Recently, many families celebrated high school graduations and are preparing to send their graduate off to college, into the military, or out into the workforce. (If this will leave you as an empty-nester, check out this article “How to deal with an empty Nest” for tips on coping.) When the time comes for our kids’ take-off, what do we hope to have instilled in them? What tools do we hope to have prepared them with and equipped them with?  

I’ve heard a lot of answers to those questions over the years, but the answers typically come back to the same overlying themes. Most parents hope to have raised young adults who have quality character and who can be productive citizens in society, and who can lead independent adult lives. These are lofty, yet incredibly important goals, so I’d like to take a closer look at the last one: independence.

10 Tips For Raising Independent Children

Independence is something our children crave and fight for from toddlerhood up through teenage years. But, healthy and successful independence is not something that necessarily comes naturally. As parents, we teach our children to be independent and create opportunities for these lessons throughout their childhood. Here are several ways parents have had success in this process.

1. Love and respect your child. 

Love should be the evident in all we do with our kids – it’s one of their primary needs. Nothing we teach them will impact them quite as much as our unconditional love. Children who are confident of their parents’ love for them are more well-adjusted and are more willing to take chances, fail, try again, and ultimately, achieve their goals – all of which help in leading independent lives. Children who feel respected are better able to make decisions and accept consequences. So as you continue through the rest of these tips, keep love and respect at the forefront of each.

2. Let your child formulate their own feelings. 

I saw a child stumble and fall the other day, but I also noticed he didn’t cry until his mother ran to him in a panic, swooping him up in her arms and asking him if he was okay. As a parent, this is our natural and understandable reaction. We physiologically and emotionally respond to our children’s needs. But our children learn to emotionally react based on our emotional reaction. It’s as if we decide how to respond for them. Of course, it is important to model appropriate and healthy emotional behavior, but it’s also important to hand the reins of your child’s emotions over to them as they age. Grant them emotional independence. Ask your child how they feel and allow them to explore those feelings. Are they mad, sad, happy, scared? Ask them why they feel this way. Assure them it’s okay to feel what they feel, and help them channel those emotions into appropriate behavior. Remind them that they cannot control how others react, but they can control how they choose to react themselves. 

3. Show confidence in your child. 

Let your child know you believe in and trust them. If you set high expectations and communicate your confidence in them, they will rise to the occasion. Speak uplifting, life-giving words to your child and remind them they have a safe place with you. Be cautious not to impose your own fears or reservations on your child. Independent adults grow from children who take chances without being afraid to disappoint their parents. 

4. Let them make their own friends.

As children age, their friendships change. When they’re little, they likely spend time with the friends you choose for them. They’re surrounded by the people you put them in daycare with, or kids from Sunday School, or the children of your own friends. But as they grow, parents who release this control to their children help create independence. Of course, we want to teach our children how to choose the right friends and what qualities to look for and qualities to portray as a friend. But, children become more independent when they choose for themselves who they want to share a friendship with. It’s both exciting and rewarding to hear your child talk about the new friend he/she made on their own at school. Disclaimer: it may be helpful to you both to communicate the expectation that dangerous or unhealthy friendships will result in parent intervention. 

5. Promote problem-solving. 

This is something that can begin in early childhood. When your child runs into a problem, refrain from running to the rescue each time. Allow your child time to explore the problem and possible solutions. Ask guiding and thought-stirring questions like, “How can this be fixed?” Or, “What options do you have now?” Or, “Who can you team with to find a solution to this issue?” Begin your children early in problem-solving skills. Teach them to weigh the pros and cons of various scenarios and to use prior experiences to predict future outcomes (rather than simply relying on emotions like fear or worry). Giving your children opportunities to solve problems while they are young and in the safety net of your home will help them grow into independent, well-functioning adults. Look at it as practice runs at problem solving, so they’re ready to step up to the plate when they’re on their own.

6. Teach them to be responsible.

How do you teach a child to be responsible? Give them responsibilities! Designate age-appropriate chores for your child to complete by a deadline. Make these chores part of their routine, so they know what they need to do and by when. If you can afford to, provide options above and beyond their regular chores for earning money. Then teach them how to save, give, and budget their money. Allow older kids to sit in on family budget meetings, so they can learn about paying bills and saving for the future.

7. Encourage them to use their imagination.

Young children love to play make believe and teens can’t help but dream about the future. Encouraging our children’s imaginations plays a role in helping them problem-solve and thus, grow into independent adults. One of the issues we are facing today is that kids don’t tolerate discomfort well, and they often lack the ability to use their imaginations to soothe themselves. Too often we give them electronics or have them watch a video for entertainment and stimulation. Rather, they would benefit more from our teaching them to use their own minds to imagine and participate in internal play as a vehicle to manage their own emotional discomfort. Imaginative children grow into independent, problem-solving adults who also thrive in empathy and creativity – both of which are major skills needed to relate to and get along with others later in their life.

8. Provide guidance, but allow them the freedom to make their own choice.

Your advice and counsel is backed with experience. Your child has not gained that experience – and thus, wisdom – yet. You and your child make dozens of decisions each day. When they are young, it’s decisions about what to eat for lunch or what to wear to school. As they age those decisions may be more important like where to get a part-time job or where to apply to colleges. When there are decisions to make, help lay out the options for your child (or better yet, ask them to outline options). Then offer your experience-based advice, but let your child know that the decision (and subsequent consequences) are there’s to make. This helps build confidence and lets them know you trust them, as well as, gives them practice for bigger life decisions. 

9. Expose them to accountability and consequences.

Don’t shield your child from consequences – as much as you may want to. Enforce consequences appropriately for decisions they made. Set expectations for those consequences beforehand so no one is surprised when they come. This will help you to not emotionally overreact in the heat of the moment. When your child is held accountable at school or on the ball team, don’t try to get them out of it by confronting the teacher or coach. Teach them to own up to their mistakes and to accept those consequences respectfully and with integrity. Everyone makes mistakes, but well-rounded, independent adults avoid the blame game and own up to those mistakes. 

10. Let them fail.

Failure is something I am passionate about. That might sound a little odd at first, but that’s because I understand failure isn’t necessarily a bad thing (https://www.mendedlife.com/a-christian-view-on-failure/).  Failure is the yeast that makes the learning bread rise. Your child learns independence by first failing and then getting back up again. And while we may want to protect our children from failure, we cannot send frail, little teacups out into the world. Let them chip, crack, and maybe even break. Then show them how to pick up the pieces and try again.

It truly does take a village to raise a child, and we do often need guidance on how to in turn guide our children. A trained counselor can help you filter through the endless parenting approaches and find what works best for you and your children. Contact me today for more on raising your kids the way you’d always hoped to. It’s never too late to start raising an independent child.

-Joel D. Walton