Do you remember the Magic 8 Ball? Ask a yes or no question, shake the ball, turn it upside down, and ta-da, there’s your answer – “All signs point to yes” or “Don’t count on it.” Wouldn’t it be great if we had an accurate Magic 8 Ball to answer all kinds of questions about life? We’d never have to wonder or worry how things would work out because the Magic 8 Ball would tell us.
You and I both know that’s never going to happen. No one can predict the future. However, there are times when we can look at patterns to give us an indication of what could happen.
Researchers recently published an article in the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America (PNAS) sharing different variables they discovered to play a part in the success or failure of a relationship. A longitudinal study of over 11,000 couples produced some rather interesting results. Some are using this study as a proverbial Magic 8 Ball to help assess the health and direction of a relationship.
Factors in a Successful Relationship
The study looked at several factors that contributed to the success or failure of a relationship and broke them down into ten variables – five of which were individual factors and five were relationship factors.
The top five Individual-difference predictors cited in the study were life satisfaction, negative affect, depression, attachment avoidance, and attachment anxiety. The top five relational factors cited were perceived partner commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, perceived-partner satisfaction, and conflict. Interestingly enough, the study pointed out that these factors do not necessarily weigh equally as some can have significantly more influence on a relationship’s chances of success.
Numerous intelligent people have written some interesting articles from this research in an attempt to try and understand what it all means. Many people like a top ten list or a checklist of qualities in a successful relationship. And while I appreciate the research and findings of the study, I’m not going to break these ten factors down. Instead, the thing that struck me most was how close their findings apply to the way in which I actually approach couples counseling.
Regardless of the couple, their issues, or how much they love each other, I have found that the success (or failure) or a couple actually boils down to just one factor –and that’s the way in which couples manage their conflict. Period!
All couples deal with conflict. No one is immune from it. But, the way in which it’s approached says volumes about the health and stability of the individuals and the means and methods they employ in dealing with their relational conflict. You see, the five individual factors and five relational factors cited in the study actually play into how a couple handles conflict.
MythBusters!
One of the greatest myths I face as a relationship counselor is the lie that says truly healthy couples don’t have any conflict. Some people believe there are soulmates out there, and if you just find that one person then everything fits right into place. Sadly, many of the Christians I work with believe strongly that if they have any conflict, they are in some way disappointing God or presenting a bad testimony for others to follow.
I couldn’t disagree with that more! In fact, I believe that it’s impossible for a relationship to grow in the absence of healthy conflict. Conflict is good – fighting is bad. The biggest factor for successful conflict resolution is the ability for the relationship to create an environment of comfort and security in which each person is able to relate and see the other person’s perceived reality. Not just so they understand, but so they each individually feel understood. After all, the biggest complaint I hear in my office is, “ My partner doesn’t understand me.
So, what makes understanding each other (and therefore handling conflict and therefore succeeding in your relationships) so hard? FEAR! Oh, and our need to justify ourselves in the presence of one another. Fear can be narrowed down to two main themes. The first is safety and security and the other is meaning and purpose. Both of these are the driving factors that run what I call the “Big Four” in unhealthy relational conflict. If you look at these closely, they dovetail into the majority of what researchers continue to find.
Here is the four ways F.E.A.R. impacts your conflict resolution:
F – Flexibility: You don’t want to be seen as rigid – a “my way or the highway” type of attitude, but you also don’t want to be too accepting and not be able to set limits or call out bad behaviors.
E – Engagement: You want to be engaged in the process of your relationship. This means you continue to court your partner and put effort into making connections and seeking forgiveness and understanding.
A – Awareness: You want to be aware of what you’re feeling and understand deeper associations and motivations for those feelings – not only in yourself but in your partner as well. This is the central ability to attune and relate. For many, this is a significant issue and an area where the majority of couples counseling actually focuses.
R – Regulation: How well you can regulate your emotions as well as tolerate emotional discomfort is vital. This is probably the second biggest issue in working with couples. Keeping your emotions within a window of tolerance is critical for understanding and working through relational conflict.
When we examine the Big Four more closely, we find they are ideally meant to be qualities which every individual holds, but neither too high or too low in one or more of them. The healthiest couples I see all display an even spread of these qualities.
It should be noted that the larger the differential set point is from one person to the other, the greater the difficulty to successfully navigate conflict. We all think we see things with absolute clarity when often we really don’t. Too often, couples assign motive and meaning to things, and more times than not, we really don’t fully understand. We might know our partner doesn’t like something but fail to fully understand why.
While there are countless reasons individuals can struggle in one of more areas, the end result is the same, and that’s unresolved conflict. When conflict is left unresolved it creates patterns of beliefs we regard as our experiential truth. This isn’t just something you learn but something you live. It is these associations that often are the driving factors to our fears and the things which keep us from ever having the relationship we’ve always dreamed of.
Let’s face it – relationships can be hard. Even strong marriages can occasionally be lacking in some considerably basic ways. It’s a lot of work. Every married person on the planet has doubts, and FEARs. But, awareness, effort, and a total commitment to the promises you made to each other to navigate stormy waters (resolve conflict) are the keys to having the relationship you both wanted and deserve.
If you are struggling with conflict in your relationship and concerned you’re not understanding one another, there is help available. Do not sweep it under the rug, ignore it, or continue in an unhealthy pattern. Your relationship is far too important! Contact me today and let’s put you on a path to success.
– Joel