This is a topic I rarely cover in my blogs, but yet it’s often covered with when working with many couples. Physical intimacy is an active part of a healthy relationship, but sadly for many sexuality is treated as the third rail when it comes to being able to talk about it.
Our present day culture is inundated with sex – From magazines and movies, to the social network sites, and television shows. You don’t have to look far to see sexual innuendos, sexual advances, and sexual scenes. Afterall, marketers and media producers know that sex sells.
While sex may be a prominent theme in today’s culture, it’s not much of a headliner for most couples, especially if there’s any significant conflict active in their relationship. I’ve worked with countless couples, most of who struggle to discuss their sex lives with one another. How sad, that in this most intimate of relationships, many couples find themselves unwilling or able to even broach the topic.
Why is sex so tough to talk About?
- We were raised seeing sex as either dirty or something we shouldn’t talk about.
Many people are raised being taught that sex is a bad and dirty topic. Being shamed for their thoughts or natural desires, sexuality became something secret or something to suppress. For the Christian, we are taught all about how we should refrain from sexual activity until we are married. Yet, most sermons skip the messages about how to conduct ourselves once sex is permitted. No wonder people won’t even talk to their pastors about their sexual problems, they don’t want to be judged. What results is a couple too embarrassed or uncomfortable to discuss sex with anyone.
We’re not told about how sex is a gift to enjoy (within the right confines). We’re told the “do nots” but no one shared with us the “do’s.” Do enjoy sex in your marriage. Do explore your sexuality with your spouse. Do share your desires, pleasures, and fantasies with one another. After all, your mate is the only one who can fulfill those – and vica versa.
Sex is not inherently sinful. Yes, it leaves us vulnerable (more of that below), and that is why God placed protective constraints around it. He wanted us to freely enjoy it within the safety net of our marriage relationships. Enjoy the gift. Take it out of the box. Share it together.
- Sex requires vulnerability.
Being vulnerable, open, and transparent is difficult in any aspect, but our spouses should be the one and only person in our lives that we relate to with full vulnerability and intimacy. Think of intimacy as “In-To-Me-See.” Even the act of sexual intercourse requires intimacy as we shed not only our clothes but our apprehensions, fears, and walls. Intercourse is the physical reality of what should be going on emotionally between two people. It’s one person entering into another – the most intimate act designed by God and given to husband and wife.
But discussing this intimate act is intimidating. Will he be mad if I bring up premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?Will she be disgusted with me if I ask to play out that fantasy? A marriage relationship should be so safe, so trustworthy, and so honest that we can discuss even the rawest of concerns or desires. Of course, there are considerate and loving ways to approach sexual conversations so your mate doesn’t feel attacked.
Set aside a mutually agreed upon time to be vulnerable and honest. Pray with one another to begin the discussion. This will soften pride and settle fears. Hold hands and make eye contact as you discuss your concerns, desires, and needs. Encourage your mate to do the same by listening to what they also have to share. And if it somehow becomes a fight? Well, treat it like you do other fights – by working through it and finding a solution.
- The Bible doesn’t say much about it.
The Bible tells us a lot about money, wisdom, work, and more, but not as much about sex. We are told to avoid sexual immorality and impurity (1 Corinthians 6:18-19), but there aren’t many explicit instructions for marital sex. We DO know from Song of Solomon that sex can be pleasurable and should be enjoyed by both husband and wife. We also DO know from Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 that we are not to withhold sex from our mates except for a short time for the purposes of prayer.
Beyond that, we don’t have much to go on. God didn’t want us to try and incorporate it into any ritual religious act or turn it into some robotic obligation. He didn’t limit it to only reproductive purposes. I think the answers to your questions about marital sex have to do with faith. Based on your faith and what you’ve studied in the Bible (and not what you’ve been mistaught), ask yourself what you believe about marital sex? What is permissible?
Romans 14:22 says; “So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves.” Though marital sex isn’t heavily discussed in scripture, it CAN and SHOULD be discussed by you and your mate. God left a great deal of interpretation about your sex life up to you and your mate. What do the two of you believe? What are you each comfortable with? And how does that play out in your sex life?
Talking about what you actually believe about sex is a great place to start a conversation on this delicate topic with your mate. Communication can begin to grow from there. I also recommend Dr. Kevin Leman’s “Sheet Music” to get the conversation rolling.
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Though these reasons help us to understand why we struggle to discuss sex with our mates, we cannot stop there. Sex is an important part of healthy marriages. Therefore, communication and conversations about sex are crucial to a happy and healthy relationship.
For this reason, I highly encourage you to seek resolution in couples’ counseling. An unbiased, well-trained third party can help you navigate this very delicate topic and help the two of you move toward a more fulfilling and safe marital bed.
-Joel D. Walton