Oxygen cannot be seen or smelt; yet, it’s vital to life. I happen to know this first hand from my days serving aboard a nuclear submarine. During that time, one of my jobs was to generate oxygen for the crew in order to keep them all alive. It was a rather complex process known as electrolysis, which took sea water and converted it to life sustaining oxygen. This allowed us to operate for months underwater in a sealed environment.
Somewhere back in school during a science class, we all learned that life could not exist without oxygen. However, we may need a reminder of oxygen’s actual purpose regardless if you’re on land or in a submarine. In a nutshell, oxygen is carried throughout the body by our blood, where it helps turn nutrients into energy. Literally speaking, oxygen is the breath of life we all must have.
On a similar note, what better way to re-energize a marriage than to breath life back into it? Now, I don’t mean CPR or mouth to mouth (but hey, that kind of affection can help too). I mean taking an intentional approach to reviving the love light between you and your mate. Putting more oomph into our relationships. Deciding you want more than a roommate.
If you’ve hit a slump or a valley in your relationship (they all do at some time), here are ten examples of practical ways to breath some life back into it.
10 Ways to Re-energize Your Marriage
#1. Know your spouse’s love language.
Are you familiar with The Five Love Languages? The idea is we all show and feel love in different ways: physical touch, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation. Perhaps you and your mate are speaking different languages and therefore not understanding the message being sent. If your mate’s love language is quality time and you are showing love through physical touch, the message may not be getting delivered – leaving your mate’s love tank on low.
Learn your spouse’s love language and your own. It’ll be much easier for you and your mate to communicate love to one another.
#2. Invest time.
Anyone with an IRA or other savings account knows that little investments made regularly over time, grow exponentially. Invest time into your marriage. You didn’t earn one another’s affections by ignoring one another; rather, you spent time together. Make a habit of allotting 15-20 minutes a day for one on one time. This might be over coffee in the morning or late at night when the kids are in bed and distractions have ceased.
Likewise, attempt a date night each week or at least bi-weekly. This doesn’t have to be an expensive date, but go do something fun together. Go play putt-putt or enjoy a picnic in the park. Something you both would enjoy. And while on your date, stay away from the “business” talk. Of course you have regular business to attend to like discussing the kids or bills, but save date night conversation for sharing your goals, discussing your likes/dislikes, and trying to learn something new about one another (even if you’ve been together for decades).
#3. Take the 30 day appreciation challenge.
I have a friend that recently took his wife on a marriage retreat she’d been wanting to go on. For the month leading up to the retreat, spouses were instructed to leave one sticky note a day for the other mate with a written message of something they appreciated about the other. They wrote things as simple as I appreciate you taking out the trash every week or more meaningful things like I admire your work ethic and the way you don’t stop until the job is finished. By the time they headed on the retreat, both mates had received 30 notes of appreciation and admitted to being much more willing to address problems after having been so encouraged.
#4. Reignite the chemistry.
I won’t offer details here. The intimacy shared between you and your spouse is personal and private to you. What I will say is to keep it active. Life is busy. I get it. Work, kids, hobbies, volunteer commitments, etc all demand your time. But sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife connects them more than just physically, so as you seek to better bond with your spouse, remember the bedroom (or wherever else in the house you want to).
#5. Share a vision.
Cement and reaffirm your future together by sharing your hopes, dreams, and goals as a couple. You likely both have career or personal goals, but how do these overlap with your mate’s? What does your future TOGETHER look like? Will you retire together and travel the world? Or will you open a business together and pass it down to your kids? Do you want to sell your home and move out to the woods and rock on the porch together? Whatever you envision for the future, couples should align their goals in a complementary fashion to include one another.
#6. Remember love is not a feeling.
I could write a lot more (and might one day) about this one. In case no one has told you lately, love is not a feeling. It’s an action. For Christians, the Bible often uses the word agape for love which refers to an action. Maybe you’ve heard love is a verb, not a noun. Love is something you DO, not some emotional reaction. How does knowing this help re-ignite a dwindling flame? Because it reminds us to get up every day and choose to love our spouse…even when we don’t feel like it. A common complaint I hear from clients is, “I’m just not in love anymore.” Love is not something you’re in. It’s something you do.
Rather than seeking some emotional high brought on by what your mate may or may not be doing, seek to show your mate unconditional love. Ironically, as you serve and love your mate, I bet those warm emotions return!
#7. Ask…and then listen.
Sometimes one of the greatest ways to feel loved and respected is to be heard. Same goes for your mate. Take the time to ask your spouse what you can do to better your relationship and to help them feel loved. And then…be quiet. Seriously, be quiet and just listen. Without being defensive and without interrupting. Don’t just hear the words being spoken…really listen. Side note: I’ve always enjoyed how you can rearrange the letters in ‘listen’ to instead spell ‘silent.’
#8. Forget the crystal ball.
Your spouse is not psychic. You are going to have to communicate your needs to your spouse. Otherwise, don’t expect them to be met. I can’t tell you the number of frustrations that could be avoided if spouses would simply communicate what they need from one another. And ladies, please don’t say, “he should already know.” He doesn’t. Please make his (and your) life easier and spell it out for him. The crystal ball doesn’t work.
#9. Non-intimate touching.
When your marriage has been strained, distant, or in a lull, small gestures can have big effects. We already talked about the importance of intimacy in number four, but I want to include other types of physical touch. Reach out and hold your mate’s hand. Take the time each day for a hug and kiss. A back rub or foot massage without the expectation of it going further. These moments of affection can reignite a dim light.
#10. Try the F word.
Get your mind out of the gutter…I mean flirt! Let your mate know you still find them attractive by being playful and flirty. The goal is to help your mate feel like the most important person to you. Compliment your wife in public. Give your husband a playful look and smile across the room. Send a random flirty text message. Opt for the nice outfit. Wink at him. Kiss her at the next stoplight. Whatever you do, be genuine.
Whatever you choose to do, do something. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and it’s going to be work for the entirety. Don’t wait for your mate to initiate the effort when you can get started today.
Far too many couples wait far too long to seek outside help. If you were having difficult getting necessary oxygen, you’d see a doctor. Likewise, if your marriage has been dragging for a while, you and your mate may benefit from a trained counselor.
-Joel Walton