Have you heard of the phrase ‘lawnmower’ parenting? It refers to parents who ‘mow’ problems out of the way for their children – clearing an easy path with no obstaces. Another popular phrase right now is ‘teacup’ child. It refers to someone who is so fragile, they break and shatter like a delicate teacup. Lawnmower parenting results in teacup children and later, teacup adults who do not know how to perservere or overcome adversity. What’s the solution? Grit!
No, I’m not referring to that southern dish of ground cornmeal. I’m talking about grit – hardiness, determination, resolve. Grit is the passion and perseverance for achieving one’s long term goals and is being researched by many in the psychology field today to be one of the key factors in overall success. As parents, we want our kids to be many things – and being successful and happy are usually on that list if we’re being honest. Grit is not inherent in everyone. But, unlike IQ (which is relatively fixed), grit can be developed. So, how do we help our kids to develop that grit – that drive to persevere?
4 Key Components to Helping Kids Develop Grit
Parenting means teaching our children a great number of skills. From learning to walk, to tying their shoes, to how to choose between right and wrong. Here are tips for teaching your child to persevere – to be “gritty.”
- Help Them Find Their Passion.
Each person is unique in their skillset, personality, strengths, and weaknesses. We have differing interests and different things that motivate us. Your children may not know what their interests and passions are, so you can help them find them. When your children realize their passions, they will have something to strive for – something to show grit over.
You can help your kids find their passions by encouraging them to pursue various activities. Without overdoing it, enroll them in extra-curricular activities – sports, clubs, camps, etc that expose them to things outside of what you do at home. Let them experience something out of their comfort zone that requires practice and discipline. Let them speak with or interview different people in varying careers and hobbies. You never know which one might spark an interest.
Ask them what they enjoy and really listen to the answers. If their passions differ from yours then that is perfectly fine! Encourage them anyway. It’s best to let your children pick their passions rather than you picking for them. If it’s something they choose, they are more likely to connect to it and pursue it.
- Let Them Struggle (and Maybe Even Fail)
That’s right. I said let them fail. Failure is not always a bad thing. In fact, it’s an excellent teaching tool. When we fail, we learn what NOT to do next time. We learn what obstacles look like and feel like and how to avoid or overcome them.
Let them get frustrated without you jumping in to save them. Not only will they learn healthier ways to process their emotions and frustrated feelings, but they’ll also become better problem solvers – a skill that gritty people possess. Furthermore, overcoming a difficult challenge will give your children the confidence to tackle problems in the future. So let them feel discomfort and let them look for ways to bounce back.
However, you don’t have to send your child into a struggle blindly. Talk with them about ways to recognize obstacles. Ask questions about what struggles they may possibly face in situations and what kind of options they have for avoiding or overcoming them. Share about your own struggles you’ve faced, the options you had, and ask them what they would have done in that situation. Then share with them how you chose to persevere. It’s better to have a game plan ahead of time than have to make decisions in the moment.
- Celebrate Their Efforts Rather than Just Accomplishments
This one may take some work. It’s natural to want to celebrate accomplishments. They are usually accompanied by awards, medals, certificates, or some kind of achievement markers. It’s great to celebrate the meeting of a goal, but only celebrating the completion can teach your child that perfection is the only thing to be valued. Remember, the goal is to teach them grit and perseverance to meet any goal.
Instead (or in addition to), praise your children for their efforts along the way. Each step of improvement is a victory in itself. No one meets their goals overnight, but we can cheer the day to day or week to week wise choices that lead toward that goal. So if your children are trying to raise their C’s to A’s, then celebrate the raise from a C to a B also – it’s growth.
Teach your child the power of the word “yet” by using it with them. Phrases like “You haven’t met that goal ‘yet’” or “You’re not there ‘yet’” imply that they will get there one day. It encourages a growth mindset that says we haven’t conquered or learned or mastered that “yet,” but we are not stuck here and we will get there if we keep working hard.
- Give Them Gritty Role Models
If you’ve parented for any amount of time, you know that children do what you do, not what you say. So don’t just talk the talk, but walk the walk also.
Help your child research famous people who faced challenges they had to overcome. If they love sports, help them learn about an athlete like basketball superstar Michael Jordan who failed and had to bounce back. If they like history, show them the failed elections of Abraham Lincoln before he ever became a history making president. Seeing that many successful people had to show grit and push through challenges will show your child that it can be done and give them someone to look up to.
Let them talk to someone they know and admire or look up to who has shown grit. Maybe it’s a grandparent who fought in a war or immigrant relative who built their own business from the ground up. Encourage conversations with adults your children share interests with like a coach or teacher who had to overcome challenges.
However, your child’s greatest model for grit could be you – the parent. Let your kids see your passions and the way you strive after them. Show them the time, practice, and determination you show as you pursue your own goals. Model discipline for them so they see exactly what they can be doing too. Be open about the hardships that stand in the way of you accomplishing your goals and let them watch you gain confidence by persevering. Let them celebrate your own growth with you.
Grit takes work, but it also motivates us and drives us to do the hard work. Are you gritty? Are you teaching your children grit? If you or your child are stuck in a problem you or your child cannot seem to overcome, part of your “grittiness” to continue forward may be seeking help from an outside party. That’s where I come in. I’m here to help you press onward and persevere toward your goals – shaking off any hurts or obstacles that hinder your confidence.
-Joel D. Walton
Here’s a great video on the topic of building Grit in our kids.