As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I have sat across from couples struggling with what is for many, an unseen adversary in their relationships. Sometimes couples battle obstacles they don’t even know are issues. For couples where one or both of the partners has ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, there may be a special set of challenges with their own needs and ways to overcome.
The ADHD Effect by Dr. Melissa Orlov is the solution for those couples! She presents simple strategies, offered up in plain-speak, for couples who need guidance on how to navigate what is for many, treacherous terrain. Orlov provides real, workable advice here and – this is key – a hope for understanding. That’s why I appreciate this book, as it provides tools for resolving challenges and ways to support your spouse without blame.
Orlov details 12 distinct patterns of couples who deal with ADHD within their marriage and gives real-world examples and personal stories for each. You may identify with some of the stories and recognize you and your mate’s own patterns. But, Orlov doesn’t leave you there. She offers realistic tips to counter each pattern.
In her chapter entitled “Six Steps to a Better Relationship,” Orlov digs deep to reveal real hurt, real disappointment, and real crisis. She tells of non-ADHD spouses who feel their partners don’t take their diagnosis seriously and do more about it. Some feel panic – quite urgently, as they envision their marriages and lives quite literally crumbling beneath the weight of their spouses going untreated.
She continues into six of the myths about anger and zooms in on one of the most intense emotions of both the ADHD spouse and supporting spouse. She is able to acknowledge the feelings of the non-ADHD spouse and validate their experiences. At the same time, she is able to de-stigmatize the ADHD spouse’s emotions without trivializing them.
Orlov highlights the importance of treating conditions like depression, resentment, and stress. She emphasizes the importance of the ADHD spouse seeking help of some sort. But, as in any committed relationship, the spouse with the diagnosis isn’t the only one living with ADHD. The actions (or non-actions) of the ADHD spouse affect both parties, and this chapter lays out her plan for optimal treatment. The Three-Legged Stool may be one of the best examples I have seen of attainable goals, reached by utilizing a very doable approach.
The ADHD Effect offers advice that frankly, many of my non-ADHD couples might use, or any of us, really. The ‘rules” for conversation, such as not interrupting and refraining from being on the defensive remind us to be respectful and control the tone of our voices. Learning that even if we do not always get our way, we can earn marks in our relationships by validating our partners.
For those who enjoy tangible tools, there sections for worksheets and tools. Couples who buy this book will have a wealth of potentially life-changing support at their fingertips. Life with ADHD can be arduous, not just for the person who has been diagnosed, but the entire family. I know many couples will wish they’d had this book sooner.