So you got a DNA kit for Christmas and you can’t wait to see the blend of ethnicities and cultures you’ve come from?
We’ve all seen the commercials of happy people discovering who they are – and for most people, I’d say it’s fun and exciting to live in a time when we no longer have to guess! With these home test kits you can have credible evidence other than what someone once told someone else who passed it along from another person they heard it from.
Not long ago most people recorded their family history in what was called the Family Bible. If you see an older bible you’ll notice that they have a section to record births, deaths, and marriages. For most of us, a large part of what we know about our own family history comes from sources like this that have been passed down. Sadly, these are often missing information at best and at worse can often be given a revisionist spin on the true historical facts. Family skeletons were much easier to hide with a stroke of pen than it is today.
Today, these test kits from companies like Ancestory.com, 23andMe.com, and CRIgenetics.com have exploded in popularity. Starting back around 2012, these kits starting gaining popularity andt were selling at a rate of around 250,000 units per year. This year they are expecting to sell at a rate of over 30,000,000 units! In fact, in the next 10 years some say your DNA results will be as common as having a government issued ID card. These DNA tests can produce a ton of information about your family history including health risks and family planning information. They have solved crimes and have freed wrongly convicted individuals, some of whom have spent decades in prison for a crime they didn’t commit. But that’s not all, most of the companies, once you’ve signed up, will update your information as others participate in the testing process and more distant family members get tested.
While these kits have been a wonderful experience for many, the down side of what may be learned by these has been a cause of a lot of emotional pain and distress for countless families. As therapists, we’re seeing the results of the down side of these tests in our office and have begun a new type of counseling I refer to as Ancestry Counseling. It’s working with people who have learned information either directly or indirectly from one of these tests and are deeply troubled by why they’ve discovered and are struggling to process what it means to them. The number of these cases I’ve worked with has dramatically increased as these tests grow in popularity.
People are discovering everything from they were adopted and never knew it; to they have an adult son, a brother, cousin that was the result of a one nightstand, or even a date rape, from 30 years ago! For many it can impact everything they knew about themselves and their identity and it can leave a family reeling from learning difficult history of a family member they thought they knew, but now are no longer sure. The possibilities are almost endless and each case is very different in structure and impact on both individuals and families.
For many, they aren’t the ones that directly got tested. Instead, they may have been contacted through social media or another method with information they often can’t believe. The purpose of this article is not to try and talk you out these tests, but rather to help give you a framework for navigating through surprising or shocking test results from either yourself or somebody you know. You’re ability to navigate this depends greatly on your level or connection to the information and the role you play in the process.
I’ve broken this down to three possible connections you may have to the information and two roles you may be a part of in dealing with discovered information. The three connections you may have are Direct Connection, Indirect Connection, or an Associate Connection. The two roles you may find yourself a part of are the Discovere or Disclosure. Understanding your connection and role in this model will give you some tools to either cope with your own emotions and/or equip you to help someone else who maybe struggling.
Three Possible Connections
Direct Connection
This connection is closest to you and has to do with a direct connection to your primary family. This would involve your mother, father, sister, brother, husband, wife, or child. This is often the most upsetting of connections because of the proximity to your family of origin and your own personal identity. Again, the possibilities are endless and the impact on you or your family can be widespread. I should mention, there are possibilities of very positive outcomes from these connections – providing they are worked through in a kind and loving way rather than anger, hurt, and outrage. People are flawed and while there might be a significant amount of hurt, there is also the possibility of significant healing.
If you find yourself in this type of connection, I would encourage you to get help from a competent therapist and work through your own thoughts and emotions before taking any steps with the information you may have. The overall outcome could weigh heavily on why, how, and the manner in which you proceed. This type of counseling can often be limited to one or two sessions. Reading this article is a good step in helping you process your next steps.
Indirect Connection
This connection is a lower connection but can still be troubling. This type of connection is at least one person removed from your primary family of origin. This would be a family member to a direct connection – perhaps an aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent, or great grandparent. It could also be an adopted family member or a step family member to you. These connections are more distant in regards to your own identity and the impact on you but can nevertheless be very troubling for the person(s) who is directly connected to the disclosure.
If you find yourself in this connection, you may have an emotional connection to the events, but you generally will be split between the effect it has on you and your desire to help and support those directly involved with the discovery. You may be left dealing with a host of family dynamics, and you may be able to help stabilize family members by supporting them and helping them resolve what this new information means to them. Again, getting help in solid counseling may help you navigate and help your family heal and grow as a result of having an indirect connection to those involved.
Associate Connection
This connection is the most common of connections and relates to someone you may know who is either a direct connection or an indirect connection. This is often someone you know at work, at church, or in some social setting you belong to. This connection is generally one of a support person or gossip or rumor mill spreader. This is a person that doesn’t have any dog in the race but wants to either help or hurt. They have information they can share with others or can be a calming force who helps those struggling with what they should do about the information they discovered.
Two Types of Roles
Discover
Discover is the first role of learning information either directly or indirectly from the source. This is the process of being exposed to and dealing with what this information means to you. It’s also the point in which many struggle to try and understand depending on their connection to the discovery.
One of the most common ways people I’ve worked with discover their information is as a result of today’s social media where people have contacted them to tell them they are a family member. Often they don’t believe it and start asking questions before fully thinking about the effect that information may have on other family members. People in this role will often want more information and the process of gaining that can move them from a discover to a disclosure.
If you find yourself in this role you’ll need to examine your own thoughts and feelings, as well as be aware of the information you have. You’ll want to consider the effect it can have on others and make sure you’ve thought through (as best you can) what your next steps will be before you go charging into the next role as the disclosure.
Disclosure
This is probably the most difficult of roles because you may be the one opening Pandora’s box to the damage this could have on your family and those you care about. Sadly, this is often used as a weapon against others to upset or discredit them. The disclosure is the role of taking information you have and giving it to others. Some would say you should never do this, while others would disagree. The first thing you have to look at is your motive and reasons. Is it just for your own curiosity or is to protect a family member from having someone confront them?
If you find yourself in this position you should fully understand (as best you can) the motives and intentions of all the stakeholders before taking on this role. Most of the cases I’ve worked with have been closed adoptions and decisions made by others that sometimes are no longer alive to ask or question. We live in a time where birth control is widely available and where other options are more openly given than they were 30, 40, or even 50 years ago. Place yourself back to that timeframe by trying to attune to those who may have made those decisions. It can go a long way in understanding the desire to hide or avoid talking about or how they may still be struggling to hide their past. Likewise, others may have no idea they fathered a child or had a sibling and can be overwhelmed with grief and regret for a life they never had a chance to be a part of. These can be life changing and can deeply impact your relationship with those you disclose to.
Your connection and the role you take or find yourself in depends on a lot on the impact and effect these new DNA test results will have on you. If you’ve not been impacted at some level by these tests, it’s likely you may at some point. The role you take and the reasons behind your methods can go a long way in helping yourself or someone you know move from their past and take hold of their own mended life.
If you or someone you know is struggling with the results of a DNA test, please send them this article and let them know help and healing can be found –regardless of their connection or the role they’re in.
-Joel