It’s the call you never expected to get. You probably remember exactly where you were and what you were doing when the phone rang and you so casually answered, “Hello.” Maybe you hoped you misunderstood or maybe the clear message on the other end caused you to drop the phone or fall to the ground in shock or anguish. If you’ve been there, you know what I’m talking about – the sudden and unexpected death of a loved one.
Of course, all loss of life can be emotionally challenging and no loss is “easier” or “harder” than any other. We all experience grief and process it in different ways. But, the grief process that results from an unexpected death is unique from those circumstances when the family knows their time with a loved one is coming to an end –perhaps with an aging parent in hospice or a terminal cancer patient who finally loses their long battle. Again, all can be heartbreaking and all cause pain.
How is Sudden Loss Different?
When someone passes away suddenly, with no warning or chronic, terminal illness, we can experience grief in a very unique way.
Grief may be delayed. In sudden loss situations, the initial reaction may be shock or disbelief. Grief can take a backseat to overwhelming confusion as loved ones grapple with the question of, “how?” Individuals may seem numb to outsiders as they possibly struggle to accept the news that was so unexpected.  Sadness may be further prolonged as disbelief makes way for anger or rage. Because of the nature of many sudden deaths, the loved ones left behind may be consumed with placing blame on someone or something for ripping away a valued life.
There was no chance for goodbye. When someone dies suddenly, you are not allowed the last goodbye. You can’t hug them one more time, kiss them one more time, or tell them how much they have meant to you. There may be guilt over how you last left one another and now there’s no opportunity or final words to rectify the situation.
You may blame yourself. In an effort to fill in the blanks or piece together what happened while asking all of the “why” questions, you may blame yourself for circumstances surrounding the death. Should I have done more? Why did I let him drive out to so late? Could I have done something to prevent this? These guilt feelings are an effort to place blame and try to reclaim any feelings of power or control that has been ripped from you when the loved one died. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that you couldn’t do anything to change the outcome.
How do Cope with Sudden Loss?
There’s no magical formula or checklist for healing. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was? However, there are things you can do to help emotionally and mentally process the loss you have experienced, so that you can eventually move toward a place of healing.
Grief counselor, William Worden, developed what he called the “Four Tasks of Mourning” for those who are experiencing loss. These tasks are four basic (but most definitely not easy) things he says one must complete before completing the grief process. These tasks are not linear, so there is no specific order to take. However, a natural progression is common as some tasks presuppose others. And there is no timeline. Each grief journey and each loss is unique, and so is each healing process. Revisit steps as needed, repeat time and time again, as often as needed, until you reach your place of healing.
These four tasks create the acronym T.E.A.R., something grief can so appropriately be associated with.
To Accept the Reality of the Loss (Task 1): How do you know you’ve accepted the loss? For some, it is going through the motions of the funeral and service and the handling of any will, estate, or possessions. For many it goes beyond that. It may be finally referring to the lost person in the past tense or accepting the impact the loss has on you. “She was a great mom who always took care of me.” “He was my best friend and I will miss him.”  Acceptance of the loss includes accepting the manner in which the death occurred. Since tragic circumstances such as suicide, overdose, or other stigmatized mechanisms of death often surround sudden losses, these present their own set of challenges in acceptance.
Experience the Pain of the Loss (Task 2): This may seem broad, but that’s intentional. There can be a long list of emotions to experience and work through after loss, and Worden doesn’t hold anyone to a subset of those or a particular order.  From sadness to fear, loneliness to hopelessness, and anger to guilt, there are countless emotions a griever may contend with. The danger is to avoid these emotions or pretend you are not feeling them – especially if those feelings make others uncomfortable. In this task, it is important to acknowledge, discuss, understand, and work through each complex emotion associated with pain.
Adjust to the New Environment Without the Lost Person (Task 3): This task can look quite different based on the relationship and your role in the life of the deceased person. This includes external and internal adjustments such as a widow learning new skills like bill paying or single parenting. It may be learning to live alone or redefining the self without the lost person. This adjustment period may also include spiritual adjustments as you wrestle with your belief system and the belief system of the lost person. These adjustments happen over an extended period of time as some changes happen initially and some may not present themselves until later.
Reinvest in the New Reality (Task 4): Worden actually reworded this last task several times before changing it to “find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life.” The focus of this task is to allow for thoughts and memories of the deceased while beginning to actually engage in the things of life that bring pleasure, to experience new things, and to build new relationships. To not accomplish this task would be to not live. Working through this task would be to acknowledge that life didn’t stop when the person died (though it may have felt like it at the time), and life can and will resume for you in a meaningful way, with a different connection to the lost person. Understandable, this task can often be the most difficult to accomplish.
And of course, a task I always recommend for those wrestling with any grief – sudden or not– would be to talk with an experienced counselor. We’ve been there and we’re trained to help to walk through the valleys you never thought you’d have to – judgement free and with no pressure of timelines. Contact me today to start your journey toward healing.
-Joel D. Walton