Family relationships are an interesting dynamic. You share a biological bond and history, but you also have a maintained connection. The role of secrets can sometimes help tighten that bond, while other times, family secrets can lead to shame and anxiety.
An example of a relatively harmless family secret may be when a daughter shares with her mother about her secret crush at school. Or how a dad and son may share an inside joke from their camping weekend. Or when siblings have their own “secret” made-up language. Even perhaps sharing Grandma’s secret recipe with only close family. Other innocent secrets may be something like parents keeping a birthday or holiday surprise a secret from their kids. These types of joyful family secrets add to your traditions and your happy memories. They create an internal culture and feelings of closeness and being “special.”
But, there are other types of family secrets that lead to trust issues, hurt, and maybe even destruction. The lasting effects of these secrets weigh on families and individuals for generations. Some family secrets are more taboo topics and threaten the foundation of the family – criminal acts, sexual preferences, affairs, and more. Families often keep these type of “scandalous” secrets to protect families and individuals from judgement, embarrassment, and punishment. These are the types of secrets that lend themselves to shame, anxiety, and depression.
Types of Family Secrets
Family secrets can involve one individual, a subgroup of the family, or the entire family.
Whole Family Secrets
Whole family secrets are those known throughout the family, but secret from those outside of it. They usually center around taboo topics like jail time, physical or sexual abuse within the family, alcohol or drug abuse, etc. These secrets create a divide between the family and others. They deter family members from building relationships with those outside of the family for fear of letting their guard down and letting the secret out.
While these secrets may give a sense of unity or closeness within the family, it’s one built on fear and shame rather than joy and love.
Individual Secrets
Individual secrets are those held by one single member of the family. They hide this secret from their family members for fear of punishment and consequences but also for fear of hurting someone else in the family with the secret. Examples of this may be a spouse who is hiding an extramarital affair or a teenager hiding a secret relationship. These secrets are usually based in a rule violation and they create immense anxiety and guilt for the individuals keeping them.
Other family members may notice odd behavior in that individual as they seek to keep something hidden – though they may not be able to pinpoint exactly what it is yet.
Subgroup Family Secrets
This occurs when two or more individuals in the family share a secret from other members of the family. A particularly unhealthy example of this would be a parent sharing a secret with their child that is to be kept from their spouse. Such intergenerational secrets place a burden on the child in regards to loyalty. Do they keep the parent’s secret from the unknowing parent or betray them and tell? Either way, they feel they are betraying one of their parents and this is a position no child should be in (no matter their age).
Dividing lines form and subgroups become those “in the know” and those “not in the know.” Subgroup secrets hinder the relationships between those who are in the know and those who are not – whether they intend to or not.
Why Have Secrets?
There may have been times when people felt that secrecy was the only option or that maybe they’ve carried the secret for so long that they don’t know what to do with it anymore. When we feel shame, we bury things to try to protect ourselves, others, and the lives we live. Unfortunately, this lying and burying snowballs into more shame.
Our American culture has certainly changed in regards to the power of shaming. There was a day in time (not too long ago) when things just “could not” be discussed – affairs, pregnancy, abortions, sexual abuse, and sexual oriention. Particularly, people of faith often feed into the need to be seen as perfect and these aforementioned things have to be hushed.
Shame drives skeletons into our closets. But as the stigma of these things is wearing off in our culture, I want to offer a few tips to help those who wish to come out of secrecy do so in a loving and caring way.
Letting the Skeletons Out
The aftermath of disclosing a family secret is going to depend on the strength of the relationship before the disclosure and the type of secret being shared.
- Consider your motives. Why have you decided to share the secret? Are you seeking to ease your burden or genuinely believe someone deserves to know? Were you abused and are seeking help and healing – or maybe for someone else? Can healing come – for you or another – by disclosing the secret?
- It doesn’t have to be public. Bringing a secret into the light doesn’t mean you have to scream it from the mountain tops or share it on social media. It may be a secret to reveal to only affected parties. Do not to confuse disclosure with gossip if it’s someone else’s secret.
- Select the right audience for disclosing your individual secrets. You’ll want a trusted friend, mentor, or pastor to share with – someone who will practice confidentiality where necessary and has the maturity to listen and understand. You may even find a support group to connect with filled with people who have experienced the same thing(s) as you.
- Speak it out loud. Secrets lose their power when brought into the light. Be specific. Say it over and over again until the power of truth outweighs the power of secrecy and shame.
- Confront it. One of the healthiest and more direct paths to healing is being able to face who has hurt you or hurt others in your family. If they have passed, write a letter to them or make a video of what you would say if you could confront them. Confronting those who hurt you shifts you from victim to regaining some personal power.
- Consider a third party. If you’re unsure whether or not you should disclose a family secret or how to do so, a third party such as a trained and licensed family counselor can be a great resource for decision-making. A counselor will listen to what you share and help you discover the fuel behind why you kept the secret to begin with. They’ll also help you cope with the aftermath of the disclosure.
When you’re ready to break the chains of shame and secrecy, I’m here. I want to walk alongside you on a journey toward mending. Freedom and peace are waiting. No need to let family secrets hold you back in your life or relationships any more.
– Joel