Affairs are messy, emotionally-charged, life-shaking events. There are so many questions we ask. Why did this happen? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with him/her? Should we divorce? What do we tell the kids? Can I ever trust you again? Now what?
Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair tackles these questions and more. The book’s author, Dave Carder, takes an objective look at affairs. In a very methodical and researched approach, he classifies affairs, investigates and categorizes the messages affairs send (the why behind them), and breaks down common reactions to the revelation of an affair.
For the couples seeking to restore their marriage, Carder journeys through your anger, rebuilding trust and restructuring intimacy. There are multiple appendix items to address specific areas such as talking to your kids, materials to use in a couple’s support group, and other functional recovery resources.
When an affair threatens a marriage, clear and rational next steps are often hard to see in the blurr and red-haze of the aftermath. Carder takes an unbiased walk through the phases of affairs and the phases the non-cheating spouse journeys through while processing the affair. He offers solid timelines and tangible examples of what to expect from both mates. Sometimes knowing that our reactions are normal can bring us relief in difficult circumstances. Knowing our options empowers us to make well-thought out decisions and regain some control in a chaotic whirlwind.
Setting aside the emotional-charge of the situation (while still being sensitive to all hurting parties involved), this book includes use resources like assessments for susceptibility to an affair, ways to identify love languages, useful verbiage for communicating what it is you’re feeling, and outlined measures for how to proceed with life and how to heal. To personalize and add to your tools, the book can be read with an accompanying workbook to allow you to document and track your healing process.
I’ve recommended Torn Asunder to many clients in the wake of an affair and I’ll continue to do so. I believe it offers an honest, Christ-honoring, third-party approach to recovery and I support his biblical, research supported, hope offering approach.