Remember back in science class when you learned about the three forms of water? Since some of us are far removed from the school ages days, let me refresh your memory. Water can take on three different forms: liquid (water), gas (vapor), or solid (ice). At any given time water must fall into one of those three categories. It doesn’t exist outside of those three states.
A marriage in distress can also take on one of three forms: IN, OUT, or WAIT. Depending on the desires of both mates, you can both be committed to staying in the marriage, ready to end the marriage, or in a period of waiting on one to decide if he/she is in or out.
In, Out, or Wait
When your marriage is in trouble or in a crisis, an individual can occupy only three places in a relationship.
IN
To be IN means that both spouses want to be in the marriage and are both working constructively to build trust and love in the marriage. They have both verbalized to one another that they are in this for the long haul. There is no backup plan. There is no conditional or ultimatum. They are both wholeheartedly committed. Couples who are IN have a hope for success.
OUT
To be OUT means that one (or both) of the spouses has decided he/she is done. For whatever reason, one partner (or both) does not want to be in the marriage anymore. He/she is not willing to work on it.
No matter how much you love your spouse or want to work on the marriage, if your mate chooses OUT, you cannot be IN. If he/she is OUT, so are you. Without your mate, there can be no marriage to be IN. It takes two people to be IN, but only one to be OUT.
If your mate is OUT, you are not without some choices. True, you no longer have a choice about the relationship, but you do a choice in your reaction to your mate’s decision. You may choose to:
- Chase after him/her – begging them to change their mind or return.
- Attempt to force him/her to be IN with some type of manipulation, blackmail, pawn game.
- Be bitter, angry, depressed, vindictive, or some combination of these emotions.
- Withdraw from trusting anyone for the rest of your life and thus avoid any chance at a healthy future relationship.
- Punish anyone and everyone who reminds you of your mate – even the children who resulted from the marriage.
- OR (and this is one I hope you land on), no matter how much pain you feel at the time, choose to let go of the pain, seek professional help, forgive, and move on to a new life and new identity.
WAIT
There is a third option, and it’s to WAIT. It’s not an easy option, but it’s not a helpless, powerless option. Choosing to WAIT means a) you know you are not happy right now, b) you recognize that your needs are not being met, c) you are not willing to live like this forever, BUT – and this is the key – d) you are not willing to walk away. You are choosing to stay and choosing to do your part in creating an environment that is conducive to your partner’s growth and choice. You are choosing to “put things on hold” for a while in order to avoid making a painful or regretful mistake.
While you WAIT, you can still hold onto your personal power (https://www.mendedlife.com/keeping-your-personal-power-in-conflict/). You have choices available to you and choices equal power. You retain the power and choice to not complain about all that is wrong with your marriage but instead to actively practice patience, self-control and understanding. You have the choice and power to look after you and your most basic needs. You can choose not to be vindictive or seek revenge (because it won’t take long before the other mate will choose OUT if you do seek those things). You can even choose to create a crisis or give your mate an ultimatum. (I would highly caution you on that one – you better be prepared to follow through with whatever you threaten.) You also hold the power to decide that if things get too uncomfortable or you are no longer willing to WAIT, then you can choose to be OUT. You can choose to not WAIT anymore and to be the one who is OUT.
Advice For the Person Who is WAITING
As the old Tom Petty song goes, “The waiting in the hardest part.” But it doesn’t mean you’re helpless. There are things you can do right now as you WAIT to help make your marriage situation better or even to improve its chances of being IN.
Give space when asked. I know you’re in emotional turmoil right now, but it’s important to not be too emotionally needy as your mate decides if he/she is IN or OUT. An emotionally charged environment breeds hasty, rash decisions. Find a healthy outlet for your emotions, so you can create the space your mate needs to make his/her best decision.
Limit who you talk to and what advice you receive. You’ll likely want to talk to someone about what’s going on in your life. But, choose wisely. Even well-intentioned family and friends don’t always give the best, unbiased advice. Look at who’s giving the advice and what state their relationships with their spouse, family, and friends is in.
Find your identity in Christ rather than in your relationship.If you’re expecting your mate to fill every need or void in your life, it will never happen. You will eventually be disappointed. No one can do that. Your mate is not responsible for your happiness. Wholeness is found only in Christ – the one perfect pursuer of you! You are not broken. You are not cast aside. You are not worthless. You are made new. You are made whole. You are wanted, cherished, and more deeply loved than you could ever know – not by your spouse (no human is capable of this perfect love), but by Christ. Relying on Christ to tell you whom you are, what your worth is, and to fill your heart with love will take the pressure off of your mate and give you more strength and grace.
Wait upon the Lord.As hard as it can be, the Bible is full of heroes who had to wait. God is still in control in the waiting. God may take longer than you wish in answering, but He will eventually answer. Let Him prune you and grow you as you wait. Only He knows the beautiful masterpiece He is creating in you – despite what your spouse may choose.
Protect yourself. Do not tolerate bad behavior or any emotional or financial abuse towards you or your children. Limit the amount of emotional capital you are spending during this waiting period. Do not compromise your value system in an effort to convince your mate to stay. Protect yourself financially by getting legal help. Most employers have an EAP program and you can get some free legal help. Protect yourself mentally and emotionally by looking into a qualified Christian counselor who supports your worldview and can help you work through some of the confusion and stress you’re dealing with.
There is nothing easy about IN, OUT, or WAIT. IN requires hard work, OUT means finding closure, and WAIT requires extreme patience and wisdom. Whichever state your marriage is in, a trained professional can help you journey through it. In all three marital conditions, healing is needed – whether it’s healing the marriage or healing your wounds. That’s where I come in. Contact me today and let’s figure out which state you’re in and how to get you where you want to go.
-Joel D. Walton