A lot of mothers love the idea of staying home and raising their own kids, and some moms stay at home because it’s the most economical way to care for the children. Many feel God’s put it on their hearts to stay at home for their children.
Unfortunately, my wife has noticed several new moms in her Facebook groups have been lamenting they’re feeling lonely and isolated. Becoming a mom is a major transition in life we often don’t fully understand until we’re in the middle of what they call the “mom gap.”
The “mom gap” can mean the time between leaving the workforce and returning or simply the isolation from friends, also called the “friendless mom.” Many new moms find it hard to adjust to a repetitive routine and sparse (or nonexistent) adult company.
Many even reported longtime friends shunning them. New moms aren’t sure why this happens – maybe the friends are turned off because new moms have to deal with new smells, like a child spitting up, or new routines, which impact their ability to socialize for very long.
Friends may assume that the new mom will not be able to get a sitter, and therefore they don’t ask at all. Maybe friends don’t like all the new talk about kids or trying to conceive.
This adds up to a feeling of isolation for the new mom, especially if she lives far from her family.
Like any huge transition in life, no matter how joyful, new moms are getting unforeseen bumps and bruises on this ride. In ancient days, when we lived in tribes, there was probably a lot more cohesion and sharing involved in rearing children. How can a new mom mend from this jolt of friendlessness?
Here are eight ways you can get some face time with other adults, feel connected to a community, and/or prepare for returning to work.
8 Ways to Bridge the “Mom Gap”
#1. Join an existing mom’s group.
Searching online for an existing mom’s group is usually easier than creating your own, because you don’t have to do the heavy lifting of creating the group, reminding the members to attend, figuring out where the group will meet, etc.
A terrific network for Christian women is a group called MOPS, Mothers Of PreSchoolers. They meet once a week, and there are more than 4,000 groups across the USA.
Although it can require effort to bundle up the baby and toddler and whisk them off with you to meetings, over time the friendships, emotional support, and fun with other kids can really pay off.
#2. Create a local church-related mom’s group.
If you can ask for help at your church, you might be able to form your own group and tap into the existing mothers who are going through the same thing you are. Churches are very likely to start a chain of “each one, call one” if a prayer chain doesn’t already exist. You might even encourage the moms in your church to stay in Sunday School with the kids and caretakers one Sunday a month so that you can immerse yourself in some supportive spiritual time with your kids and other moms. Plan a surprise gift for the caretakers, or give them a day off to attend services.
#3. Start or join a meet-up group based on hobbies, movies, etc.
You can join a group that’s not necessarily based on being a mom. For example, if you do scrapbooking and want to connect with others based on that hobby, you can search social media or Google and find Meetup groups near you where people pursue that hobby. Even if you just go to two meetings a month and leave your kids at your mother’s house, it can provide a lot of relief and relaxation.
#4. Hang out online.
Try connecting online. Even if you can’t get out of the house, you can join an online mom’s forum, a Facebook group geared toward moms, or even Skype your friends for chatting while doing the laundry at home. If you’re supervising your kids in the yard, make a call on the speaker phone and cheer up a friend.
Some moms find the time to start online businesses. This can be very rewarding, and a sure way to meet people, but be very cautious and make sure the business is legitimate before investing any money.
#5. Start an advice column.
It’s very easy to start a blog these days. If you went to WordPress.com, Disqus, Blogger, or just search, “How do I start a blog?” you’ll find a way. Most are completely free if you don’t want to buy a domain name. If you like to do journaling, but find yourself feeling isolated, sharing with others can make you feel more connected. It will take a few weeks to start getting followers, but it doesn’t take more than a few minutes every day.
If you’re not ready to commit to starting your own, do a search for blogs that cover your interests. You might find one with mom tips, or just find a few bloggers who make you laugh or think grownup thoughts. (You can always feel free to check mine, by the way!)
#6. Walk daily.
This sounds simple, but take the kids on a walk every day. At some point, you might just realize that you start seeing the same people every day. Postal workers, people at the park, landscapers. Just start smiling and saying hi when you feel comfortable doing it. Sit at the park for a while every day if you can. You never know when some local moms might pop up for you to make friends with.
#7. Offer a favor, smile at the cashier.
One of the best ideas I ever heard for making yourself feel more fulfilled came from a friend of a friend. Next time you’re in a store, tuck a five-dollar bill in between boxes, sticking out just enough so it might catch someone’s eye. Include a note saying, “Hi! Whoever finds this, this is for you. No joke, I just wanted to do something nice for someone today.” This kind of thing weaves more fun into what can seem like an overwhelming day. Just imagining a stranger getting that pleasant surprise makes your whole day go better. It could be one dollar – it doesn’t matter. Or, just leave a card. It really doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you make sure they realize that if they find it, they were meant to find it.
To state the obvious, don’t leave your name or any contact info on the note.
#8. Build your resume.
Looking forward to going back to work after your “mom gap” can be quite frightening, even if you’d love to get back to the world of grownups. Most moms fear that a gap in their work history will count against them.
Instead, think of all the transferrable skills you developed while being a stay-at-home mom. You had to learn or improve negotiating, leadership, budgeting, coping with pressure, bracketing priorities, organizing, and planning. Start writing down how these skills can apply to your workplace.
And, if you did a fundraiser for your child’s school or wrote articles for the local paper, make sure and put those on your resume. Whether you got paid or not, you’ve demonstrated your skills and initiative.
Most of all, don’t be ashamed for making the decision to stay at home. Raising children and creating a harmonious family might be the most important thing you ever do in your life, even if you were the CEO of a big company. The qualities you instill in your kids will last for a lifetime, and they will carry your legacy forward.
You may not fit into the stereotypical roles of stay-at-home moms. You may love it, and you may not. You may be afraid to go back to work, or you may see it as a relief. There’s no wrong way to do this, so feel free to pick, choose, and customize any advice you get from me or anyone else.
No matter how much prep you did for this new shift in lifestyle, it may have been hard to predict how lonely you might feel after adding children to your life. While you’ve got a lot to juggle right now, remember to tend to your own mending.
You’ve transitioned and adjusted your lifestyle from being single to married, a big change in friends, conditions, and associations. It’s no wonder that going from married without kids to married with kids is even bigger. Your mending and self-care is vital to your success in making this change. Many moms make the mistake of being too brave and giving, and leave little for themselves.
If you have a condition that requires professional help, such as postpartum depression, rage, or thoughts of suicide, seek help right away. Your state of mind might fluctuate sharply from time to time. While some of that is normal, keep tabs on how you’re doing, and don’t be afraid to seek help.
-Joel Walton