Do you know how the world’s first people handled their very first conflict? In the same manner many of us still handle problems or conflicts – by passing the blame.
In Genesis 3, we read the story of how sin entered the world. The serpent tempted Eve, she ate the forbidden fruit and then offered it to Adam. He ate of it also, and their eyes were opened to their nakedness and vulnerability. When confronted by God, Adam passed the blame off on God and Eve saying, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it. (vs 12)” Turning to Eve for answers, she tells God, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate. (vs 13)” Both Adam and Eve chose to pass the blame off to someone else rather than take responsibility for their faults.
Adam and Eve rationalized their actions by placing fault on someone else. I once heard someone say to rationalize your action means to find “rational-lies” to excuse it. Afterall, God did put Eve there with Adam and she did give Adam the fruit. Rational statements, right? However, the lie Adam told himself is that he couldn’t say “no.” Eve rationally blamed the serpent who did deceive her, but she lied to herself about doubting and succumbing to the deception.
When we fail or when hardships come our way, there are three people we tend to blame.
Three Recipients of Our Blame
- We Blame Others.
Who better to take the fall than someone other than us? Since someone, at some point in life, has wronged us all, we seem to become experts at connecting the dots and tying other people to our misfortunes. We find ways to somehow remove ourselves as the guilty party and convict others.
- We Blame Ourselves.
Some go in the opposite direction and blame everything on themselves. Fueled by deep guilt and shame, some people believe that everything is their fault and that they cause all of the bad in their lives. This warped thinking sets us up for failed relationships by enabling others to avoid responsibility for their actions against others. These are often seen as the people who fail to set limits of other people’s behavior or take on more responsibility than they should for other people’s failures. “If I was a better mother my child wouldn’t be hooked on drugs – If I was a better husband my wife wouldn’t have had an affair.”
- We Blame God.
Others get quite bold and blame God for the things that happen to them. Afterall, if God is a supreme being, couldn’t He have stopped this horrible thing from happening? Never the mind that God allows us (and others) free will to choose for ourselves (even when we are choosing poorly). And nevermind that sickness, pain, and hardship are the consequences of our choice to sin. It’s fair easier to blame God (or the universe or fate or destiny for those not of the Christian faith) and say He must be testing you or punishing you.
Three Reasons We Pass the Blame
If mankind has been passing the blame since the beginning, the question we must ask is, “Why?” Here are three reasons we play the blame game.
- Blame gives us a defense.
If the fault belongs to someone else, then I can keep my pride and self-esteem intact. I can stand on the sidelines and watch someone else take the fall. I won’t have to address my own flaws or failures and I can avoid being the recipient of further discomfort or pain. I can defend myself by feeling like I’m still in control of choosing who I will discharge my anger on. I can defend my reasons, defend my pride, and defend my motives.
- Blame makes an excellent weapon.
If I can place blame on someone else, then I have the power to attack that person. I feel powerful and in control because I can use blame to try to hurt other people rather than feel the hurt myself. While I’m in defense mode (see point above), I also can be in offense mode by using my weapon of blame. I have a battle plan and am in control.
- Blaming others is easier.
Accepting responsibility and admitting fault is extremely difficult. No one likes to hear or admit that they messed up. It takes courage and maturity to accept responsibility. It requires slowing our anger, listening to others, and feeling empathy for someone else. Our natural (and sinful) initial reaction to trouble is to find the quickest and safest way out. We do this by immediately finding fault in someone besides ourselves. Because if someone else is wrong, we don’t have to do anything. But admitting we are at fault naturally lends itself to further action – correcting that wrong.
In a world so quick to justify our behavior, we forget that as Christians we only need one type of justification – the justification Jesus gave us. Christ justified us and redeemed our faults and removed the need for the blame game when He conquered sin and death. Think of justified as being “Just-As-If-I’d” never sinned. We all face limitations in some way or another and it’s through limitation that we ultimately should find our sufficiency – not in ourselves, but in Christ.
If you’re struggling with the endless blame game, whether toward others or yourself, you may benefit from working with a trained counselor who can help filter through your hurts and hangups. Contact me today and let’s quit playing the blame game.
-Joel D. Walton