Eighteen, or so, years ago you went through one of the biggest transitions in life, childbirth. You brought home a tiny, little bundle and have spent nearly two decades helping that little life learn and grow. You’ve been a full time chauffeur, cook, maid, coach, and every other task that accompanies parenthood. And so, here you are in another major life transition. Your child is leaving for college and you’re left asking, “What do I do now?”
While every parent transitions a little differently, the fact of the matter is: this is happening.Here are some tips to help you adjust to this new phase in life.
Tips to Help You Adjust to Empty-Nesting
Celebrate (And Then Feel Everything Else)!
First and foremost, stop and celebrate because YOU DID IT!!! This is the milestone you’ve spent 18 years grooming your kids for. There are parents (and people who wish they could be parents) who will never get the opportunity to experience this time of their life.
Then, give yourself permission to feel the full range of emotions. You may be sad they left, relieved to have more time, proud they have succeeded, lonely with the silence, happy you’ve parented well, grieved a season of life is over, and every emotion in between. It’s all normal, and it’s all okay. What’s important is to recognize the growth and to celebrate it. I often wonder what God thinks of us as we mourn our children growing and leaving, since I’m pretty sure He finds joy in our growth rather than sadness. Does His heart ache with ours or is He urging us to rejoice? My guess is some of both.
Realistically, any empty nesting grief will probably be much shorter lived than you think. While many parents experience a bout of grief after initially dropping their children off at college, most parents move to a place of relief and ultimately joy within a few months. By spring break, you’ll be smelling the roses!
Enjoy a Second Newlywed Phase
Remember that person you said, “I do,” to before the kid entered the picture? Yep, your spouse. It’s been a very long time since it’s been just the two of you. It’s time to rekindle that bond and remember why you married in the first place. Seriously, take off for a weekend vacation just because you can. Eat the foods YOU want to eat again. Watch the shows YOU want to watch again. Go wild! Your identity, especially for moms, has probably been in your role as a parent. Refocus and reconnect with your spouse.
Taking care of children can be stressful on parents and a marriage. When children leave, view it as an opportunity to have fun and excitement with your mate again…a second honeymoon per say.
If you’re having trouble connecting with your spouse, know when it’s time to seek professional help. You may realize you don’t even truly know your mate anymore. Furthermore, some adults who struggle with this season may turn to destructive behaviors (gambling, affairs, anger, substance abuse, shopping, building emotional walls, etc.). I’ve worked with parents who struggled through this empty nesting season. Many have later returned shared how the counseling process allowed them to develop a deeper connection with their spouse and they are finally able to see and understanding their partner’s hopes, dreams, and ambitions like never before. Some of them even make this period the greatest time of their life!
Find a New Communication Pattern
Times have changed. You no longer have to sit by the phone and wait for your child to call you collect from school. We have a multitude of channels in which to connect with our kids: cell phone calls, text messages, Facetime, email, Facebook, etc. Before your child leaves for college, discuss expectations (from you and from them) about communication. How often and in what method?
Start a family group text to keep everyone in touch. Engage on social media. Don’t blow your child’s phone up. Send a non-invasive message that you’re available to chat when they are. If you’ve laid out expectations, your child will respond when he/she can. Remember, they’ve got commitments now too.
Recognize This Isn’t All About You
Empty nesting isn’t just hard for the parents. It’s a transition for the kid too. Your child may experience bouts of homesickness. Don’t gloat in these moments. Rather, reaffirm your child of their ability to grow and adapt. Let them know that home is always there and your love and support will never go anywhere; but it’s time to carry out all they’ve learned and worked for.
Update Rules for When They Come Home
Your college student may return home during school and holiday breaks. Know now that it will be different than before they left home. Your child has experienced independence like they had never known. Discuss new rules and expectations for curfews, chores, etc. This will eliminate the rebellion and “I’m 18 now” arguments.
Write a New Chapter
Finally, we need to realize (as with all transitions) it’s about coming to terms with a new identity. Who are you now that your child has gone off to college and/or the military? Having one less person in the house is the perfect time to still yourself and listen and watch for God to show you what He has planned for you next. Rest assured, just because you’re parenting responsibilities have changed doesn’t mean God doesn’t still have something for you! You are more to the kingdom than just a parent! God is waiting to write a brand new chapter in your life, if only you’re willing to let him.
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If your child is still in high school, there are some things you can do to ease into empty nesting. Begin now to make life easier later.
Tips for Parents with a Child Still in High School
Start Preparing Yourself Now
Begin a process of leaving rather than having one, big dramatic event. Don’t live in denial. The day will come. Embrace it and talk about it rather than avoiding it. When your kid is still in high school, start taking some time for YOU again. Small changes made over time make much less of a shock. Enjoy the slow changes and look forward to the adventures to come.
Start Weaning Your Child Now
Teach your child all of the independent skills they will need when they leave for college. Teach them to balance a checkbook. Have them do their own laundry. Let them cook dinner for the family so they know how to feed themselves when they leave. Begin a balanced, independent life now, under your roof, while you can still teach them and build their confidence.
Reconnect with Your Spouse Now
I have heard countless stories of couples who have spent years living as co-parents rather than husband and wife. Their primary focus has been on their kids for 18 years and once the kid is out of the picture, mom and dad don’t know each other anymore. They’ve exhausted themselves loving their kids and forgot to love one another. Now the house is empty and they feel dissatisfied with one another’s company. Avoid this by staying connected to your spouse despite the demands of parenthood. Go on a weekly (or at least monthly) date. Find regular times to be intimate. Choose daily to show love, even when your time is limited.
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I often tell clients – From our children’s first steps, we are teaching them to walk away from us. Isn’t that the truth?
I recently was working with a client struggling because her son was headed off to college.
I asked her about her hobbies. She shared that she loved to grow plants from clippings, and how she would give them away to family and friends. She then explained the process of how she lovingly cared for them. As part of the process she said she transplanted them into larger pots. I asked her why she didn’t grow them in a bigger pot in the first place? She said that in the early stage, the roots needed confinement, and that depending on the plant, they may need to be moved multiple times to provide the right environment for them to grow.
I then asked, “As parents, don’t we do the same with our children? When they’re young and fragile, don’t we care of them, by moving them into the right environment so they can grow?“ Just like plants, our children were never meant to live their whole lives in one container.
When our children leave our homes, they are simply being transplanted to a new location? While the initial shock of their leaving can feel overwhelming, won’t we watch them grow stronger healthier than if we’d kept them confined in too small of a pot?
I told her, “Like your plants, isn’t that the reason we grew them, so you can give them away?” The real issue is not that they moved to a new location; it’s what to do with the empty pot that they’ve left behind.
Sadly, instead of celebrating a job well done, we are often left with feelings of grief, loss, and the fear, associated with finding a new identity and purpose for our lives once our children leave us. God never closes a door without opening another.
If you need help from a trained counselor to navigate this new phase of life, contact me.
-Joel Walton