It’s been said that in a healthy marriage your spouse should be your safety net and the one place (other than God) you should be 100% transparent. While there shouldn’t be any walls within marriage, there are a number of walls you can build AROUND your marriage: to protect, guard, and strengthen it.

Statistically speaking, one or both spouses in more than one third of marriages admit to cheating – either emotionally or physically. I wonder how many of those couples thought about the possibility of adultery when they got married? A former client admitted in his opening session, “When we got married everything was awesome. We were both Christians and really in love. I knew it wouldn’t be perfect, but I never dreamed in a million years that I’d be capable of adultery. It’s just not like me.”

So what happened? Well, simply put, couples put their guard down. They lower their protective walls, or worse, never even build them. And they are left vulnerable in areas of weakness.

Fortify Your Marriage with Boundaries

While each marriage and its circumstances, environment, nuances, and personalities are all unique, we all can benefit from guarding our most important earthly relationship. I highly advise couples to discuss their personal weaknesses and then develop “walls” and boundaries to protect those weaknesses. What are the general practices you and your mate will adhere to in order to respect the boundaries of the marriage? How would you want your mate to behave around others out of consideration to you? What guardrails would you put in place to protect you and your mate from stumbling? Discuss them, agree to them, and add to them throughout the marriage as necessary.

To help you and your mate in this conversation, I’ve listed out some things Christian couples have shared with me over the years they do to help protect their marriages. These are not mandatory for your marriage, but rather suggestions for navigating relationships with caution in hopes of  avoiding the heartache and chaos of an affair. They are applicable ways couples have shared to remain above reproach. It’s important to point out, these guidelines don’t prevent affairs, but they can go a long way in making you aware of your areas of potential vulnerability. In other words, your mileage may vary based on relational condition.

Walls Couples Have Established Around Their Marriages: Safe, Safer, & Safest

Since the enemy can attack in many ways, I’ve broken these walls into four categories: mental, emotional, physical, and technological. I have also labeled these guidelines as safe, safer, and safest. Pick the level that’s needed for your particular situation. What does your level of safety need to be?  If you’re emotionally vulnerable in your relationship, then you’d want to be aware of your need in all three levels (safe, saver, and safest) for emotional protection.

Note: Some of these practices may seem silly or unnecessary to you. To many couples prior to affairs, they seem a bit extreme. But a couple who has experienced the pain of an affair can see the value in building these walls and how they may have helped safeguard them. Modify them to fit your own safety level.

Note: Some of the practices may be tricky for you to implement. Perhaps your job or schedule makes them difficult. Again, these are just ideas others have shared. Do your best to be up-front with friends, coworkers, etc about your own moral convictions and your practices so they understand why you ask for exceptions or alternate approaches. In the end, it’s more important what your spouse thinks than what your friends or coworkers think.

Mental Walls

Safe: Don’t allow your thoughts to dwell. Entertaining thoughts of someone else is a downhill spiral. Sin begins with a thought that was entertained and then allowed to play out. Extinguish thoughts about the others immediately. Don’t replay that co-worker’s compliment over and over in your head. Don’t entertain “what if” thoughts or even indulge in fantasies. The things you dwell on soon evolve into actions.

Safer: Remember your spouse. Filling your thoughts with your spouse leaves little room for others, and that’s a good thing. Remember when your loved one was there in your waking thoughts? Keep them there! Communicate with your spouse each morning that you’re thinking about him/her. Send a loving text or voicemail to your spouse during the day (if your job allows such) letting him/her know they’re on your mind. Share your love and affection each day to remind one another they are you’re one and only.

But I can’t help what I think about. False. The Bible tells us in Romans 12:2 to be transformed by the renewing of our mind. In Philippians 4:8, Paul gives us a list of things to think on and the list includes: “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy.” Nowhere on that list do you find room for thoughts about anyone else (besides your wife). Take captive every thought (2 Corinthians 10:5) and do not be a slave to your thoughts.

Safest: Avoid sexually explicit material. This might seem odd to categorize as a mental wall, but anyone who has struggled with this will tell you how haunting those mental images will be for years to come. Eliminate inappropriate movies, websites, texting, and even romantic novels that negatively impact the way we view our spouses and relationships. Real life intimacy can never measure up to the fantasy world and it places unreasonable expectations on your spouse of what intimacy should look like.

Emotional Walls

Safe: Have a go-to same-sex friend. Christian men and women benefit from same-sex friendships. A guy or gal of the same gender and spiritual beliefs as you. Someone you can talk to for advice, venting, or accountability. This friend should be able to ask you questions and get honest answers about your efforts toward fidelity.

Safer: Save the flirting for your spouse. But, I’ve just got a flirtatious personality. No. There’s a difference in being kind and being flirty. Control your body language and playful gestures so as to not communicate attraction or a desire to be attractive. Save all of that for your mate. As a matter of fact, flirt every day with your mate. It’ll remind him/her you still find them attractive.

Safest: Don’t confide in the opposite sex. Emotions are a tricky thing. Christians prefer their spouses go to their same-sex friends mentioned above when they need to share something personal. Confiding in the opposite sex opens doors to emotional bonds than should be reserved for between only you and your mate. Intimacy is more than just physical, so keep ALL types of intimacy for marriage. On that same note, respect your mate by not using phrases like “work wife” or “work husband” to refer to any special friend at work.

Physical Walls

Safe: Keep the door open. Business life involves meetings, reviews, trainings, and other one to one or face to face interactions with co-workers. When meeting one on one with someone of the opposite sex, it’s a good practice for Christians to keep the office door open. Having the door open removes the privacy of the meeting and also eliminates the opportunity for office gossip about what’s happening behind those closed doors. If you need to address something sensitive in private (perhaps you work in HR or have to reprimand an employee), bring in a third party. Ask a trusted superior to sit in on the meeting so it’s not on-on-one.

Safer: Be accountable to your spouse. Show respect to your spouse and be considerate by letting your spouse know when you’ll be home late and why. Give your spouse a heads up about strange expenses or odd charges. Share your itinerary and hotel reservation information with your spouse when you travel for work. This openness is not “reporting to your spouse” or being “watched like a hawk.” It a courtesy to your mate to include him/her in your daily life and keep communication lines wide open. Secrecy breeds fear and distrust.

Safest: Don’t ride alone with the opposite sex. Just like keeping the office door open, it’s good practice for Christians to never ride alone in the car with a single member of the opposite sex. When having to ride for a lunch meeting or appointment, ask a third person to ride along. If that’s not possible, just be honest. I have a friend who admits, “Look, it’s nothing personal and I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but I try to honor and respect my wife by not riding alone with other females. Do you mind following separately? I’d be happy to set up a taxi or uber for you.”

Technological Walls

Safe: Avoid excessive messaging. Technology is a wonderful thing, but as all other things, it can be twisted and used for evil. We now have the ability to direct message people through email, text messaging, and social media direct messaging. One of my female clients, “Jane,” had an emotional affair with a male friend that began with excessive texting. After she and her husband healed, she set up a wall with texting. She avoids texting and direct messaging men that aren’t her husband whenever possible. If she has a question for a male friend, she will copy the man’s wife on the email or message or copy her own husband. It helps hold her accountable.

Safer: Have open access to passwords. A great way to hold one another accountable is to keep a notebook of all passwords that both mates have access to. This should include all email accounts, phone key locks, social media accounts, etc. Knowing that your mate can access your accounts at any time reminds you to consider his/her feelings when communicating with the opposite sex. At home, perhaps your cell phones can charge in the same spot, so your spouse has access to your messages at all times. And vica versa. It’s not snooping or paranoia. It’s accountability. If looking through your phone or email makes your spouse more comfortable, let him/her. You have nothing to hide.

Safest: Install safety software and controls. There are a plethora of apps and safety features that can be installed on phones, televisions, and computers. One friend keeps his location app turned on on his iPhone so he’s accountable to his wife if he travels to an unusual location. Computers and televisions have controls that limit which websites and channels can be viewed or visited based on content. Some controls even report when someone attempts to view that content. Don’t think of these as parental controls. Your spouse is not your parent. Rather, think of these are protection from temptation and allowing your mate to decide these limitations with you gives your mate a sense of security and trust in you.

As in all things, there will be exceptions. Keep them to a minimum and do your best to avoid them. Be forgiving with your spouse when something unavoidable happens and be honest when one of these walls was unable to be protected. Your spouse will appreciate your forthcoming honesty. Violating one of the agreed upon walls is not cheating, but it can violate your spouse’s feelings of respect.

If you’re battling the temptation of an affair or attraction to someone who isn’t your spouse, do not dismiss it. Do not keep it secret or hidden. It will not go away on it’s own. Be honest with your spouse. Last, but certainly not least, reach out to a trained counselor who can help you work through this. Counselors can help you get to the root of the attraction and how to proceed in a healthy and marriage-honoring way.

-Joel Walton