“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” These lyrics by Andy Williams belong to one of the most famous holiday songs and will surely be blaring in a department store near you soon (if not already). Sadly, for many, these words will sting for the first time this year. For these people, a feeling that’s hard to escape – grief – will dull the joy and magic of the holidays.
That’s because many will face an empty seat at this year’s holiday feast. One less stocking will be hung. The house will be quieter. Why? Because they’ve experienced a significant loss sometime in the course of 2018. Whether it is by death or divorce or some other unfortunate circumstance, there are people – and maybe that person is you – whose holiday will seem a lot less merry and bright.
4 Tips to Cope with Grief This Holiday Season
Nothing will remove the pain and grief you are experiencing, but here are some ways to make it through this holiday season if you are struggling with grief.
- Allow yourself to grieve.
Don’t expect yourself to hold it together this season. You need to allow things to be broken, at least for this first year. It’s an unrealistic and an unfair expectation to put on yourself to pretend for others that things are fine when they’re not. You’ve lost someone and it hurts. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and give yourself an extra helping of grace.
You CAN choose to recognize this holiday for what it is – the first of many without the lost loved one or the ex-spouse. Accept it’s going to be different and that you will likely experience a wide array of feelings. The main goal is to get yourself and your family through the season. If this is your first year, you may want to go to a different location and get away from your current environment. You’re not running, you’re surviving by reducing the amount of emotions you need to process. Your holidays will never be the same, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be good again in time.
- Decide what’s right for you.
There will be no shortage of recommendations regarding what you should do. You will probably be a little surprised at what people do and don’t say to you. You may get some great offers from people who want to love on you and your family. You may also find that some will say or do inappropriate things in their attempt to try and comfort you.
I have one client who lost her husband just before the holidays and a friend told her (in her failed attempt to cheer her up), “Look at the bright side, at least that’s one less Christmas gift you need to worry about this year!” Wow, could you get any more incentive? In addition, I have had others say that some made them feel almost as if they were a leper and went out of their way to avoid them, which only made them feel worse.
- Take care of you.
Don’t neglect yourself. Grief is hard, but necessary, after loss. Find ways to self-care without resorting to harmful behaviors like alcohol abuse. Go for a jog – exercise is a natural antidepressant. Give yourself a creative outlet by writing in a journal or starting a blog. Go buy yourself something special (within financial reason).
Examine your typical holiday responsibilities and evaluate your willingness to carry the same load. Consider taking someone up on their offer to cook, clean, or host. Take advantage of Internet shopping to avoid the chaos of shopping centers (and to free up some relaxation time). Avoid any added stressors or pressures – you have enough on your plate as you work through your grief.
- Think about starting some new traditions.
As I stated earlier, if this is your first holiday, you just need to get through it anyway you can. Depending on if you have kids and how old they are, you’ll probably feel the need to do something. You may want to think about scaling it back by not breaking out the traditional decorations. In fact, it’s okay to just skip it all together if don’t have it in you to deal with all the emotions. I had family who lost their mom in a vehicle accident a few weeks before Christmas. They decided to volunteer in a homeless shelter that Christmas in order to avoid dealing with the holidays. They then followed up Christmas a week later and exchanged gifts in the New Year.
If this is your second or third year, don’t feel you need to force yourself to follow old traditions. You’re learning to live your new “normal,” so let that include a few new traditions. Talk with your family about any new holiday arrangements they may like to start and incorporate them in making new traditions at your home.
Here are just a few suggestions that I have seen people do:
- Light a candle for the loved one you’ve lost.
- Visit the cemetery to decorate the gravesite for the holidays.
- Have family write letters and tie them to balloons and sent them aloft.
- Do or eat something they would have enjoyed, especially if you don’t like it.
- Listen to or watch their favorite Christmas CD or movie.
Loss and grief are difficult waters to navigate alone. If you haven’t done so already, find a group to connect to. Christian programs like GriefShare or DivorceCare and other support groups can help connect you to others who are experiencing much of what you are. If you need some addition help during this time, contact me and let’s help move you through the holidays and toward healing and mending.
-Joel D. Walton
Closing Thoughts…
If you are a friend or family member who is trying to support a loved one during this time, you don’t have to have all of the answers or even try to make them feel better. The most comfort you can give them is to just sit there with them and hold them. They aren’t broken. They are processing a significant loss that will take time, so just be there for them and give them a shoulder to cry on – absent of judgment or advise.