Facebook has done a great job of helping people stay in touch over long times and distances, and that’s terrific! I have a list of old navy buddies I’ve been able to keep in touch with as wall as distance relatives – So it’s nice to be about to see how people are doing that we would normally not be in contact with, however…

There’s a downside to all this “togetherness.” Relationships can be eroded or even destroyed because of silly behavior leading to mistrust, hiding, or phoniness, hence the name “Fakebook.”

Not everything you read on Facebook is true (or wise). 25% of couples have at least one Facebook-related fight per week!

It’s almost like there’s an “A” reel and a “B” reel. There’s the face we put out to the public, and then there’s the reality.

If you only post the highlights of your life and hide the rest, what happens to the normal stuff? If we’re all pretending to be happy all the time, how does a person feel when they’re not happy? Inferior? Insecure? Angry?

And, if you choose to air the anger about your relationship and neglect the good times, how can you maintain a relationship? No wonder we have an epidemic of arguments when it comes to social media.

Here are 10 principles to help keep you from falling into the “Fakebook” trap.

#1. Have a proactive “real life.”

According to Time Magazine, Americans in the 25-34 age bracket look at their devices 50 times per day. While we love our devices, clearly, a relationship needs real human contact to grow and stay healthy.

The power of touch, inclusivity, and verbal communication are like the water that keeps a plant alive. A good relationship is based on treating each other well.

Make some in-person time to share some mutually nourishing moments together. Making dates, planning projects, and going on vacations together can be a Godsend to your relationship, and it doesn’t have to be hard.

#2. Keep some info private.

Facebook is a very public forum, while intimate relationships are private. The sanctity of trust is precious when it comes to maintaining them.

There are two ways I see people abusing relationship posts.

Some people flood “Fakebook” with praise about their mates, trying to impress onlookers. In private, they’re like everyone else. They just put up a phony front, which kills intimacy.

Posting your private fights is just as damaging. Instead, be discreet and focus on building authentically good communication habits.

#3. Be considerate of your mate.

We want happy relationships, not caustic ones. Therefore, if you wouldn’t insult your mate about something face-to-face, don’t do it online.

You might feel that you need to blow off steam about something. That’s fair, but anything on “Fakebook” is permanent and can be shared, even after deleting and even a private message.

Instead, learn to be honest, gentle, and tactful with your mate face to face.

And, try finding another way to let off steam if that’s what you need to do. Confide in a friend, talk to your therapist, take up a sport, or find a hobby that relaxes you or takes your mind off things.

#4. Have reasonable boundaries.

Some people share their passwords with each other in what seems to be a nice gesture of transparency. While that might be good in case of a medical emergency, if you or your mate feel a strong need to examine each other’s texts, private messages, or phone messages, you have problems other than social media.

Talk about what you both do on social media until you reach an understanding of desirable social media behavior. Create guidelines that you’re both comfortable with.

#5. Don’t flirt, and leave your ex in the past.

Because Facebook allows us to find old friends from days gone by, we can be tempted to seek out ex-mates, past loves, or new and exciting “friends” who offer more intrigue than our “same old” mate. Going behind each other’s back with private messaging isn’t cool, either.

Always reverse the tables and ask yourself how you would feel. But, don’t leave it there. Develop a philosophy together about this kind of communication. It might be that your mate has no problem with certain people, but objects very much to others. Even if it seems irrational, honor your mate’s wishes and ask that your mate honor yours. You’re trying to build and grow your relationship, even if you’ve been together 50 years.

#6. Be honest about your relationship status.

People find a lot of ways to turn Facebook into “Fakebook.” One of the silliest is when you’re in a relationship but set your profile to “single.”

There are times when I can understand leaving your status as “married” or “it’s complicated” because you’re not ready for the next relationship. However, trying to act as if you’re single when you’ve made a commitment is most likely going to lead to trouble.

#7. Proofread before posting.

At least 70% of communication is body language. Unlike speaking in person or even on the phone, social media posts don’t reveal the vibe you intended.

I’ve seen people get into unnecessary fights when it was plain to everyone except the two warring parties that neither one of them initially meant any harm to the other.

Re-read your words before you post. If you’re afraid that your words can be misread, reword them, add emojis, or don’t post until you can think of a clear way to say what you want to say. Also, avoid petty gossip, name-calling, and other openers for a fight.

#8. Count to 10.

Do you tend to be suspicious? There are a lot of reasons you might be quick to judge based on your past. If you find that you’re jealous in one relationship after another, you might be dealing with issues that pre-date your current relationship.

Most people find that if you just put more thought into your mate’s positive aspects, you relax, and communication gets easier. Accusations put your mate on the defensive.

Whether your suspicions are true or not, if you’re being honest and vulnerable with your mate, chances are they will return the favor and be honest with you. If the problem persists, don’t be afraid to take logical action and seek professional help if necessary.

#9. Choose open and plain communication.

I’ve seen people post a hint on Facebook, expecting their partner to act on it, and then feel disappointed because nothing happened.

Direct communication is more effective than oblique hints. For starters, you can’t expect your mate to read every one of your Facebook posts, and for seconds, you can’t expect your mate to infer some special, hidden meaning.

Try building a “sharing time” into your relationships, whether in the form of a family meeting or a time specifically set aside for broaching sensitive subjects in a low-distraction environment.

#10. Keep it G-rated.

For goodness’ sake, this should go without saying. However, I notice that it needs saying anyway.

Think twice before you post sexy photos to “Fakebook.” Too many times, people starved for love seek public attention rather than having an honest, open, and vulnerable conversation with their mates.

It can be tough when you’re not feeling appreciated or loved, but it’s much more beneficial for both of you to learn to ask each other for what you need. This can be one of the hardest things to learn, but definitely one of best things you can do for your relationship.

***

Many people can’t broach topics of boundaries, rules, or vulnerabilities in relationships. There’s really no shame about not knowing how, as we don’t learn these topics with our ABC’s. Instead of suffering, consider reaching out to a qualified professional who can help you find your way.

Do you have good, healthy guidelines about your use of social media? If so, what are they? Which of the principles above would help the most?

-Joel Walton