Ever look back over your life and realize things didn’t turn out how you thought they would at all? That so many things have changed? That YOU have changed? Some of these changes were forced on you and some were choices you made.
When I reflect on my life, I see how much it changed after my first wife passed away. I didn’t choose that, but I did choose other changes. I chose a change in careers (which brought me to you and that’s awesome) and I chose to remarry (she’s pretty awesome too). I chose to heal and grow (another awesome change).
I’ve been working with several clients recently who are facing choices that will lead to a big life change for them. Some are considering job changes, some are considering relocation, some are considering a marriage or divorce, and some have more unique choices to make. When we’re faced with a possible change (and we all are at some point), I like to ask myself a list of questions that force me to view my choice from every angle – helping me make the best choice for the best changes.
Questions to Ask Before Making Big Choices
Obviously not all decisions are major choices and don’t need such an extensive review. Some choices have a clear right or wrong answer. Others may have two very good options and you may be fine with either route you choose. But, for those times when you’re unsure, be honest with yourself about the following questions.
Am I making this decision based on emotions?
Our emotions can powerfully drive us. Yet, they aren’t the best indicators of a wise choice. Why? Because emotions change. Emotionally charged decisions often end up to be some of our biggest regrets because our feelings (when left unchecked) can make us think and behave irrationally.
Ask yourself what decision you’d make if you weren’t in your present heart condition (whether angry or happy or infatuated or whatever other emotions you may be experiencing). Set aside feelings and focus on fact. Facts don’t ebb and flow like emotions do, so you’re more likely to make a better decision if it’s based in unbiased truth.
Have I rationally thought through the pros and cons?
Sometimes when we’re presented with an exciting opportunity, we see all of the perks. Not everything is always going to be wonderful though, so we need to be honest with ourselves about any possible negatives. Weigh the pros and cons of each option so you can make a factually based, rational decision.
Keep in mind that not all pros or cons carry equal weight. A positive in favor of one option might not be as beneficial as a positive of another choice. I’ve seen some people rank their pros and their cons with majors and minors so they can see the better option. For example, Choice A might have 4 pros of major impact while Choice B might have 7 pros of minor impact. Be careful comparing apples to oranges.
How will this affect my relationships?
Relationships are an intrical part of our lives – especially relationships with our spouses and kids. When making a big decision, we must consider how it will impact them. Yes, you may want that new promotion, but will it cause you to miss important family events? In the end, is that worth it? Or, on the contrary, would that job change free your schedule to be able to make it home for family dinners?
While we often make sacrifices for those that we love, consider the impact on your family or friends before making your decisions. Not that we must always make the popular decision, but having familial and friend support sure makes it a lot easier to cope with the outcome.
What are my motives?
Self reflection isn’t easy to do. We often like to justify our thoughts and actions. But, it’s healthy to take an introspective look at yourself and be honest with yourself about why you act the way you do, the way you think the way you do and about the desires that you have. (By the way, trained counselors are great at helping you arrive at these important answers.)
Often, analyzing our “why” reveals something deeper about us that may need some resolution or work. Do I really want the promotion because I’ll feel superior? Am I marrying just so I won’t be alone? Am I considering relocation because I’m trying to get away from something where I am now? Making choices to mask or avoid another issue will not lead to greater happiness or health – it just prolongs healing.
Does this align with my spiritual beliefs?
For persons of faith, we must make decisions that support our worldview. If not, we risk regret or guilt. Listen to your conscience (for Christians, the Holy Spirit and the Bible) and make decisions which won’t jeopardize your convictions or moral beliefs.
If you are a spiritual person and you’re unsure if your choice would violate your beliefs, ask a pastor or leader to point you toward truth.
Does this align with my long term goals?
If you’re making any major decisions, you need to consider how it plays into not just your short term goals but your long term ones. Instant gratification often leads to regret. Not that anyone knows what the future holds for sure, but it’s always a good idea to know where you’d like to end up so you can make choices that head you in that direction.
If you’re married, it’s likely you and your spouse have mutual long term goals as a couple. Always discuss major changes with your mate as these choices often impact them as well. Your mate can help you decide if your choice will hinder or help your long term goals. And honestly, sometimes life requires us to adjust our goals. Just be sure you’re again checking your motives on this.
What does my mentor think?
Consider talking your choice over with a trusted mentor. This may be someone older or wiser than you or someone who made a similar choice or change. Maybe it’s an unbiased outside party like a trained counselor.
Be careful of whom you choose to take advice from. Sometimes our friends and family are not the best options as they may have a selfish reason for pushing you toward a particular choice. Not all advice is good advice. At the end of the day, you are the one who will have to live with your decision, so be prepared to make the choice whose outcome or consequences you can live with.
Still struggling with big decisions? Perhaps you’d benefit from talking to a trained professional who can help you examine your options and encourage your confidence in the decisions that you make. Contact me and let’s help get you on the right journey.
-Joel D. Walton