Recently, a wife posted on Facebook a picture of a new floral dress her husband had bought her. Her love language is gifts and this gesture really resonated with her. In the comments section, some people were happy for her and affirmed the husband’s kindness – telling her “he’s a keeper.” But what caught my attention and were the ones who commented with shock in how the woman’s husband would try such a thing. “I can’t believe he tried buying you clothes.” The sad part was multiple men commented to say how they’d never try buying their mate clothing for fear of being wrong in her size.
Fear. It’s an interesting word when you look at it in the context of a relationship, and I’d venture to say it’s the number one contributor to relational problems. Our fear of being rejected can cause something as beautiful as gifting a dress to our wife to go so wrong, so fast – or at least the fear of it can paralyze us. Fear often keeps people from doing the things they should do and it causes us to do the things we shouldn’t. Relationships thrive on mutual love and respect (for more on this, check out Emmerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect), but often times we can short circuit both sides of that cycle when we are driven by fear. Fear drives away vulnerability. It builds walls and stifles intimacy. Our marriages are the one earthly relationship we should be safe enough to be that vulnerable in, but so many times we never are.
My heart is to help you find that level of intimacy in your marriage. It’s on of the two biggest issues I deal with in my office. Think of intimacy as “In-To-Me-See” and know it’s what your marriage was designed for. Here are a few things you can due to actively reduce the amount of fear within your relationship for both you and your partner and to replace it with an intimate vulnerability.
8 Ways to Reduce Fear In Your Relationship
- Work to improve communication.
It’s no surprise to anyone that communication is key in a marriage, but I don’t just mean utilitarian talk like, “We need to get more dog food next time we’re at the story,” or, “What time is the kid’s game this weekend?” Rather, I mean the kind where you two talk about what you’re thinking and feeling when it comes to yourselves and your relationship. Too many couples fail to emotionally connect through conversation. Did you know most couples spend less than 5 minutes a week attuning to one another at any real level? We are living in a world where texting replaces voice calls or face-to-face conversation, and sadly many couples are now predominantly texting one another and failing to really connect and witness each other’s thoughts, feeling, and fears about themselves and the relationship. To better communicate, better connect, and be more vulnerable, we need to see the look in his eyes when he’s talking about his passions. We need to hear the crack in her voice when she’s telling you what’s going on with her. We need to feel one another’s embrace when we talk about the troubles and joys of life.
- Realize it’s not always about you!
How many times do we overreact or become defensive when someone is upset? And how many times do we later find out that the frustration was never about us to begin with? Just because somebody is struggling or having a bad day, it doesn’t mean you’re the problem. Far too often we are too hypersensitive and scan our environment, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. When we fear someone is judging us, we will do one of two things: a) we’ll internalize it and start to feel bad about ourselves, or b) we’ll justify and start to blame the other person for making us think or feel the way we do. Create a safe space for your mate to share what’s going on rather than assuming it is anything to do with you. It will subside any false fears you have as well bring comfort to any your upset mate is having.
- Stay curious.
Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. You weren’t gifted telepathy. We are all very practiced in guessing (emphasis on guessing) what’s going on to the point of finding ways to confirm our worst suspicions. We conjure up false stories based on assumptions and these assumptions are often driven by our fears. Instead of acting like we have a crystal ball, be curious about what’s going on with your mate. By staying curious, we’ll ask questions and look for “solid” proof rather than just assuming we’re right with our fears. Confirm your mate’s thoughts and feelings by intentionally asking yourself this question: “How do I know this is true, rather than just assuming it’s true?” And again, showing interest in our mate and asking questions builds communication and intimacy (weapons to use against fear).
- Own your fear.
One of the best ways to reduce your relational fear is by owning the areas that bother you. We all have weaknesses and areas that we struggle in, so let’s stop pretending we’re perfect and take ownership of those weaknesses. If you struggle with your own body image, own it and be willing to accept it’s an issue for you. Recognize ways you project this onto others. That way when your fears are triggered you’ll be better able to calm yourself by realizing how you may be overreacting. Then you won’t become triggered and start spiraling down emotionally. Going back to communication and vulnerability, a deeper intimacy is created in your marriage when you share your fears and weaknesses with your mate. It enables them to understand where you’re coming from and to help strengthen you.
- Stop giving away your personal power.
Another issue with fear is it causes us to be victims and to get hurt way too easily. No one should tolerate bad behavior, but just because someone doesn’t like things you do or think the way you do doesn’t mean you are any less of a person for having a different opinion or seeing things in a different light. We all see the world differently, and some of the strongest relationships are those in which people are allowed to be different. Don’t be afraid to be different from your mate and don’t be afraid if they think and feel differently than you. Honestly, how many of us want to be in a relationship with someone exactly like us? That relationship would be dull and unfulfilling. We already have ourselves, why would we need a duplicate version of ourselves? Use these differences to broaden your views and embrace your uniqueness both as an individual and as a couple.
- See the other person’s view before insisting they see yours.
Too often we see the world with our limited filter of understanding. It’s important to see other people’s views and understand why they have them before demanding they see yours. Probably the biggest issue with troubled couples is they stop seeing the others person’s view and discount them before ever hearing them. It doesn’t cost you anything to understand someone and by understanding them, despite what you’ve been told, it doesn’t mean you agree with them! You can totally understand someone without ever agreeing with them, and the minimum threshold for understanding is to say, “I understand you,” and wait for when the person feels understood. We need not fear losing our personal views just seeking to understand another’s.
- The issue is never the issue.
This is a biggie. I often tell the story of a couple I once saw who complained about a fork that got left in the sink. “If they loved me, they’d not do that!!” Really, the fork is the problem? No, it’s really what the fork represents and if that underlying issue was resolved then they wouldn’t care how many folks were in the sink. The fork is only the symbol of their real problems. Couples need to examine and understand what’s below the surface, because even if the fork issue is resolved, you’ll just find another thing that represents the emotion or need you’re trying to satisfy. When we get to the core of the problem, we won’t need to fear an argument over something as silly as an inanimate fork.
- Place the relationship above either of your personal needs.
Anyone who’s been in my office can’t help but notice all the boats I have in the office. I often tell couples a relationship is really two people in a boat. It doesn’t matter how the water got in the boat – whether it’s a wave or someone drilling holes in the boat – if enough water gets in, it will sink and you’ll both be treading water. And you can only tread water for so long! If you don’t put the relationship first, you’re going to have issues. Sometimes you need to do things, as well as not do or say others, for the sake or the relationship. Too many couples tear each other down the moment they go into primal panic. Troubles happen, fear kicks in, and they start piling up firewood and set fire to their relational boat to protect their own survival. Successful couples work together – in spite of their fears – to ensure the survival of the relationships.
Too many couples fear conflict and never learn how to deal with it, but that conflict is really the fuel that builds and eventually strengthens our relationships. Rather than using it as a weapon, see it as a tool to build your relationship. We must learn to manage our fears in order to resolve conflict and have a strong relationship. If you’re not communicating effectively, living in emotional fear/discomfort, you should seek help from a qualified marriage counselor who can help you learn to work past and through your fear to find deeper intimacy and connection. Life’s too short to miss finding it!
-Joel D. Walton