Have you heard of the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse? No, this article isn’t about end times, unless we are talking about end times for a marriage.
Author and marriage researcher at the University of Washington, John Gottman, has studied marriages for decades and has a track record of being able to predict (with a high degree of accuracy) the marriages that will and won’t fail. Ninety percent accuracy!
He boils his predictions down to four areas to foretell which marriages will be masters and which will be disasters.
If couples are actively practicing any of these (or any combination of these) “4 Horsemen” as he labels them, they are headed for the apocalypse – a failed relationship. It is a metaphor for predicting the end of the relationship is coming.
Often negative exchanges between partners will begin with a harsh or sudden jump to complaining or criticism. An introduction to a conversation or topic begins with criticism, nagging or complaining and that leads to the four predictors.
So what are these Four Horsemen or Predictors of a doomed marriage? And how can we recognize them?
The Four Predictors of Failed Marriages
#1. Criticism/Complaining
This means verbally attacking the character or personality of your mate – especially with the intent to make or prove them wrong.
#2. Contempt
Some say this is the worst of the four. Often, contempt is a response to complaining and criticizing. It shows itself through hurtful mocking or sarcasm. It is a form of verbally insulting your mate with the intent to inflict psychological harm.
#3. Defensiveness
Blame and denial are the key to defensiveness and involve attributing behavior to the partner. Typically, acting or seeing one’s self as the victim and deflecting the behavior back at your partner is a part of defensiveness.
#4. Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment
This is saying nothing or refusing to talk, looking away or walking away. Often it’s a refusal to talk combined with body language that indicates a refusal to talk. It’s used as a way to convey disapproval and distance.
Caution: Sometimes being silent can also be a response know as flooding. If one’s spouse is so negative and attacking that the partner feels overwhelmed then “flooding” can happen. It basically is being shell shocked.
Gottman says you need a 5 to 1 ratio for marriages to succeed. What is a 5 to 1 ratio? Simply put, for each bad, nasty or negative thing that is said or happens in your marriage, you need 5 things of equal or greater value that are good or positive. He predicts that marriages will fail if the 5 to 1 math fails.
What can you do to combat these dreaded Four Horsemen?
It is normal for couples to have a small degree of each of these at times. Especially with other stressors in life. But if it is common or intense, then it is probably time to seek outside help and neutral advice.