“That’s not fair!” How many times have you heard someone say that? It’s usually an emphatic statement made out of frustration when someone felt a situation didn’t get handled evenly and justly. I hear people frequently say how they want a relationship where everything is equal and fair: a true partnership.
Translation – they want a 50/50 arrangement.
The problem is, 50/50 marriages aren’t realistic or healthy. They just don’t work. That sounds more like a business partnership and marriage isn’t a business deal. Truly successful marriages should be 100/100.
Why 50/50 Marriages Aren’t Really Fair
- Keeping Score Is for the Ballfields
If you’re going to have a 50/50 relationship, you will always be monitoring to see if you’re giving more than 50% and getting less than your 50% from your mate. No relationship can survive this constant scorekeeping and comparison.
It creates an environment of strict expectations and little grace. It puts you in the position of constantly judging or critiquing your mate’s performance pattern. Is that really where you want your focus to be? Is that really where you want your mate’s focus to be?
- No One Has Ever Really Been 50/50
We assume that we know what 50/50 looks like. Yet, if I ask couples who believe in this model to define it, they can’t. There are way too many components and variables involved to truly divide responsibilities into 50/50. Does every chore weigh equal? Does that factor in your individual abilities? There’s no set formula to “fairly” divide the activities, chores, tasks, and decisions to be 50/50. It’s impractical.
For example, if one spouse enjoys vacuuming and doing laundry (try not to snicker at my examples as if someone actually enjoys doing laundry), does it make sense to insist on a schedule that requires each party to share these chores 50/50? Wouldn’t it be less of a task for the one who enjoys it or more of a task for the one who does not? Do you follow my logic? There’s no real scale to weigh out all of these factors.
- It Complicates Your Parenting
There is a new trend called Baby-Nups. It is take on a pre-nup where people are searching for certainty in relationships and parenting. A baby-nup means the couple writes up a contract on how to parent. This may include how many diapers will be changed by each parent, what nights each parent is allowed to be out of the home, what school to send the kids to, how to celebrate the holidays, what formula to use, and more.
But anyone who is a parent or has been around kids knows things rarely go as planned with it comes to kids. I fear the baby-nup trend is setting people up for undue stresses and heartaches, and also that it’ll limit the selflessness and giving of oneself that comes with being a parent.
- It Removes Flexibility
You and your partner are each better at different things. This isn’t a surprise to you. Doesn’t it make sense to divide tasks and activities based on who enjoys them or is best at them, rather than based on “equality” alone? Does one of you cook better? Does one of you enjoy yard work? Does one of you have a flexible work schedule that makes it easy to take the kids to school?
We say we want even and fair, but each person in the marriage has their own strengths and weaknesses. It is important to recognize and to play to those strengths and weaknesses. And seasons of life will demand more and less from each of you through the years. There will be times when 50/50 is impossible. Sometimes it’s 60/40, 25/75 and yes, even 0/100. But again, our goal is 100/100 – knowing that when we are weak, we can lean on the strength of our mate and visa versa.
- It Creates Comparisons
A common basis for judging whether or not you’re getting your 50/50 share is to compare your mate’s ways of doing things with your own ways of doing them. Unfortunately, the nature of judgment is we tend to judge any job performance to be “less than” unless it’s done the same way that we would have done it – to some bias standard or expectation. No matter how your mate completes a job, comparison creates the opportunity for you to feel that your expectations weren’t met. And again, visa versa. Who wants to feel like they can never do it “right” or “good enough”?
Conversely, it’s well-documented human nature to judge the 50% we give as superior to our mate’s 50%. And again, how is this fair? We tend to assume that the 50% we give is exactly what our partner wants. Could this be open to misinterpretation?
A Challenge for 100%
What if you and your partner both decide to give 100%? How would that look?
What if you went all out and gave it all to the relationship? I’m not talking about being a doormat or a victim. I mean to go all out in communication, kindness, supporting each other’s hopes and dreams, and treating the marriage and its well being and needs as more important you two individuals.
And what if you and your mate play to your strengths? What if both you and your mate identify your personal strengths and focus on what each of you do well? Divide up the tasks that are left, and find a way to make them palatable or hire them out.
I guarantee one or both of you will have trials, hurdles, and weak moments. At times, your 100% may look more like 10% to an outsider. That 10% may actually be the very best you can do at the moment, and your partner knows that. It’s so much easier for your partner to be strong and supportive at times like this, knowing that you normally give it your all.
Lastly, I want you to consider this question: Do you believe that this person has good intentions towards you?
If so, then insisting on a 50/50 relationship is destructive to your marriage. It’s based on a habit of scorekeeping and the distinct possibility that one or the other of you will feel lack – either because you think you’re failing to hold up your side or because you think your mate’s failing to uphold his/hers. Furthermore, if you don’t believe that your partner has good intentions towards you, then a 50/50 relationship won’t fix the problems you have.
Life can be tough. Marriage can be tough. We all need help navigating it at times. If you and your mate would benefit from a neutral third party who is trained in the best practices for your marriage, give me a call and let’s set your marriage on the right track.
-Joel D. Walton