Sadly, second marriages that create a blended family have the worst success rate among marriages.

Not only does research indicate it takes about five years for “blending” to happen, but most couples enter the arrangement with unrealistic expectations. (Yes, FIVE YEARS is a long time to be patient!)

Some researchers believe seven years may be more realistic in order to stabilize a blended family. This, however, often coincides with children getting older and moving out.

Here are some helpful tips to help make your blended family more successful (and much happier). Preferably, you’ll be putting these ideas into place before the big event!

Tips for Successfully Blending Families

Prepare and Have a Plan

How is this going to work, anyway? A lot of people might skip the planning and think that everything will just “work out.” For some families it does, but for most, there are some difficulties that go along with the package.

Your kids did not ask for a divorce and most likely did not ask for a new parent and/or siblings, so take the transition seriously and have lots of talks with your fiancé. Make a pledge NEVER to say anything negative about ex-spouses in front of the kids.

Find out what rules you both have. Do you let your kids sleep in bed with you, and is that okay with your mate-to-be? What are your rules about allowing your children to leave the house? Do you have a strict bedtime, or do you let them fall asleep in front of the TV? What is your morning routine, daily and weekend schedule, etc.? Talk about rewards, discipline, beliefs, values, and preferences. Will you ask your children (when the time comes) to play a role in your wedding ceremony? Do you plan to have more children together?

If the adults are on the same page, the transition will be smoother.

Letting the Kids Know

Once you’ve planned ahead, discuss with your fiancé how to break the news to the kids.

Ideally, each party talks to their own biological children first. Then consider meeting for a family party or outing where you’ll announce it as a family and then go out to celebrate. The follow-up fun will make it easier for kids to relax while processing the big changes they’re in for. Make sure you both reassure your own children that your feelings for them will never change, and let your stepchildren know you promise to love them, too.

Rules, Regulations, and Territory

If you and your new spouse are CLEAR and CONSISTENT and apply house rules evenly, running the house will be much easier for your kids and for you. If you’ve had to rearrange chores because of the new arrangement and your kids are unhappy, let them know it’s okay to voice their concerns but that they still need to do the chores. Remain understanding and upbeat. Let your kids know you realize it’s a big adjustment but that you are confident they’re very capable of working through the adjustments with you.

To make it easier for children to adapt to a new environment and routines, try playing teaching games and using reinforcement for faster learning. TagTeach International is a great source of ideas for this. And, if discipline is needed in a rare situation, follow your prearranged plan.

Don’t Put Your Spouse Above Kids and Don’t Put Your Kids Above Your Spouse

If you think putting sufficient care into a marriage is tough, wait until you’ve blended with a whole new family. The blend feels perfectly natural and comfortable for some people, but for others, it’s a challenge. However it feels, know that you will grow beyond what you thought possible and that you’ll love the results if you throw yourself into it. Your new spouse does not take priority over your kids — you’ll have to love them all. Let the kids know they should feel free to go to either of you for open, honest communication.

Expect Ups and Downs

It’s completely normal for children to need adjustment time before they really begin to feel like family. Depending on ages, temperament, experience, and conditions, some children may never really bond with their stepparents or stepsiblings. If you’re aware of this possibility, it will help you be patient and understanding instead of angry. Let your child(ren) know what you expect, and that they will treat the newcomers with courtesy, but that they don’t have to change their feelings about your ex, your new spouse, or their new brothers and sisters.

Love grows best when it’s not demanded or required. Let them know you still love them – that will never change – and that you want the new family to have as much fun and love as possible.

Be Ready for Emotional Problems

Your child(ren) will have mixed emotions and feelings they may not know how to process.  It’s likely they will experience anger due to loyalty to their other parent and confusion if they like the new parent. Young children can regress and teens may rebel. And there may be jealousies between the children. Children may feel left out if “family” things happen while they are with their other parent.

Further, it is likely one or both families moved as a result of blending. If so, grieving the loss of friends, their old neighborhood/school and their routine will be in order. And in the children’s eyes, the parents will probably be to blame, as well as the new family members. These are all reasonable responses.

Don’t be surprised if your ex becomes more difficult and starts acting out. Don’t be surprised if they become more demanding and less flexible.

Your new life may be full of challenges, but you have the potential to create something special. If you’re open to love more, demonstrate that love to each child as you do with your new spouse, and you’re willing to let go of fretting about your ex-mate, you can pave the way to many beautiful new relationships.

Remember all of this may seem like you are in uncharted territory, but help is available.  Seeking professional help early, often returns the greatest results.

As a member of a blended family I know the struggle can be real. But there are many things that can be done to reduce tensions, minimize the struggles and manage the stresses.

If you are in a blended family and finding that the “blending” is not as smooth as you had hoped it would be, I can help. Call (916) 587-1948  or contact me here for a no-cost consultation to discuss your situation.

-Joel Walton