Ancient Greek Mythology tells the story of Narcissus, an overly hubris man who refused the advances of the nymph, Echo. As a result, he fell madly in love with his own reflection in the water and wasted away staring at an image of himself – unable to ever consummate his love and affection.
It’s easy for us to slap a label on someone as narcissistic. Afterall, don’t we all know someone who spends way too much time talking about themselves, their careers, and their accomplishments? I bet someone just came to mind as you read that. Or maybe you are the one who desperately needs to be right, to be in control, or to be acknowledged and elevated at all times?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is actually only diagnosed in about 1% of the population, but we may still portray our own narcissistic qualities or love someone who does. Maintaining healthy relationships as a narcissist or with a narcissist is extremely challenging. These relationships are emotionally and psychologically draining and it’s often difficult to separate the person we love from their behavior and from the pain they inflict. We must also be careful to not enable the poor behavior of someone with NPD.
Recognizing the damaging behavior of someone with NPD can empower us to seek help for ourselves or encourage others to do so – though the grandiose self-perception of perfection and extreme defensiveness can make this difficult. Psychiatrists have identified what they call they seven deadly sins of narcissism – attributes of this disorder that cause harm to themselves and others.
The 7 Signs of Narcissism
- They are Shameless.
Narcissists are quite proud and openly shameless – considering shame to be something toxic. Afterall, shame would imply they aren’t perfect and a narcissist cannot process such feelings in a healthy manner. They actually prefer guilt to shame since guilt allows them to separate their actions from themselves. If the action caused harm, but their intention was good, then the narcissist is not at fault and can more easily cope.
This shamelessness makes confronting someone with NPD about a hurt they’ve caused extremely difficult. They may justify their actions or turn the tables to place blame on the one confronting them. Be prepared for extreme defensiveness and a lack of remorse.
- They Think They are Above Reproach.
The psychological world calls this magical thinking. Since narcissists view themselves as perfect, they employ a distorted and illusional way of thinking where they cannot even process their own shortcomings, weaknesses, or faults. To cope, they project these shortcomings onto other people and pass the shame or “lack” onto others.
This makes reasoning with a narcissist difficult. While you may be trying to have a rational conversation with logic and evidence, the mindset and magical thinking of someone with NPD cannot allow for reason. Their thinking is warped and your efforts at rationality are often futile.
- They Take Arrogance to a New Level.
The narcissist doesn’t take well to being deflated. They must remain up on their high horse or they feel a great uneasiness. They must maintain their sense of self-importance, so they react by degrading and debasing others. This allows them to re-inflate themselves and feel better about who they are. In their minds, it places a separation between their own significance and those who are lesser or beneath them.
Those who love someone with NPD are familiar with this type of attack. They’ve been subject to the vindictive outbursts or cutthroat jabs from narcissism.
- They are Madly Jealous.
Despite their pride and sense of self-importance, the narcissist is often deeply insecure. Those closest to someone with NPD likely sees their insecurity – whether the narcissist admits to having them or not.
In an effort to prove they are better than others, narcissists try to minimize others’ achievements, strengths, or accomplishments. They often have contempt for others who are successful as they view it as a threat to their own level of importance. Narcissists may attempt to make others envious of them so as to quiet the feelings of insecurity – proving to themselves and others that they are better.
- They Feel Entitled.
Because narcissists have delusional thinking about their superiority above everyone else, they expect the world to treat them with such favor. When others are ready and waiting at their beck and call, the narcissist is pleased. When someone fails to comply, that person is often considered to be difficult or unreasonable by the narcissist. Those who threaten their bubble of illusion may be subject to narcissistic rage – a rather unpleasant and cutthroat experience.
While being on the receiving end of one of these fits of rage can be extremely destructive, you are not required to avoid such instances by falsely inflating the narcissist or by enabling them. While I would never encourage a purposeful provoking of a narcissist, you are not required to be at their beck and call.
- They Will Exploit Others.
Narcissists are interested in how others can best serve them. Because they hold themselves in such high regard, they expect others to do the same. Failure to do so means you are not useful to them and such people are quickly dismissed by someone with NPD.
This is one of the things that makes loving a narcissist so difficult. To them, your worth is solely based on how useful you are to them – not in who you are. Those with NPD have little to no care for your feelings, interests, or mental peace. Those who love someone with NPD wonder if they were ever truly loved to begin with.
- They Don’t Respect Boundaries.
Narcissists don’t recognize or respect boundaries because they feel they have free rein to other people and their lives. Since those with NPD feel that others exist only to meet their needs, they may view your boundaries as opposition and regard you as useless when you don’t supply what they want.
Stay true to your boundaries and guardrails. The narcissist will try to tear these down and violate them, but it’s understandable and healthy to protect yourself.
Living with NPD is difficult and confusing, as is loving someone who struggles with it. There IS hope for both, but it requires help from a trained professional. That’s where I come in. If you’re ready to find healing – either as the narcissist or as the one who has been hurt by one – there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you’re willing to do the work and take the right steps. Let’s get moving toward that today.
Joel D. Walton
Here a great video that explains the difference between NPD vs. BPD