I’ve mentioned before that my neighbors are big into gardening. While I don’t have a green thumb myself (more like a black one…that kills plants), I’ve learned a few things from talking to them. Like, did you know that the color of some flowers can differ based on the acidity of the soil they grow in? Two seeds can be planted into soil with two different chemical makeups and bloom totally different colors – both beautiful, just different.

People are the same way. The environment we bloom in – if we’re keeping with the analogy – plays a big role in who we are, how we handle conflict, and what we think relationships should look like. No one chooses where they grow up or what family of origin they come from. But, we do get to choose to examine how that has impacted us and our marriages.

How Family of Origin Play Into Marriage Relationships

The term “family of origin” refers to the immediate family with whom you grew up – most likely your parents and siblings, but also anyone else who lived in your home during part of your childhood. These people were your daily relationships. They are who you learned to love with, fight with, compromise with, and they are the ones helped you decide who and what you did and didn’t want to be. Whether we had a healthy and happy childhood, or we didn’t, our family or origin did have a primary influence on who we are today.

If you grew up in a fairly healthy family, you can probably make adjustments a little more easily within your own home now. Yes, you have to make accommodations and compromises with your spouse, and you may bicker from time to time over some of your differences. However, you generally are able to find a healthy way to function with your spouse.  For example, if you grew up with a strict mother who was adamant about cleanliness and your spouse is a more laid back about the order of the home, it may be a source of friction, but you can find a balance and learn to adapt to one another’s preferences.

Marriage differences can be a little tougher when you come from a family of divorces, affairs, drug or alcohol abuse, or other less favorable situations. These circumstances were not your choice nor were they your fault – but they impact you still as an adult. Please know, this impact may very well be that you want to be the opposite of what you saw growing up – so the impact on your marriage isn’t necessarily a negative one. 

What is important is that we are able to take an honest look at our families of origin and have an honest and vulnerable discussion with our mates about how our pasts influence the decisions within and the actions within our marriages. To help facilitate these necessary conversations, I’ve included some discussion starters below. 

Please keep in mind that your childhood experiences are not those of your mates and you cannot know exactly what it was they saw, felt, and experienced. Show grace, empathy, and understanding to your mate as they share and these conversations will go much more productively. Try to refrain from making your own judgements and assessments of your mate’s family of origin – again, you weren’t there and it may be a delicate topic. You’ll appreciate the same level of respect and understanding being shown to you and your family.

Discussion Questions on Family of Origin for You and Your Mate

You do not have to tackle all of these questions in one sitting. Some of them may be too lengthy to tackle all at once. Your answers to one another may spur on more conversation than things on this list. Avoid making this a “bash your family” session and remember to keep it productive. 

The goal of these conversations is to better understand what beliefs and preferences you carry into the marriage and those your mate carries in. And then – the most important part – decide what parts you and your mate both want to keep and what you want your own marriage to look like. Afterall, one day your own children will be sharing about you with their spouses when they reflect on their own families of origin too. 

• What are the aspects of your parent’s marriage that you like and hope to emulate?
• What aspects of their marriage of their marriage do you want to do differently?
• How did your family communicate with each other? Were they “yellers” or more reserved? How were the children expected to speak to the adults? I’ve known some people who grew up under the “children don’t speak unless spoken to” rule and others who always felt comfortable going to their parents with questions.
• How did they handle conflict or hardships? Did they cold shoulder one another when upset? 
• How were big decisions made? Did dad or mom make all the decisions? Were the kids involved in big family decisions?
• What role did faith or religion play in your family? Was it a priority? How often were you in church?
• What was your family’s financial situation and how was money handled? How did your parents view debt, credit cards, savings, and spending?
• Did your family spend quality time together? What did it look like? Did you vacation together? If so, which were more memorable and/or enjoyable?
• What kinds of traditions did your family have? What did birthdays and holidays look like? And which of these traditions do you want to continue with your own family?
• Is there anything about your spouse’s family that concerns you? What type of boundaries do you and your mate have with inlaws?

Knowing yourself better and knowing your mate better is a great step toward a healthy, well-functioning marriage. Understanding where you come from and how that impacted where you are now better equips you to choose and navigate towards where you want to go in the future. This isn’t always easy and these conversations may need an unbiased third party to help facilitate them. That’s where I can step in and serve as a guide toward helping you and your mate mend any past hurts and grow in a successful marriage – setting your kids up with a healthier family of origin too.

-Joel