It’s no secret we are living in a divided society. Even conversations on social media quickly turn volatile. We seem to disagree on just about everything – politics, parenting, religion, and even the color of that stinking dress a few years ago (I still don’t know if it was blue and black or white and gold).
But disagreements aren’t limited to social media and they don’t just get heated amongst political rivals. Disagreements happen frequently in our homes – in our marriages – and how we handle them plays a big role in the success of our relationships.
Agreeing vs Understanding
She did it again! You’ve been trying to stick to the budget and she overspent on Christmas gifts…again. You work hard and she just spends, spends, spends! Why does she have to buy so much? Do the kids really need that many presents?
Here he goes again! He has no idea what it takes to create a happy Christmas for the kids and everyone on the list. He won’t even help make suggestions on what to buy for his family! You stretch pennies and search sales to accommodate everyone. Why does he gripe so much when you are just trying to make everyone happy?
The example above is that of a couple who disagrees and fails to understand one another. Is it even possible to disagree with while understanding your mate? The answer is yes!
Disagreeing with someone means you have a different opinion than them. In the above example, the husband’s opinion is that less should be spent on gifts. This differs from the wife’s belief that she’s spending what she should on gifts. But, it’s not about who is right and who is wrong – that’s not helpful in a marriage. Rather, it’s about understanding.
Understanding is a sympathetic awareness of someone else’s feelings. This couple could build a deeper love and better communication by trying to understand the other’s thoughts and feelings. The husband could understand and appreciate his wife’s desire to take care of the family holiday. He could understand her feelings of wanting to create the perfect family memories. It doesn’t mean he agrees with the amount spent, but his view changes from seeing her as an overspender to a wife and mom who cares deeply. The wife could understand and appreciate her husband’s hard work. Rather than seeing him as stingy or rigid, she could see his work ethic and desire to provide for, save for, and protect his family.
Both the husband and wife want the same thing – to do what they think is beneficial for their family. They want the same goal, but disagree on how to get there. Understanding that they’re on the same team would build their bond and unite them, rather than anger them and push them apart.
8 Ways to Be More Understanding with Your Spouse
If we all agreed on everything all the time, life would be dull. It’s perfectly acceptable (and give life a little fun and flare) to disagree from time to time. What is necessary though is understanding. So, how do you bridge the gap between disagreeing and understanding? Here are a few ways to recognize and practice this important quality.
- Look for Your Spouse’s Intentions
Understanding comes when you seek to empathize with the motivation behind your mate’s words and actions. What did they really hope to accomplish? This requires believing the best about your mate and trusting that their intentions were for good – even if it unintentionally hurt you.
- Know Your Own Intentions Too
How can you understand someone else if you don’t understand yourself? How are your emotions motivating your decisions? Examine the things that make you happy, mad, hurt, etc. Knowing this about yourself will make it easier for you to communicate these things to your partner but also help you see these things in him/her too.
- Acknowledge You Are Not Always Right
I don’t care if you are the wisest, most emotionally mature person on the planet – you are NOT always right. It’s just not possible. And most of the time, trying to prove that your views and ideas are better can hurt your mate more. You won’t reach any resolution – you’ll likely just fuel an argument. Accepting that you’re sometimes wrong (whether it stings to admit that or not) allows you to put down your guard (and pride) and begin understanding someone else’s perspective.
- Find Common Ground
Being an understanding mate means focusing on finding and maintaining common ground. Though you can still disagree on a matter, there is almost always some way to meet in the middle. Your mate is not the enemy, but rather an ally – your partner in life – and you must find a way to move toward one another. It may mean bending your will, but given enough time, communication, and understanding, goes a long ways in finding common solutions you both can support.
- Give Your Mate Time To Explain Before You React
When you feel hurt or angry or in disagreement with your partner, pause. Breath, pause and give them a chance to explain. Hear out their side of the story. Don’t be quick to judge or assess the situation. Be cautious of your body language as you wait for an explanation. Besides, it’s always best to calmly respond to our mates rather than hastily react to the problems at hand. Allowing them time to explain themselves gives you a better opportunity for understanding.
- Choose Being Kind Over Angry
Anger is a natural response to something hurtful. But, it doesn’t mean it’s the best response when it come to your spouse. It’s difficult to be understanding when you’re fueling rage and anger. On the flip side, it’s easier to understand someone when you’re being gentle, compassionate, and kind. Such things allow healing and create opportunities to work together toward a common goal.
- Don’t Impose Your Own Experiences
You and your mate were raised in two different homes with two different families. You lived two different lives before you married and you still have two different minds and hearts. We cannot expect our mates to think and feel the exact same as we do. It’s unreasonable. Expecting them to have the same point of view as you, eliminates your ability to see things from their perspective and thus, eliminates any understanding. If you want to be understanding, you must recognize and embrace your mate’s differing convictions, beliefs, fears, ambitions, and feelings.
- Encourage Your Mate to Be Open
Understanding your mate will be easier when he/she feels respected and loved enough to share their ideas and feelings. This requires you to create a safe space for being honest and vulnerable. It must be free of judgment and condemnation in order to encourage this type of intimate sharing. Yes, this requires patience but that patience will lead to a better understanding.
Understanding (not necessarily agreeing with) your spouse is a crucial piece to successful communication and a happy marriage. It’s not always an easy task to. I work with couples every day to help them learn and practice healthier communication methods while working toward deeper understandings of one another. Every marriage can benefit from this. To start moving your marriage in that direction, contact me today.
-Joel D. Walton