Some of happiest people I know seem to have one thing in common. They’re resilient!

I marvel at these people who have an authenticity and transparency about them that reflects an openness and wiliness to take risks, despite losses and failures in their life. How do they do it?

There’s nothing so disheartening as realizing that the life you imagined isn’t the life you’re living. Life throws us setbacks and heartaches of every kind. And while many people make a mess of their lives through bad choices, there are many who, despite their best efforts, still endure heartaches, difficulties, and struggles. Yet some keep rising from the ashes.

What is it about the resilient that makes them able to recover? To answer that, maybe we need to take a closer look at human behavior and the fear that so often drives it.

Human behavior can be largely defined by our fears of unmet needs. Too often we’re fearful of the failures of ourselves as well as others to meet those need. We want more of this or less of that. This places us on an endless search for either physical or emotional comfort and security – the list is really endless. In fact, right now there is probably something you need, want, or desire that you hope and believe will move you from your place of discomfort into a place of contentment. If I only had that job promotion. If only I was married to a better man. If I just had _____ (fill in the blank). 

We are always searching to find balance or satisfaction, but when we find it, it’s fleeting. We may have it momentarily, but then it’s lost, and we’re back to the struggle.  Most of us spend the majority of our days thinking, planning, and working to achieve comfort and contentment. We worry about our past, which produces shame and guilt, or we worry about our future, which causes anxiety and apprehension. Since we’re always doing, rather than being, maybe we should change our label from human beings to human-doings!

Our compulsion to “do” colors our perspective continuously, much like colored lenses color the world we see. We have a tendency to measure our life by we get or didn’t get or how we think people see us.

Many of us never learn that true contentment comes from our internal perspectives rather than our external circumstances. It’s not what the world is doing that defines us; it’s what we think about what the world is doing. Resilient people suffer as much as the rest of us, but somehow have the ability to move beyond their circumstances to something much larger.

What’s their secret?

The most resilient people I’ve known remain flexible. It seems that they’ve abandoned their own limited understanding for something far greater. They are often the ones who desire a deeper spiritual awareness and connection to life.

Most of us who seek religion do it out of a sense of duty or obligation. We hope that by “Doing” some things and “Not” doing others, we’ll gain favor with God and/or the universe. That type of faith is built on trying to please rather than trusting.

Unfortunately, that kind of faith makes people believe that through their own efforts, they can personally limit or overcome suffering in this life, rather than leaning on faith that God has things under control. They want God for what He can do for them, not for who He is. Besides having a deep connection with God, resilient people often have a deeper openness and authentic connection to others as well.

We are told in the Old Testament that David was “a man after God’s own heart.” (1 Samuel 13:14) We see David as a man who somehow found favor with God despite his horrible track record of personal failures (adultery, murder, and terrible parenting). But I think that David wanted God, not God’s stuff, which is why he developed such a close relationship with God. The relationship went beyond whatever earthly things David may have gotten from God.

Did David understand something that so many of us miss?

I believe there’s a very simple answer. David understood that God was enough! He didn’t look around at the things he could have or how people were looking at him.

He learned that God could be fully trusted. He learned to live not by his own understanding or by the things of this world, but by placing his faith entirely in God. David knew that God was able to write a much better story in him than he could ever write for himself. He knew that God would plan a much better life for him than he could ever plan for himself.

When people find God, they find happiness.

Beyond that, trusting God helps people understand life and all its setbacks. When you learn that God is really all you have, you stop questioning yourself, doubting your decisions, or worrying about what others think of you. Regardless of your situation, you are able to live a life of being rather than just doing!

Many of us hold to the hope that we can use God’s favor to change our destinies and somehow avoid pain. When we face hard times, we think God is being hard on us. We believe He doesn’t know or care what will really makes us happy.

When we don’t get what we want or demand, it’s easy to say, “God must not have lived up to His side of the bargain!” Some even see God as a big sadistic child with a magnifying glass, and we’re the ants He’s burning. No wonder we’re disenchanted with God. No wonder we’re angry. No wonder we don’t trust. We keep viewing God with human understanding, thinking that’s all there is. Think about it: if we could understand God, wouldn’t He fail to be a God worthy of our trust?

Are happy people able to trust perfectly, even without perfect understanding?

The happiest people are not perfect people; just the opposite. They are people who often fail, just like David did, yet believe in a God that has their best interests. Understanding isn’t required, even in a bad situation or feelings. They choose to want to know God for who He is rather than what He can give them. They stopped trying to please God; instead, they’ve learned to simply trust Him.

I know that this seems very simple. Yet, in its simplicity, it’s complicated enough for us to overlook it. Be the person who can trust. Be resilient, and be happy.

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Are you happy, and do you feel you can trust with an open heart? On a scale of 1-10, how resilient are you?

-Joel Walton