertently pulls our affections away from our mate.
- Roommate Status
Even if you don’t have any unresolved issues and you’ve both been 100% faithful (mentally, emotionally, and physically), day to day routines and life demands can extinguish our love feelings. The business of everyday life often sends parents in opposite directions: jobs, meetings, kid-pick up and sports, and a million other daily demands. If a couple is not intentional to carve out one on one time as a couple each day (beyond the business talk of schedules and bills), they run the risk of operating as roommates rather than husband and wife. It’s in the inattention and unintentional that we slowly (but willingly) lose the spark.
3 Ways to Refuel the Flames
Now that you’re able to recognize the problem and maybe why it happens, it’s time to resurrect the passion! You can (and should) work to light a fire so big, the honeymoon phase will look like a mere candle.
- Take responsibility for your portion.
Couples co-create a cycle within a relationship; it’s never just one person. When the romance fades, it’s easy to point the finger and blame your spouse. This spousal blame started way back in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve in Genesis 3 of the Bible. It’s literally been going on for all of humanity. Yet, it’s never been helpful. Don’t play the victim. Take a look at your relationship and interactions with your mate. What is your role in the fizzled out romance? What can you work on to change bad habits and treat your spouse with more love? After all, love is a verb and not a feeling. If you act with love, you will in turn feel more loving. It’s an outward to inward thing rather than an inward to outward.
If there is something you’re pointing your finger at your mate about, forgive it. Forgiving your spouse is the only way to work through an unhappy time or move past an obstacle. Taking responsibility and forgiving will shift your focus toward that of love and gratitude.
- Never stop dating your partner.
When you two were dating, you made love look effortless. You wanted the other person to be happy and you did what you could to make it happen. You grew those love feelings by spending time together, taking new adventures together, and you talked until the sun came up! Now that you’re married, you have something amazing – commitment and security. But, we cannot abandon the romance! Get a sitter and go out for dinner and a movie. Take a weekend getaway to a new destination. Bring her flowers and a card. Buy him tickets to the big game. Leave the cell phones at home and take a brisk walk together through the neighborhood and talk. Get to know one another again. You’ve grown and your tastes have changed, so take the time to learn your mate again.
- Prioritize physical intimacy.
Reconnect sexually…and often! Like the friction of two sticks can cause a spark, sexual intimacy can erupt the passion in a relationship. Flirt, kiss, hold hands, put effort into foreplay, and spend more time and energy in the bedroom (or wherever else). The warmth from that heated passion will pour out into the rest of your interactions, drawing you too together like love magnets. Change it up, be playful, and be open to the idea of being sexual.
If you and your mate have hit a rough, love-dry spell and need to reignite the passion (both inside and outside of the bedroom), don’t wait to do so. Time and energy invested today are the first steps toward passionate romance tomorrow. If you need help kick-starting this work, you may benefit from working with a trained professional. Contact me today and I’ll work with you and your mate to “bring back that loving feeling.”
-Joel D. Walton