They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but what about loving again after you’ve lost? What if you walked the aisle, said, “I do,” and committed yourself to someone for the rest of your life – and then they died? You promised, “Til death do we part,” and now that death has caused you to part. Now what?
There are many doubts and questions surrounding the idea of dating and marrying again after bereavement. Statistically, widowers remarry more often than widows, bereaved spouses remarry less often than divorced spouses, and remarriage after death tends to decline with age. The various factors involved are certainly unique, just like each person’s journey. But, here are a few questions I commonly get on the subject.
When Is it Okay to Date or Remarry After Loss?
First of all, are you asking if it is morally, emotionally, mentally, or socially okay? This is a personal decision for every bereaved spouse. This is a hard decision to make and it can be an even harder issue with family and friends who may see your desire to reconnect differently than you do.
The first thing you need know and be wiling to talk about with others is that (your) dating or remarrying. Starting a new relationship or marriage does not mean you have forgotten the last one. It does not mean you stop thinking about or even talking about the special memories and season of life you shared with your mate. You cannot delete your previous marriage and no one should expect you to. It’s part of who you are and how you go to this place. Dating or marrying again means you decided to open yourself to new experiences and continue your life – to pick up the pieces, work through the grief, and enjoy the life you have left. Part of the grief process is accepting your new normal. And while it was not by choice, your new normal is that you are single and you free to open yourself to another love relationship and yes, eventually another marriage.
Love is not limited. Your love for your late spouse does not end if you marry a new one, and nor does that take away from the love you have for your new mate. Loving again does not dishonor or disrespect your late spouse. In fact, loving again (after healing) helps you honor your deceased mate by living again – by enjoying the years of life you have ahead of you.
How Do I Know When I’m Ready?
To answer this question you need to gauge a couple of meters.
First, examine your motives. Why do you want to date again or remarry? Are you lonely and wanting companionship? Are you looking to just emotionally connect with the opposite sex in more of a deeper way? It’s important to figure out why you want to date/remarry and if those motives are healthy. Perhaps you are seeking a relationship to mask loneliness rather than working through what it means to without your late spouse. Or maybe you really enjoyed being married, and after some time have decided to you want to again.
Second, examine your emotions. Our emotions work as thermometers to help us figure out what we’re experiencing. Loneliness, guilt, fear, sadness, or even numbness are indicators of grief and can point us to deeper needs. Is loneliness telling me I actually just need a friend right now? Is guilt telling me I need answers to “why?” Is numbness telling me I am still in shock or denial? Take the time to experience these emotions and let them serve as indications as to what you really need right now.
Things To Think About Before Dating Again
When you’re ready to date again, here are some pointers shared by folks with similar loss.
Take it slow. Just like you need to work through grief at your own pace, don’t let anyone push or rush you into “getting back out there.” There is no timeline for this.
Decide your boundaries and set guidelines. Where and how will you meet someone? Perhaps decide on a safe, public place and drive yourself there, so that you can leave if you feel the need to. Be ready to talk about your loss without overwhelming the person with details. I wouldn’t advise anybody to date for at least a year, but again, everyone grieves differently.
Talk to your kids. If you have children, they may have mixed feelings about you dating again. Ultimately, it is your decision, but sharing with the kids how you are feeling may help them also figure out their own emotions. Assure them you’re not trying to replace their parent, but just as they want companionship, you do too. Remember, they experienced the loss also. Be patient with them.
Be up front about the loss you’ve experienced and where you currently are in your grief. But, introduce yourself by sharing who you are and not necessarily all about what you’ve lost.
Remember that no one is going to cure your loss or sadness. While this new person can add joy and happiness to your life, it is not their responsibility to fix your grief.
Most importantly, take it one step at a time. Trust your instincts if they say slow down, but don’t let fear prevent you from loving again. When the time is right and you’re ready, you’ll be open to love. Just like you were before.
If you’re still struggling with the death of a spouse or you’re feeling doubt or guilt about dating again, you may benefit from working with a trained counselor. Being a remarried widower myself, I have a unique insight into your struggle and the counseling background to help you make your own decisions about what’s right for you.
– Joel D. Walton