Motherhood carries with it about every different emotion you can think of. There’s joy in cuddling your little one before bed time and watching them drift off into peaceful sleep. You’re overwhelmed with happiness when you watch them try something new and succeed – whether it be taking those first steps or passing a Calculus exam. There’s fear every time your kid drives off in the car without you and you worry if they’ll be safe. There’s anger when you hear of anyone who mistreats your child. And, unfortunately, there’s also the infamous mom guilt.
Mom guilt is that nagging doubt, anxiety, and uncertainty that you are falling short of the expectations placed on you as a mother. It’s that self reflecting and then self criticizing that you do as you lay in bed at night or as you watch other moms and their kids. Every mom is different, so her guilt takes on its own form. But, it’s there – waiting and ready to leave her feeling insufficient and incompetent.
Mom guilt can affect a plethora of decisions like relationship choices, career decisions and childcare options. Am I spending enough time with my child? Should I return to work or stay at home? Did I breastfeed long enough?
The problem with mom guilt is the shift from guilt to shame. The feelings of guilt are a focus on a specific behavior, but the result is the “I am a bad mom” thoughts which become feelings of shame. So, “I yelled at the kids today when they were arguing,” is a feeling of guilt over the behavior. But the equated “I am a bad mom,” feeling of shame becomes the lie mothers believe. The guilt and shame lead to self judgement and constant comparison and spirals into more negative thoughts about self. Moms do a great job of masking these feelings, but they’re there and sadly, moms believe they are true.
Common Areas of Mom Guilt & How to Battle Them
If mom guilt is a common and recognized problem, how do you overcome it? Like any other problem, you have to know its triggers so you can avoid them.
Mom Guilt Problem: The Comparison Game
Moms can be incredibly gentle, nurturing and understanding with others. You listen to your friends, encourage them, and remind them they’re doing a great job. You’re there to kiss your child’s boo-boos, encourage them to climb back on those bikes they fell off of, and cheer them to the finish line, but then turn around and be brutally tough on yourself.
You see other kids at restaurants eating their veggies and wonder why your own kid will only eat chicken nuggets and french fries. Your friend just finished a year of breastfeeding and you wonder if you messed up by giving yours a bottle. You see the video of the kid on social media playing the piano and wonder what you did wrong that your kid doesn’t seem as advanced or talented. Was there too much screen time? I mean, look! That other kid knows sign language and the periodic table of elements!!!
The Solution: When you see others doing something you deem impressive, compliment that child or that mother. Then, instead of wondering why your kid isn’t doing the same thing, look for what makes your child unique. Maybe your kid doesn’t make honor roll. But is your child kind and compassionate? Do they play with the kid that no one else wants to play with? Celebrate that!
If you’re worried your child is falling “behind” on something, remind yourself that worrying has never changed anything except how you feel (and never in a good way). Trust yourself and trust your gut. Write down any concerns you have. Do a little research, ask the pedicatrician and then trust yourself that your child is perfectly fine and you’re doing the best job you can do.
Mom Guilt Problem: The Demands on Your Schedule
Your day consists of so many things: Work, school, homework, household chores, dinner, and the seventy billion distractions in between. Your boss needs you to do your job, the kids are required to be at school on time, the house won’t clean itself, and apparently humans need to eat on a regular basis. So, you can’t skip any of the demands on you and your time. But, you’re struggling to fit everything in and you’re worried that soon you’ll drop the ball. Your mom guilt is nagging you because you feel like you can’t get it all done, you’re running late for the kid’s dance practice, and you don’t feel like you spend enough time with your kids.
The Solution: Take control of your calendar. You have 24 hours in one day – no more than that. Write down everything that needs to be done. Find overlapping activities or gaps in the schedule where you can enjoy down time or play time with the kids. Mom guilt telling you that you’re not having enough “fun” with your kids? Turn the car ride to school into an “I Spy” game. Have the kids help you make dinner and turn it into a cooking lesson. Get creative with your time and manage it so that it doesn’t manage you.
Mom Guilt Problem: Trying to do it all.
Take the schedule demands we mentioned above and add societal pressures, unrealistic expectations, and Susie Home Maker down the street who seems to do it ALL – and perfectly – and you’ve got yourself the right combo for mom guilt. No one person can do it all. It’s just not possible. Even Betty Crocker down the street isn’t getting it all done. The “perfect mom” is a facade. She doesn’t exist. No gets it ALL done because ALL of it doesn’t NEED to get done.
The Solution: Get a village. Find yourself a couple of encouraging mom friends. Support them and accept their support in return. Enlist help. There’s nothing wrong with hiring a mommy’s helper to carry some of the load. Let the kids carry some of the load also by giving them age appropriate chores. Bonus: you’ll teach your kids responsibility (and that’s a mom win). Order take out instead of cooking every night. Bonus: you’ll teach your kids to support local businesses (another mom win). Take advantage of grocery or meal delivery services. Incorporate the kids by letting them help you add items to the online cart and letting them see how the totals add up. (Did someone say math and finance lesson?? Another mom win!)
Mom Guilt Problem: Abandoning Your Own Needs
To compound the problems of comparison, not having enough time, and feeling like you have to do it all, mom guilt plays another mean trick on moms when it comes to their own personal needs. Moms have the ability to feel guilty for taking time for themselves and their own needs while also feeling guilty for not taking care of themselves. You feel selfish for wanting a weekend away to relax and rejuvenate, but also feel guilty for not taking the time away to have fun with friends or your mate. The problem is that you cannot give from which you do not have, and moms often ignore what their own body needs.
The Solution: You need to nourish your own body, move your body, and connect with others. These are not just wants, they are needs. How can you teach your kids to eat well if you don’t take the time to eat also? How can you teach your kids to make friends and love others if you don’t take time for your own relationships? Sadly, I bet those last two questions just invoked mom guilt feelings in some of you. I would encourage you to shift that to thoughts of acknowledgment and change – permission to grant yourself grace because caring for you helps you care for your family too.
Mom guilt can be a cruel part of motherhood, but it doesn’t have to be. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best job you can with that you have. Focus on what’s going right and well with your kids rather than looking around at others. Accept help and support when it’s offered because you don’t have anything to prove to anyone else by over exhausting yourself. And for goodness sake, take the girls’ weekend get away – or at least the night out once in a while. You earned it and don’t let the lies of mom guilt tell you anything different!
No, I’m not a mom. But, I’m married to one and I’ve worked with several over the years. As a trained and experienced counselor, I can help you filter through the feelings of guilt and shame that come from mom guilt. So, if you’re struggling, give me a call and let’s start working toward breaking free.
– Joel