We’re in a weird time of year where we’re stuck between seasons. Winter temperatures want to linger while spring beckons to push new buds out of the ground. It’s almost as if the seasons are confused – at conflict with one another. But, we are certain (as we’ve seen every year) that spring and its warmth and newness will ultimately prevail.
Can you relate? Some seasons of life feel the same way. You’ve been grieving, but you want to heal. You’ve lost so much, but you know you still have much to gain. The past has hurt, but there’s still the future. It’s an odd feeling for sure.
I work with and know a lot of hurting people. Heck, I have been that hurting person before. Life’s pain from death, separation, divorce, job loss, child rebellion, aging parents, and more seem to find each and every one of us at some point. We don’t always choose life’s harshness. Just like winter, it’s something that comes around seasonally. However, we do have a choice in the way we respond to it. Do we linger in the cold or step into the newness?
Keeping Perspective in Hard Times
I think one of the greatest ways to endure hardship and find healing is to control what it is you focus on – what you occupy your thoughts with. In other words, you’ll heal in a much more healthy way when you keep the right perspective. Here are a few ways I’ve seen people change their focus and find new freedom from their hurts.
- Keep a gratitude journal. If you’re not much of a writer (I get it), this might be a little awkward so adjust it to fit you. Grab a notebook and every night jot down 5 things you’re grateful for. These don’t have to be super profound. Maybe you had a small victory in parenting that day. Maybe a neighbor stopped by to chat (a neighbor you like ha-ha). Maybe your favorite restaurant had a special on buffalo wings that night at dinner. Whatever it is, if it was a positive then jot it down.
Use sticky notes if that’s more comfortable to you. Stick them on your bathroom mirror or a wall in your office where you can remind yourself of the “wins” or treasures you noticed along your way that day. The point is to train yourself to see that there is still good in your life. It’s been proven time and time again that people who practice gratitude struggle less with anxiety and depression and they have an overall greater sense of joy, peace, and happiness in life. They have a healthier perspective on life.
- Surround yourself with the right people. Misery loves company. Don’t get me wrong, many people are justified in their misery. Again, life can be quite painful at times. But, I don’t want you to linger there. When we surround ourselves with people who feed into our negativity, pity-parties, or people-bashing, we keep our narrow and bitter perspective.
Ask friends to hold you accountable. When you start bringing up the past, give them permission to remind you that we don’t live there anymore. Since our friends and family love us, they are often hurt by the things that have hurt us. However, one of the greatest things they can do to help you heal is to let you cry and mourn when you need to and then help you get back up and move forward. Besides, keeping a sour attitude will eventually push the healthy people in your life away. So, don’t let even well-intentioned friends enable wallowing. Tell them when you need to pour it out, and then allow them to help you change the topic.
- Find a new hobby to focus on. Whether it be running, an athletic team, reading a new book series, taking cake decorating lessons, or traveling the west coast, find something you enjoy and do it! Life’s hurts often cause us to give up the things we enjoy. We find ourselves with limited energy and a lack of interest – understandably. But, finding a new hobby to focus on shifts our perspective by reminding us there is life beyond our hurt.
I really encourage a new found hobby. There’s something about learning to do something you’ve never done before that’s therapeutic. It reminds us of how we can find a new normal and a new purpose despite what our pasts have been like.
- Take a break from social media. Few (if any) portray their hardships on social media. Our feeds are full of highlight reels of the best and most brag worthy moments in people’s lives. When we’re stuck in a rut or enduring a hardship, endless reminders of what others seemingly have that we don’t have gives us a jaded perspective.
So, take a hiatus from social media for a bit. It’ll still be there when you’re well – I promise you’re not going to miss out on anything. Well, actually, you will skip a few things. You’ll skip the comparison game. You’ll skip the woe-is-me feeling. And you’ll skip the not being happy for other people just because you’re hurting right now. So, there are a few positives! Not being bombarded by everyone else’s “best of” moments will help you keep perspective as you work through your “worst of” moments.
- Remember previous victories. I know I said don’t wallow in the past, but this one is different. Remembering the way you were able to overcome past hurts will help you keep the right perspective for healing and overcoming this time too. So recount the ways you endured before. Let those memories serve as a kind of “muscle memory” to remind you that you can lift this weight and this is not your final chapter.
Keeping that gratitude journal I mentioned above can help in this. On the dark days when it’s easiest to focus on the pain and sadness, those things you wrote down in gratitude can serve to remind you that you are not alone, you are not forgotten, and there is life on the other side of this – whatever it is you’re enduring.
For those of the Christian faith, perspective is a major player in your spiritual walk. The Bible tells Christians in Romans 12 to “not conform to the patterns of the world” (i.e. anxious thoughts and negative focus) and to be “renewed by the transforming of your mind” (i.e. gratitude and thanksgiving and heavenly perspective). The Bible makes it easy by spelling out exactly what to focus on by instructing believers to keep their perspective with “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable…excellent or praiseworthy” (Philippians 4:8). It even makes the promise that if you do these things, then “the God of peace will be with you” (verse 9). And peace is something every hurting person longs for.
If you’re battling your thoughts and having a difficult time shifting perspective, it may be time to talk with a licensed and trained professional who has walked with many hurting people just like you. It’s easy to believe your hurts and struggles are unique to you, but they aren’t. Chances are, your counselor has walked the same path with someone else and can attest to victories, freedom, and mending. Ready to get started? Give me a call!
-Joel