Muhammad Ali couldn’t deliver a right hook quite like the gut-punch you just received. Whether you suspected it or were completely in the dark about it, finding out your spouse has had an affair is a devastating blow.
While I don’t have a crystal ball to say exactly what your marital future holds, I do see a common pattern of feelings/thoughts/phases when working with couples post affair-disclosure. My goal in this article is to empower you with the hope and knowledge that yes, what you’re experiencing is likely normal. Knowing what is going on and what is still to come can give you a firmer grip on your sanity and a better hope for the future.
When You Find Out Your Spouse Has Had an Affair
When you’re world has turned upside down and the safety net that is your marriage is shredded to pieces, I know it is hard to see past the moment you are in. But, after working with countless couples in your shoes, I’m breaking down post-affair marriage into three stages. A lot goes on within each stage, and you cannot place a timeline on yourself. Don’t rush the healing process.
Stage 1: Shock & Grief
There are about as many emotions following this type of disclosure as there are colors in a Crayola box. An immediate shock of such events as an affair may leave you feeling numb or hopeless or confused. Such feelings may morph back and forth from anger to jealousy to depression to anxiety and every other feeling of grief.
Embrace each emotion. Don’t shove it down or try to mask it as if you’re fine. Give yourself a great deal of grace as you cope with things like fits of rage or extreme paranoia. What you’ve experienced is not something to take lightly and no on should expect you to feel anything in particular.
Stage 2: Seeking Insight
As the roller coaster ride of emotions begins to stop doing as many loops, you’ll move into a phase of questioning. How could he do this to me? Why would she risk our family? You may seek to force out every single detail of the affair from your mate. While you are entitled to honesty from your mate, I do caution against asking for too much description. Such depictions can haunt and torture your imagination for years.
Part of your questioning and this seeking insight stage should eventually be asking yourself and your mate questions about your marriage prior to the affair and perhaps – don’t hate me for the next statement – your role in the affair. While there is zero excuse for an affair, there isoften some path or hint that explains how it reached this point. Let me repeat myself to be clear. You did not cause the affair and your mate needs to take responsibility for his/her decisions and actions. But, in a marriage, each mate needs to own his or her part of the affair.
The further removed from the shock and grief stage, and the more you’re receiving wise guidance from a third party such as a trained counselor, you’ll start to examine negative patterns or red flags prior to the affair. Was I meeting his/her physical needs or witholding sex? Was she/he silenting suffering as I ignored her for work? Preacher and writer Andy Stanley tells couples that even if your part is only 5% of the problem, own your 5%. Then work on your 5%.
Affairs don’t typically happen in a vacuum or overnight. It’s healthy and productive to your healing to pinpoint areas of weakness in your marriage that preceded the affair. These are the areas you will work on and strengthen so that your marriage will be stronger than ever after the affair. I know it sounds strange right now, but for the couples who end the affair and recommit to the marriage and the healing process, I often hear a few years later that their marriage is stronger than ever.
Stage 3: Moving Forward
Whew! By this stage, you’ve put in a lot of tears, sleepless nights, counseling hours, hopefully countless prayers, and hard work with your mate. You’ve moved to a place where life is regaining some form of normality. The occasional need to check his phone or her email may still happen, and that’s okay. Your mate should be willing to do whatever is needed to regain your trust – disclosing all passwords, calling to let you know where they are if they’re running late and why, etc. The more the unfaithful mate makes an effort to answer your questions and prove himself/herself honest again, the trust will rebuild.
One day you’ll find yourself finally making plans for the future. You’ll start to picture your future with your spouse again and you’ll take steps to ensure this type of thing does not happen again. You’ll make personal changes and grow as a result of your healing journey. Some days you may have to make the choice to move on all over again – do it day by day if needed. Be honest with your mate when you’re feeling insecure or alarmed by someone of the opposite sex in regards to your marriage. This openness and proactive safeguarding of your marriage will bond you and your spouse, helping you continue to heal and move forward together.
Added Notes for If You Decide to Stay Together
Studies show it takes about two years for a couple to recover from an affair after disclosure. Though you may forgive your mate, it doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten. You may struggle with the burden of your imagination for a very long time. Take captive every thought. Control your mind or it will control you.
You will have many friends or family members who won’t understand why you decided to stay together. Be careful who you choose to confide in and be cautious of where you get advice. It’s easy for our friends or family to want to take sides and they may even tell you to “kick that person to the curb.” Surround yourselves with same-sex friends who will pray for you and support the healing of your marriage.
Added Notes for If You Decide to Split
It is still important to work through the emotional mess this affair has brought on. Unresolved issues can haunt you and hinder you in future relationships. So even if you choose to divorce, it is still beneficial to seek counseling.
Don’t drag you mate’s name through the mud, especially if you have children. Though a divorce means he/she won’t be your husband/wife anymore, the parental title will still be there. Your children will still call him “dad” or still call her “mom.” Decide what is healthy to honestly tell your children (based on your child’s age and understanding), but refrain from painting a detailed, monstrous picture for them of their mom or dad. It will confuse their emotions and leave them feeling torn between you two in the divorce.
Affairs are tough and messy. Recovering from one is also. Having a neutral and highly trained third party to come alongside you is helpful in deciphering the many heated emotions and underlying issues surrounding and resulting from an affair. Reach out today and let’s start your healing journey. Also, consider ordering a copy of the book Torn Asunder (link review https://www.mendedlife.com/torn-asunder/) to help you in the process. The future of your marriage is worth the work.
-Joel D. Walton