Question: Are your every waking hours spent running kids to and from school and activities? Is the first uninterrupted conversation between you and your mate when you collapse into bed exhausted each night? Have all of your framed wedding photos now been replaced with your kids’ school photos? Do miniature versions of you hijack the space in your bed between you and your mate?
If you answered “yes” to most of the preceding questions, I ask, “Who comes first: your mate or your kids?”
We love our kids wholeheartedly, right? No one is denying that or asking you to stop. But there is no logical reason for your child to have a higher status in your home, mind, and heart than your spouse. Your kids exist because of you and because of your marriage – not the other way around. One day those children will grow and leave, but your spouse will still be there. Would it not serve to reason that the needs of your marriage take priority?
Rather than placing our kids in the #1 position, here are some things our kids actually DO need.
Your kids need their parents to have a strong marriage.
When children are able to witness a healthy marriage that appropriately handles conflict where spouses lovingly sacrifice and submit to one another, children are happier. They are also more likely to seek those traits in a spouse and repeat the pattern of a successful marriage. Spouses who neglect one another for the kids are more likely to self-destruct the marriage. And guess which bystander is harmed in the process? The kids you fought so hard to place first.
Your kids need to think of others first.
Children who watch their parents put one another first – placing the needs of others before their own – learn to be empathetic, servant-hearted, and less selfish. Sons who see their fathers love and elevate their wives, learn to later love and elevate their own wives. Daughters who see their mothers respect and appreciate their husbands, learn to later respect and appreciate their own husbands.
Your kids need to learn how to solve problems.
Children need to seek out and devise solutions to problems without having you at their every beck and call. Problem solving teaches them to rise after failure and makes them more resilient. Yes, help your kids. Advise your kids. But grow and strengthen them by letting them learn on their own also.
I am not suggesting the old ‘children should be seen and not heard’ motto. Of course not. Children are valuable, they are blessings, they are cherished. But, they thrive when they are able to recognize someone (mom and dad) or something (their parent’s marriage) as more important than the kid’s immediate wants.
Your kids need a positive you.
When your marriage is thriving, your happiness does also. Conversely, our moods and mental clarity decrease exponentially when there is strife in the home. That discourse not only affects our attitudes and the way we interact with our mates and our children, but it also affects our children. Want to raise happy, healthy children? Be a happy, healthy you!
Your kids don’t need you to be a perfect parent.
No person in all of history has had a perfect parent, yet many have gone on to become wonderful citizens. Being a “perfect” (using that term loosely) parent can often be synonymous with busy parent – leaving little time for spouses and their marriages. Do be an involved parent, but it’s more important for your child that you be involved and invested in your marriage. Child activities like ball seasons, scouts, etc. will eventually end, but your marriage should be life long.
If it’s time to reconnect with your spouse and prioritize your marriage, a professional and trained marriage counselor can help you get back to what’s most important. Contact me (HERE) and let me help you and your spouse develope the marriage your kids need from you.
-Joel Walton