I read something interesting recently on the behavior of animals. Apparently, when two goat meet on a narrow pathway, they don’t know how to handle the situation. Most often they will either just stand there until someone or something comes along to help one of them change course, or they will butt heads until the other is moved.
On the contrary, when two sheep meet in a similar circumstance, one of the sheep will instinctively lay down and let the other step over it so that both can continue on their way.
When it comes to conflict, are we goats or sheep? No two people are just alike. No two people think alike or have the exact same opinions and beliefs. This is why it is inevitable that conflict will arise in every relationship. Whether it be a coworker, neighbor, friend, or spouse, conflict at some point is a guarantee.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s what we do with our conflict that will determine if good or bad comes from the situation. Conflict allows us the opportunity to learn about one another and creates an opportunity for empathy and understanding.
We’ve talked about tackling conflict before. It’s a topic worth exploring again. Afterall, I see a lot of conflicts in my line of work.
5 Types of People in a Conflict
Over years of observing those in conflict, I’ve found that people tend to become one of these five types of people when disagreements surface. Some are a combination of two types, but I bet if you are honest then you will see yourself in one (or two) of these types as you read along.
The Peacemaker
The peacemaker hates fighting and will avoid it like the plague. The peacemaker seeks exactly what their name implies – peace. They will roll over, give in, and do whatever is necessary to make every happy.
The peacemaker is often playing referee or mediator as they seek to find a compromise for all parties (except themselves). The peacemaker considers it a win when the flames of the fight are hosed down and extinguished.
The peacemaker may appear to be pretty selfless and noble, but this isn’t always the case. The peacemaker may have no boundaries or may be an enabler at times. It’s easy to walk all over the peacemaker in a conflict.
The Sulker
The sulker is pretty easy to spot. You can find them moping around after the fight is over. They struggle emotionally to bounce back from conflict. They say they are fine, but their tone and body language imply otherwise.
The sulker just cannot get over it or move past it. Their behavior may be an effort to guilt the opposing party after the conflict has passed or it may be the result of feeling like they didn’t “get it all out” during the fight. The sulker is prone to holding a grudge also.
The Sweeper
I also refer to this person as the “stuffer.” The sweeper likes to “sweep” everything under the rug or “stuff” their problems deep down. The sweeper may at times appear to be like the peacemaker, but there is trouble (an unhealthy amount) brewing for the sweeper. It’s difficult to get the sweeper to talk about their feelings or communicate about problems.
At some point there will be no space left for sweeping things away and something (often miniscule) will set the sweeper off and all of that was stuffed and pushed and hidden away will burst out. You don’t want to be around when this explosion finally happens.
The sweeper is prone to a hardening of heart also. Given they sweep away their problems rather than tackle them, they can harbor bitterness and resentment toward others – often before they even realize they have built up that wall and often without the offender knowing they’ve upset the sweeper.
The Lawyer
The lawyer is quick, sharp, logical, and has a great memory. This person pulls out ALL of their evidence in a fight. They forget nothing and present everything in an effort to litigate and make their point.
The lawyer isn’t finished until they are ruled victorious in a conflict. It’s difficult to talk to the lawyer as they don’t allow much time for rebuttal, and the lawyer will stop at nothing to be “right.” They want to prove their point – at any expense.
The Yeller
Some people grow up in a home of yellers. Maybe they come from a boisterous family or a large family and are just used to being loud – it’s just how their family was.
Other yellers think that the louder they get, the better chance they have of shutting down the competition in a conflict. They will just talk (and then yell) louder and louder until you back down – probably from exhaustion.
Can you imagine the reaction of a peacemaker or stuffer when in conflict with a yeller? It’s likely quite the shock and most definitely not a viable interaction for resolution.
The Fuel Behind EVERY Conflict
No matter what type of person you are when faced with conflict, that’s not what’s going to start or end the conflict. You see, I believe that every conflict in all of history – nationally or personally – begins for the same reason. And recognizing and owning that reason is the key to ending or diffusing conflict.
What is it that is the fuel behind every single conflict? Simply put: we didn’t get what we wanted.
Now before you get upset and start pointing fingers or telling me about what the other person did or didn’t do, let me explain. We find ourselves in conflict with others when we don’t get what we wanted.
He didn’t help around the house like I wanted. She didn’t appreciate what I did for her. I was the more qualified for the job and I wanted it.
Even when we seem to have the noblest motives like wanting what’s best for someone else, it’s still that we wanted it and it didn’t happen. I didn’t want him to cheat and he did. I wanted her to quit drinking and she didn’t. While some wants are good and justified, we still must own that it’s our wants that help drive conflict.
So, when conflicts arise (and again, they will), we must stop and ask ourselves one question: What is it that I want and am not getting?
When we can ask and answer that question, we are quicker to lay down the ego and pride and frustration and better communicate what’s going on. We are also better able to empathize with the unmet needs and wants of the person we are in conflict with. We change our perspective from blame and anger at someone else and move toward personal responsibility.
And when we arrive at that point, it doesn’t matter if you’re the sulker or sweeper or yeller, resolving the conflict will happen in a much healthier way and with a better long term outcome. We will stop butting our heads together like goats and start laying our own wants down like a sheep.
Conflicts are tough. If you’re stuck in one and could use an unbiased third party to help you work through it, a trained professional counselor can be beneficial. Contact me today and let’s start moving you toward healing.
– Joel D. Walton