Pre-marital counselors are often the first to get a behind-the-scenes view into the way fiancés interact. After all, seeking an outside perspective is the reason couples seek these types of consultations, even if they’re very sure they are right for each other.

A counselor might come to the sad conclusion that a pending marriage is unlikely to succeed. In the best case scenario, the couple can benefit from this perspective and tackle any concerns together before the marriage (which is the best time to address them).

If you’re contemplating marriage with your beloved and want to feel empowered, here are eight of the most common red flags you should know about.

8 Red Flags for Engaged Couples

#1. You Believe You are Halves of a Whole

While that idea might be romantic, it could be a red flag. When you really believe you’re an incomplete person who “needs” a mate to make you whole, you’re excusing whatever deficiencies you have and possibly leaning on your prospective mate too much.

Instead of relying on a spouse to complete you, make it a game to seek constant and never-ending improvement. If you’re a hopeless couch potato, find enjoyable ways to take care of yourself. Both of you are going to have quirks, faults, and gifts. Work on yourself, accept your partner, and nagging becomes nonexistent.

#2. One of Both of You Is Judgmental

Criticism breeds discontentment. If you’re unhappy with your potential mate’s habits or attitudes, constantly pointing them out can make your fiancé resist change or fight back.

If your fiancé wants to change, reminders might best come from a support group instead of you. But if you can’t honestly love and appreciate your fiancé as is, avoid marriage.

If you’re the one being criticized, this is an excellent time to set definite, clear boundaries on “helpful hints.” Make sure you stick to your guns, or don’t get married. It’s a trap for either party to bank on the other one changing.

#3. You Have Intimacy Issues

Couples need both physical and emotional intimacy to bond and feel close. While you won’t meet all your emotional needs with any one person, your partner should be one of your closest friends, and ideally, your best. There shouldn’t be any need to put on a mask.

Physically, you should feel a very warm connection with your mate, and vice-versa. When these two basics are missing, it means the marriage can easily drift apart.

Make it fun to plan time for romance and play with your fiancé, and make it a lifelong habit.

#4. One or Both Partners is Ignoring Red Flags

For better or worse, love is often blind. If you’re seeing or hearing things from your fiancé that are disturbing, you might tend to gloss over them and assume that everything will work out fine. 

But ignoring those fleeting moments when your fiancé says or does something that startles you for a second might be setting yourself up for a fall. Pay attention to your inner voice and ask those questions. 

Also, even when it’s painful, strive to be as transparent as possible. If that’s difficult, seek help from books, workshops, or professionals so you can preserve your integrity.

#5. One Partner Dominates the Other

At first, you might not question one partner wanting to win all the time, but eventually, the less dominant mate will feel strongly about certain issues. The goal is to make good decisions that work for both of you and to make it safe for both of you to have your distinct points of view.

Build communication skills by setting aside regular time to talk through your respective feelings and issues. When you let one person dominate, it will be much harder to keep the marriage together and happy. If you feel bullied, put off or avoid marriage.

#6. Keeping Score

If you keep a mental list of everything you’ve done for your mate in the hopes of getting favors returned, then whatever you did was not a gift, but an act of manipulation. Instead, keep a mental list of all the many things your mate has done for you and all the things you’d like to do for the marriage. Without it, your marriage may need CPR before too long.

The longer you mentally drain your marriage and undermine esteem for your partner, the more you’re contributing to a failed marriage. And, take it from me — that’s extremely painful.

#7. Your Relationship Isn’t a Priority

Do work, clubs, causes, and other activities seem to derail your plans for time with each other? If that’s the case, you’ll feel the same way after marriage. While there are times when unexpected conditions interrupt your routine, you should both be constantly replenishing your relationship.

Making your marriage a priority shouldn’t feel like a ball and chain. To keep things fresh, act on impulsive ideas to send notes, create surprises, or do favors. If you thought of your marriage as a lifelong savings account, you would add to it regularly so as to create something special over time.

#8. You are Both Alphas

Are you and your partner alphas at home and/or work? If one partner is an alpha at home and the other is an alpha at work, the relationship can work temporarily, but when both parties want to be the alpha at home, the relationship is doomed to failure or lifelong pain. Partners might instinctively switch roles from time to time, which could help.

Marriage is not a win/lose proposition. You’re a team, and you’re both working towards a good life overall. Learn to compromise, and make sure you’re contemplating marriage with a person whose personality is compatible with yours.

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-Joel Walton