When I was a kid, I had a telescope. I loved gazing through it at the night sky with all of its stars and planets. I marveled at how something so very, very far away could actually appear so close. One time (like all kids do), I turned the telescope around and looked through the opposite lens. As you can guess, I didn’t see much of anything. The moon and everything else in the sky seemed so tiny and light years (pun intended) further away.

Perhaps you’ve done the same thing with a pair of binoculars. One lens makes objects seem so close you could touch them and another end makes them seem incredibly distant. However, the night sky objects aren’t moving at all – rather my lens was changing. You see, it’s all a matter of perspective. The end of the telescope (or maybe binoculars for you) I looked through determined how far or near objects appear. My perspective changes what I see and whether I am disappointed (by the distance) or awed by the beauty (when up close)!

Keeping Perspective in Your Marriage

I’ve worked with countless couples who needed to remember how their perspective influences the way they view their marriages. It’s easy (and understandable) to feel hopeless and weary when your marriage is falling apart. Keeping a positive perspective is a challenge when you feel like giving up on yourself, on your mate, and on your marriage. But, keeping a positive perspective can also play a vital role in the health and success of a marriage.

Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “You can’t have a good day with a bad attitude and you can’t have a bad day with a good attitude.” Magnet worthy or not, there is truth in that statement. Our attitudes about our marriages can lend themselves to positive changes or to repeating the same negative and harmful behavior.

When you think about your spouse, how do you perceive him/her? Do you think about all of their annoying, frustrating shortcomings? Maybe how he never seems to help out around the house? Or how she is always nagging you about something? Or, do you think fondly of your mate? Maybe remembering the great vacation you took last year together or the way he/she is so patient and loving with the kids? This positive or negative perspective impacts the way we feel about and treat our mates and marriages.

3 Tips to Having a Positive Perspective

Keeping a positive attitude and a positive perspective of your mate and marriage is a daily choice and requires intentional action and focused thinking. Here are three ways I’ve seen couples do this successfully.

1. Accept Your Mate As Is

You cannot change your mate. Perhaps you’ve tried and soon likely realized you will come up unsuccessful. But, you can change you and the way you either accept your mate and his/her influence in the marriage or not. Accepting your mate means:

• Being interested in their opinions about issues in your marriage;
• Not trying to convince your mate to always see things your way;
• Not rejecting their opinion during disagreements and disputes;
• Believing what they say is important and has value;
• Believing that you two are equals in the relationships.

2. Thinking Fondly and Gratefully About Your Mate

Keeping a positive perspective about your mate becomes easier when you choose to acknowledge their strengths and the things they contribute toward your marriage. You can make a mental note of these things or go further and tell them one thing each day you appreciate about them. Ask yourself the following questions and share an answer with your mate:

• How does my mate better my life?
• What are my mate’s strengths?
• What do I admire about my mate?
• How does my mate show love for me, the kids, and others?
• What do I appreciate about my mate?

3. Connect with Your Mate.

This one requires your physical consciousness and intentional body language to build an emotional connection. Deep emotional connections lend themselves to deeper bonds and more positive outlooks.  We also tend to appreciate and think fondly of those we share a deeper bond with. The goal is to engage with your partner and let them know you value not only their presence but also what they have to say.

• Turn towards your mate when they speak.
• Make eye contact with them.
• Ask open ended questions for deeper conversation.
• Listen with interest to their answers.
• Smile, nod, and respond with validation.

Accepting your mate, thinking fondly of them, and building a deeper emotional connection all help transform our thinking and our perspective of our mates. With the right lens and intentionality, we can set our compass toward a happier, healthier relationship.

If you’re struggling with perspective or your marriage relationship, don’t hesitate to seek help from a trained counselor. Contact me today to start seeing your mate and your marriage through a positive perspective and attitude.

-Joel D. Walton