Any parent can tell you that parenting is far from easy. You second guess yourself in so many ways and have a whole slew of constant concerns in regard to your kids. If you’re divorced (whether recently or for a while), you know that parenting while divorced comes with an all new set of concerns.
As a divorced parent, it’s natural to wonder if your divorce could negatively impact your child. I think every parent’s goal is to provide their child with a healthy and happy upbringing, so divorced parents commonly share fears of how the kids are impacted. It’s important to note how research shows that it’s not necessarily the divorce which most impacts the child, but it’s actually how you and your ex parent through it that can help the child adjust well.
In working with many divorced parents, I’ve compiled a list of the common fears and concerns they have shared with me. My hope is not only to show you that you’re not alone in your feelings and worries, but also to give you guidance on addressing those concerns and conquering those fears.
Concerns with your ex
Given the fact that the two of you divorced, it’s fair to say you’ve had your share of conflict. Co-parenting is far from easy and many parents find their negative feelings from the marriage and divorce continue to present themselves as they attempt to parent. These are some of the common concerns I hear in regards to your ex.
I feel like I’m competing with my ex-mate.
You have no reason to be in competition – even when it feels like you are. Let your ex be who they are and you be who you are. Know your strengths and what you’ve always brought to the table and continue being that person. Out of guilt, some parents feel they have to buy their kids’ love or overload them with new and exciting toys, tech, and treats.
Do you know what your kids need most right now? They need a safe, constant, and steady parent. They need to know that not everything and everyone is changing. They need reliability. So, be that. Yes, splurge from time to time if you want to. But, if your ex has a brand new gadget every time he/she gets the kids, they’re conditioning your children to expect that from them. Your ex is creating a mess for himself/herself. Know that your kid isn’t going to remember all the “stuff.” Instead, they’ll remember how they could cry with you, talk with you, and how you created a safe space in their life.
My ex parents our kids differently than I do.
Your ex is different from you and chances are, you had to work hard to be on the same page about parenting when you were married. You both probably compromised and blended your styles together. Now that you’re divorced, you’re likely reverting to your own preferences – and so is your ex.
As in all things, it’s important to remember that your way isn’t the only way and it’s not always the “right” or “wrong” way. While it’s much easier to co-parent when you agree on parenting styles, it’s also unlikely that you do agree. Kids learn to adjust to the rules at mom’s house and the rules at dad’s house. It’s similar to the way your children adapt to school policies and practices while there but know that other places like home or grandma’s allow different behaviors or have varying expectations.
When your children come back to you from your ex, consider taking the first few minutes to remind them which home they’re in and help them shift to the different set of expectations. You may even ask them to tell you what the rules are in your home. “Okay, we’re at mommy’s (or daddy’s) house now. How do we speak to one another here? How do we help each other in this house? When is bedtime while you’re here?” A few moments to refocus at the beginning of your custody rotation can do wonders to help kids and their behavior with you.
I worry my ex’s new significant other will replace me.
This is not a pleasant feeling. Watching your former spouse marry someone new is painful enough (even if you are the one who wanted the divorce), but watching your child grow close to the new spouse can be scary and painful too. Even if the new mate is a wonderful person, mommy wants to be the only mommy and daddy wants to know he is the only daddy.
It’s necessary to remember that the step mom or step dad is not the enemy. This person has stepped into a parenting role with your child and needs your support in order to help your child adjust well. If your child can sense dislike and disdain for the step parent, they may mimic those feelings in an effort to support or protect the biological parent. This is sure to create tension and concerns with the step parent and the bio parent married to them. No matter how you feel about your ex or their new mate, you still want a safe and happy home for your child there and need to do what you can to help support that.
Remind your children that you are still their mom or dad and that they only get one person by that title. However, tell them you’re grateful that they have extra adults in their lives to help them grow and learn. Giving your child permission to “like” the step parent may actually relieve a lot of pressure, weight, and unnecessary guilt for your child.
Concerns with family
Divorces change family dynamics – in your home and with extended family. Learning a new normal and being intentional about maintaining important relationships can help your kids adjust. Here are two common concerns I hear from parents in regards to their new family dynamics.
I’m worried my side of the family will take a backseat.
Divorces don’t just impact parents and kids. The ripple effect impacts extended family and friends too. Just as custody agreements have cut back on the number of days you have your kids, it also limits the number of days grandparents, aunts, and uncles can see them too. Rotating holidays may mean that Christmas morning at Grandma’s house doesn’t happen anymore or annually as it did before.
To keep your family regularly involved, you’ll have to plan and schedule time with them. One of my clients shared that his ex moved in with her mother and now the children are with the ex mother in law as often as they are with the mother. While the kids enjoy grandparent time, it’s changed the influence and dynamic of the grandparent/grandchild relationship on his ex’s side and has left his own mother feeling left out (since she sees them significantly less than the grandparent with whom the kids live part time). To keep his mother involved as the other grandma, he schedules brunch for his mother and his children every other Sunday.
Try your best to keep the family (and extended family) holiday traditions as best you can, but ask your family to show some flexibility and grace as you and your kids move through these family changes.
I’m having to play dual roles.
When you go from two parents in one home to one parent in each of two homes, roles change. Dads who have never combed a little girl’s hair are suddenly having to learn to braid their daughter’s hair or buy tampons. Moms are mowing the lawn and teaching sons to shave. It’s inevitable that you’ll have to learn to answer questions and play roles you’ve never played before. Preconceived mother/father gender roles may not look the same anymore and you’ll have to give yourself grace as you learn new things.
However, you do not have to do it all. If you’re co-parenting, try to incorporate the other parent in their familiar role with the kids as much as possible. Meaning, if you would’ve encouraged mom to talk with the daughter about personal hygiene when you were married, continue to do so. If you would’ve had dad attend the father/son social at school, encourage dad to go. It’s not that you are incapable, but rather you’re encouraging the bond between your child and your ex to continue to grow and strengthen.
If you need the help and influence of the opposite gender for your child and the other biological parent is not involved or not cooperating, enlist the help of aunts, uncles, or trusted family friends. One of my clients admits she knew nothing about buying a jockstrap for her son for football practice and her ex husband was out of the picture. So, she called her brother to take her son shopping for this masculine item. The son wasn’t embarrassed by his mother taking him to shop for this and the uncle got some quality time and deepened his relationship with his nephew.
Concerns with the kids
As a parent, you’re always concerned about your child and how your actions will affect them. When you’re divorced, it’s easy to feel guilty about a number of things when it comes to your kids. Here are some of the recurring ones I hear.
My time with my kids is so divided and I feel guilty.
Parents who are used to being with their kids every day often have a hard time adjusting to split or joint custody arrangements. Stay at home parents who are suddenly forced back into full time jobs have to learn to balance careers and kids all over again.
Take control of your calendar. Mark the days you have custody of your kids and try to plan obligations on the days in which you don’t have them. This will free more of your time for your kids and you won’t feel as torn and divided.
When commitments and plans have to happen (and sometimes you really do just need a break), this is a great time to help nurture the relationship of the kids with their extended family. Involve the kids in camp or extra curricular program where they can gain a sense of accomplishment while you take care of the things you need to take care of.
And if your recreational weekend away happens to fall when you have custody, ask the co-parent if they’d be willing to switch weekends. Worst case scenario, give yourself permission to take your trip. Your kids will benefit from a relaxed and rejuvenated parent.
I’m not sure if my child’s behavior is developmental or situational.
Could be one or the other or both. Find a trained child counselor who your child can talk to. Divorces are painful and confusing for them too. Yes, your child could be acting out or processing their grief. Ask a counselor to give you tips, tools, and resources to help monitor your child and help them process what they’re going through in a healthy manner.
Give an extra dose of patience and grace, but do not excuse all poor behavior because you feel guilty. Kids are kids and will test limits to see what they can get away with. They need you to keep them safe and maintain structure as they age. Again, a child counselor can advise on what is developmentally appropriate and normal and what needs to be addressed.
I’m afraid of how the kids will react when I date again.
This can be a sensitive and confusing topic for kids and parents. Your child has likely only seen you romantically involved with their other biological parent. It is important for their emotional and mental health that you take your time before jumping back into a new relationship – especially in front of them.
Kids can feel conflicts in loyalty when moms and dads introduce new romantic interests. It’s understandable and natural. You’ll want to talk with your kids before you introduce them to someone new and let them air and vent their feelings and concerns. Assure them that no one will replace their mother or father. When it’s appropriate, let them see the joy your new significant other brings you, and your children may be relieved to see you happy again.
Divorce is confusing and difficult. If you’re struggling with your parental role or decisions since your separation or divorce, you may benefit from working with a professional. As a trained counselor, I come alongside you and help you find your confidence in your new parenting situation. Call me today to get started.
– Joel