I almost rear ended a car the other day. It would’ve been my fault because I was distracted by something I saw. The sight of something beautiful caused me to stare, and to lose my focus.
Before you jump to conclusions, it’s not what you think…
You see, I passed a vintage car club that was on its way to some destination. Passing by, I saw a line of well loved and cared for classic cars. I was in awe – I just love classic cars. I myself have a 65 Mustang Convertible that I restored and drove to Las Vegas in 2014 for the 50th Mustang Birthday celebration that Ford Motor Company had put on to marking its 50 years of continued production – So I understand the effort and love it takes to restore and keep these classic cars running.
But, the group of cars I saw the other day were breathtaking! Clearly the owners had put a ton of time, attention, and love into these cars – and it showed. I can’t help but look at them and wander how many times could they have been junked out or taking to the scrap yard. What makes them so special today is how rare they are and how we can clearly see the effort that’s been taken to get them to this point.
But, this is not an article about cars. It’s about husbands and wives and the amount of effort they are willing to put into their marriage. It is not uncommon for men to have a great admiration for and interest in things like vintage cars, professional sports and other hobbies. But, as a husbands, do we invest the same efforts into loving and caring for our wives?
The effort a man put into loving his wife will often determines if their marriage is in the process of rusting and fading away or if it will someday be a marriage that’s admired by other, like one of those classic cars I saw driving down the street.
How Men and Women Feel About “Love”
Chances are you just read the word love and had one of two reactions. You either immediately lost interest or you kept scrolling, thinking you’ve got the love thing down pat. Based on my years of experience working with couples, we could all use work in this department. More likely than not, your wife may not feel like you’ve got that love thing as down pat as you think you do.
Can I let you in on a little secret? (Of course, it’s probably not a secret and probably something she’s been trying to tell you for quite a while.) Your wife is starving for your love. She’s probably thirsting for intimacy (and not necessarily the kind your mind just jumped to). While your primary need in your marriage is for her to respect you, the thing she desires more than anything is for you to love her.
But I do love my wife, you may be thinking. I’m sure you do. I bet if you were forced to choose between her life and yours, you wouldn’t give a second thought about sacrificing yours. You’d die for her. She knows that.
What she wants even more is for you to live for her.
4 Ways to Show Love for Your Wife
Love is not a feeling. It’s not just a word. It’s a verb. It requires action. It is not enough to feel love for her (though that’s great). It’s not enough to tell her you love her (that’s great too – keep doing that). You must show her that you love her. Your intentional (key word here) actions must speak loud and clear of your tenderness and love for her.
Because we’re men, we like tangible examples to spell it out. No one should expect us to use some crystal ball to figure out how to show love to her. So, to help you out, here are some practical and meaningful ways you can love her.
- Listen to her.
I don’t mean just sitting quietly while she talks. Pause the TV. Make eye contact with her. You may have to move your body to face her in order to make this happen. This may feel awkward at first, but she will appreciate your body language showing that you’re listening. When it’s appropriate, ask questions to show you’re engaged in what she’s saying. What did you do then? Was that difficult/painful/etc? And for the love of pete, fight all of your natural instincts to “fix” any problems she shares with you. You may even want to ask her before she starts sharing,“Are you sharing so I can empathize or are you looking for solutions?”Nine times out of ten she’s just running her thoughts past you and doesn’t need to know what you’d do if you were her (because you’re not her).
- Be affectionate.
She committed to you when she married you. She’s off the market to all other guys. You are the ONLY chance she has for someone to show her affection. You can fail to do so because you don’t feel like it, but then you’re cheating her of something she really needs and cannot get from any other man. Hold her hand in the car. Hug her for no reason. I bet you’ll genuinely surprise her the first time you embrace her and kiss her for no reason and with no sexual implications or strings attached. Let your kids see you showering your wife in affection. Even better if the kids cover their eyes, point, and call it gross.
- Elevate her.
Every woman wants to be looked at like she’s the only woman in the room. She wants to your sole desire. When men stare at the women on tv or out in public, it’s a slap in their wife’s face. Lift her up by telling her how beautiful she is. When other men are making jokes about their wives, don’t join in. Instead, compliment your wife. She probably does a million things a day for you that you could compliment her on.
- Encourage her.
Encourage her to be her. Woman face a daily battle with the mirror and society to look, act, and parent a certain way. Remind her why you married her and how great of a mother you think she is. Encourage her hobbies, her interests, her dreams and her goals. If you don’t know what those are, ask her. Or watch her. Or go back to point number one and listen to her until you figure them out. Send her on a girl’s night out. Give her a gift certificate to go shopping at a store where she can’t spend the money on the kids. Arrange a brunch date for her and her mom. Show her you care about the things she cares about.
Loving Her is a Must
For the Christ following man, loving your wife isn’t just something you do when you feel like it or when she is being lovable. It’s a command. Check out Ephesians 5:25-31.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’”
From these six verses we see God’s standard for how you must show love for her.
- Give of yourself for her. This may mean giving up watching the ballgame in the recliner when she could use an extra set of hands with the kids.
- Cleanse her through the word. Be the spiritual leader in your home by setting the example for bible study, prayer, and church attendance.
- Present her as radiant and without blemish. Speak well of her to others. Skip the tasteless jokes and instead defend her honor.
- Love her as your own body. You’ve probably never withheld food from yourself when you were hungry. Don’t withhold love, affection, and tenderness from her. She needs that to thrive as much as you need food.
- Leave your parents and unite to her. She’s not your mother and you honestly don’t want her to treat you as if she is. Don’t compare her to your mother or force your family practices on her. Yes, she married into your crew, but your marriage to her is separate from whatever you grew up with.
- Become one flesh. This isn’t simply physically. It’s emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Take on her burden. Empathize with what she feels and ask her to share what she’s thinking, feeling, or struggling with right now.
I’m going to be honest. Your wife may seem pretty unlovable at times. Maybe you feel disrespected by her right now. Maybe she nags and complains or maybe you think she’s let herself go.
Loving our wives is not a conditional job – it’s a non-negotiable privilege. It’s going to take effort. We’re so willing to go the extra mile at work, but what about in our homes? It will take time, but imagine how she will soften, how she will look at you, how she will speak to you if you start consistently and intentionally loving her.
What would the world look like if we men did this? What impact would it have on our children? What kind of godly sons would we raise and what kind of men would our daughter’s one day look for in a spouse?
I challenge you to commit to this kind of love for your wife. It’s not going to be easy, just like it hasn’t been easy to keep those classic cars looking beautiful, but it’s worth it. If you need help getting started or figuring out what this looks like and how to get there, a trained counselor would be a great support to you. Contact me today and let’s start your marriage toward a place of healing and fulfillment.
-Joel D. Walton