What an important opportunity we have when we have children to raise. God has entrusted us with precious lives that we hold in our hands.
No matter what our background, income, religion, or country, we all want to do the best for our kids and make sure we give them what they need to navigate their lives and get their desired results. Here are 7 principles I’ve found that helped me tremendously in raising our own kids.
- Choices
It is important to give our kids choices. Of course, give age-appropriate choices, and not too many.
Start at an early age with simple choices and build the complexity over time. Start with some either-or choices and then build into more complex choices as the kids get older.
For example, these are great for younger kids: Do you want to wear or carry your shoes? Do you want to put your artwork on the fridge or on the wall? This Father’s Day card or that one?
Tweens are good at choosing chores and schoolwork options. Would you rather set the table or clear the table? Load or unload the dishwasher? Which homework assignment would you rather tackle first?
For a teenager with a habit of being late, you can still offer choices. Would you rather get home by curfew or lose privileges for 2 weeks? This kind of choice lets the teenager weigh up consequences mentally before acting, which is a great skill to have. By learning to make choices, your child has a much better chance of becoming a leader, being happy, and/or being a good citizen.
Sometimes, letting kids make choices may mean that they wear mismatched shoes or go out in the rain without a jacket. Pick your battles. Our youngest went through a phase where he wanted to wear only shorts, even in the rain. Years later, he’s very healthy and set to graduate college.
Help kids develop decision-making skills by giving them choices, and start this process as young as you can. It will help them develop confidence in making future decisions.
- Clarity
Be clear on choices and consequences for your children, and why you are offering certain choices. This requires forethought.
Before giving children choices and/or consequences, think about what you’re trying to accomplish and the best way to get the desired results.
Saying that you want a chore done by the time you get home is not clear and doesn’t spell out the consequences. It would be better to say that you expect the chores to be done by 5 pm on weekdays, or electronics privileges are suspended for the night. Expect children to be ready for a family outing? Give them a time and what they’re expected to pack or include. For example, tell them to “Be ready with your shoes, jacket, and beach towel by 2.”
Does your child need improvement in some area? Get clear on your expectations before offering choices. Are they reasonable? Then, give clear choices and expectations to your kids. In some cases, like academics, you may need to be flexible as you get more detailed information and experience.
- Consequences
As adults, we know that choices have consequences. If you repeatedly show up to work late, you may lose your job.
If you drive drunk and get caught, there are costly, sometimes life-changing, consequences.
There is a cause and effect to everything, sometimes big and sometimes small. It is the job of parents and the adults in children’s lives to help kids anticipate and experience the consequences.
Effective consequences are built on understanding your children’s currency. Some children need a loss of privilege or restriction, while others respond to being spoken to firmly. Some need utter clarity to help avoid negative consequences, and some are very sensitive and only need gentle guidance or they’ll shut down.
- Consistency
Quite possibly, the most difficult part of parenting is consistency.
We get busy, frustrated, and caught off guard sometimes, and we don’t want our children to be upset, hurt, or disappointed as a result.
Don’t promise consequences if you won’t follow through. What message are you sending if you don’t keep your word? Having inconsistent or shifting boundaries creates confusion and can result in having children push the boundaries and limits as they’re looking for certainty.
Consistency also means that other adults in the kids’ lives need to understand the parents’ rules so that expectations are clear and followed.
- Calm and Collected
Children listen and understand better when we grownups are calm. And, kids know that they’ve “won” if they get you emotionally off center. But winning too much can make a child insecure over time, as every child knows that the adult has to be secure, able to provide for the family, and able to set limits and boundaries to keep the family intact.
If a child’s action requires a consequence, be calm and collected. Don’t give a consequence when you’re emotional.
Instead, try this: “You know that your choice has consequences. I’m going to take an hour to think about the best way to handle this. At ___ o’clock, I’ll let you know what privilege(s) you have lost. In the meantime, you are grounded from all electronics and have to stay in the house.”
If children fuss and demand a decision right away, let them know that it will take you longer to make a decision.
- Concise
When communicating, remember to be concise and age-appropriate. Having a 10-minute “talk” with a two-year-old is ineffective. A 10-minute talk with a teen, however, is appropriate. Our kids tune us out if we take an approach that is too long. Going on and on and repeating yourself reduces your effectiveness.
Remember that being clear (see #2) and being concise go together. When we’re not concise, it’s often because we, ourselves, are not clear; or, we’re letting emotion get the best of us. Rehearsing your talk or behavior before you interact with your child may help. (It may feel silly at first, but it can help.)
- Connected
Today, it is more important than ever to get and stay connected to our kids. There are many temptations, distractions, and misinformation in the world.
Being connected to our children requires time and effort. We have to be good listeners and pay attention to what is unique about each child. Any parent who has more than one child will tell you that it’s amazing how different two children can be despite coming from the same genetic coding.
Having a strong family bond helps kids resist temptation. Learning your kids’ currency, restricting electronics at the dinner table, attending your kids’ sporting events or other activities, having kids do chores (including helping with meals), and getting to know your kids’ friends are great places to start.
It’s not too complicated to adhere to the 7 C’s of Parenting, but from time to time, it can be trying. Keeping these principles in mind can keep you from stressing too much, but if you do find that juggling the constant demands of parenting becomes too much, don’t be shy about reaching out for help.
While it might feel overwhelming at times, remember that you’re not the first parent in the world, and everyone’s made some mistakes. Overall, if your kids know you love them, the family will weather the storms that blow in and out of your lives. When you follow the 7 C’s, they’ll know how to make decisions, too.
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What are your favorite tips for successful parenting? What additional ideas are you going to take from this article, and what would you like to see added?
-Joel & Kimberly Walton
Kimberly Walton is a marriage mentor, speaker, writer and retreat leader that works with Christian women to help them THIRVE in love and marriage. You can find her blog or more at www.CherishedWives.com
OMG! Concise is my downfall. I know it. I talk too much when we have to talk to the kids. I don’t know why and I even repeat myself. The kids gloss over and tune me out. I have been really trying to work on this. I am wondering if I make notes and practice what I want to say if that would help. But then I am afraid that it is going to sound scripted and rehearsed. I really want to be a good mom, but parenting is so much harder than I though it would be.
Yes, parenting is hard and we don’t always have to have the answer. We make mistakes and we don’t always get it right. Have a plan but keep it flexible so you can adjust if needed. Write notes, practice in front of a camera – most cell phones have them, and you can play it back, and delete it afterwards. It’s kind of a way you can role play to get your thoughts and talking points down.
This is great information. I am really good at calm and also pretty good at connected. But my husband and I have had time being consistent. Sometimes he undermines me. I say no and he says yes. So the kids will do things to pit us against each other. Then it affects us.
Oh yes, I think kids have that technique encoded at berth. This is why waiting to respond can be is important – it helps your children to delay gratitude and tolerate some emotional discomfort. A skill we all need to learn.