One thing is for sure – it seems these days people are very aware of their boundaries, as well as when someone has violated them. In fact, I don’t think a week goes by when I don’t hear, “But don’t they need to respect my boundaries?” If I had a quarter for every time I’ve heard that said, I’d be a very rich man.

Have you ever wondered where the phrase and concept come from, and how it got so popular? Well, back in the early 1990’s, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, two Christian psychologists, published a series of books on the concept of personal boundaries with their first bestseller simply entitled, Boundaries (When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.) Interestingly, the book was marketed to Christians as having answers for life issues that were based on biblical truth. It was a book and concept right for its time. Over the years both the book’s and authors’ popularities have grown to become somewhat of the gold standard amongst countless churches and Christian counselors alike. In fact, if you attend a modern contemporary Christian fellowship, chances are you may have even studied Boundaries as part of a small group or home study.

Since the original book was published, Cloud and Townsend have gone on to produce a whole franchise series – leveraging their original concept – with a long list of titles such as: Beyond Boundaries, Boundaries for Leaders, Boundaries in Dating, Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Kids, Boundaries with Teens, and the newest, Boundaries for the Holidays! Included with each of those books is a host of workbooks, videos, and other training materials. Whew – That’s a lot of boundaries!

A lot of people have gained significant help from these books, and I, in no means, would ever discredit those who have found personal growth from within their pages. So, if you like your boundaries, keep your boundaries. But, having worked with countless people who have read these books, it seems to me the main idea behind Boundaries lacks the capacity to bring about real healing. Real healing is often found through empathy, vulnerability, and authenticity – the very opposite of what you find in claiming a boundary. A boundary may work well in getting someone to say “NO,” but I haven’t seen many relationships equitably mended by demanding boundaries.

The idea behind the book Boundaries is we must take ownership of the things we can control and only those things; to identify where our metaphoric property line ends and where another’s begins so we can maintain ours and ours alone. It enforces the idea of self-control and not worrying about others’ actions or lack of action. Okay, great. I’m on board. After all, the bible speaks to self-control on many occasions. Titus 1:8 says this about church leaders, “Rather, he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined.” Self-control is even listed as one of the eight fruits of the spirit.  Cloud and Townsend reinforce the biblical idea of self-control rather than others-control. We cannot control what others do. Agreed!

For the insecure, people-pleasing, work-a-holic, yes-a-holic who is easily taken advantage of, overworked, over-invested, and downright exhausted (I know several individuals who struggle with this… I myself admit to falling, at times, into this unhealthy pattern), this book is insightful and helpful for re-evaluating your calling.

WARNING: Let me make this point as clear as I can… No one should ever put up with bad behavior or subject himself/herself to relationships where you feel physically or mentally unsafe. If you’re in an unsafe relationship, you’ll need more than boundaries. You need to realize you’re excepting bad behavior.

Despite some of the good work brought about by the authors, I fear the concept of Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries runs the risk of stepping over a boundary (pun intended) by implying if we would only just have better boundaries, we’d find and maintain deeper, more meaningful fellowship within our relationships. I respectfully disagree. Relationships are much more complex than just claiming your rights or staying on your side of some ambiguous boundary. To thrive, relationships require us to empathize and be vulnerable for others and ourselves. This requires us to build bridges of understanding, not walls to block and keep others out. (Again, I’m not talking about people who are in an abusive relationship.) Similarly, just because you claim some boundary doesn’t mean there is or should be one where you say it is. After all, when does claiming a boundary violate my claim to disagree with your claimed boundary? I always ask clients, “Would your rather be right or would you rather be happy?  By the way, a client’s response to that question says a lot about his/her heart and his/her motivations.

Boundaries: The Issues Within

In the book Boundaries, the story is shared of a lady named Sherrie who gives and gives and does and does, only to find herself over-spent. The Bible never calls us to be a doormat, nor does it call us to be abused in any capacity or to be taken advantage of. Such things do not please God.

The Issue of Sherrie’s Real Problem

You see, our friend Sherrie from Boundaries does for others not out of love, but out of an unmet need to validate herself. Her problem actually isn’t a lack of boundaries, but her failure to find her identify in Christ, as a result she has adopted a “pleaser role” in an effort to feel better about her “self.” Seeking to validate the “self” will always result in burn-out because the flesh can never produce those riches which can only be found in a relationship with Christ. This can also be the same for people who are “avoiders” (people who avoid emotional connection) and boundaries are heroine to an avoider!

Again, don’t get me wrong, boundaries are a good starting point for the mom who’s trying to do too much and is facing burn out, but it fails to address the deeper problem. It’s a good spring board from your over-doing symptom, but not a solution to the lack that lies deep within. Think about it this way: Alcoholics Anonymous can help someone stop drinking, but it can never give then new life. This book can call attention to our over-doing symptoms, but it doesn’t address the root cause – our misplaced identity.

The Issue of Misplaced Authority in Scripture

One of my biggest issues with the book is the way in which Cloud and Townsend claim an authority to scriptures that’s just not really there. They claim that, “boundaries are not only beneficial, they’re Biblical!” They refer to the “law” of boundaries as if it written in the Bible (which they are not). Matthew 22:36-40 tells us the interaction between a religious leader and Jesus, “‘Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?’ Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.’” These are the laws to which we place authority in our lives. Not of pushing others back or stepping away from them, but of pouring out our heart, mind, body, and soul for God, and in turn for others. Then we have the passage in Ephesians chapter 5 that talks about mutual submission for both husbands and wives, rather than mutual boundaries.

I’m going to borrow from our word-wise friend, Webster, by sharing the definition of boundary as “a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.” It’s synonymous with border, partition, and division. So many supporters of this book have taken the idea of boundaries and turned it into an excuse to separate themselves from others with rigid, unbending, and unforgiving borders. Trust me, I know. They tell me about them as they sit across from me in our counseling sessions and struggle to understand why these relationships are not healing. You know who broke the greatest dividing line in all of history? God! When He tore the boundary veil from top to bottom that separated us from Him. How then do we honor Him by placing a veil between others and ourselves?

The Issue of Control

The title itself yields an erroneous teaching: “to take control of your life.” Where in scripture are we taught that control of our lives is something for us to take? Aren’t we instead to hand over control of our lives to the God who created and gave us that very life? He has control and He will work all things for good if we just stop trying to grab the reins and get out of His way. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).”  Isn’t He sufficient for upholding us and giving us rest? “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

There is a freedom in surrendering my life to God, the one who knows, sees, and ultimately controls all. This sustaining and empowering freedom is not found in a boundary, nor is it found by taking my life into my hands in my finite, human wisdom. It’s been my experience that people who’ve read these books too often twist the original meaning of boundaries in a way to bully and gain control over other people.

Boundaries: Where to Draw the Line

Beyond the book, boundaries are all too often implemented in divisive, destructive ways. Here are a few of the issues I see when people resort to boundaries.

The Issue of Intimacy

Boundaries teach if I have a problem, I must create a barrier between myself and other people. This is contradictory to our need to connect and share intimacy in our relationships. Boundaries establish an independence from others, and independence doesn’t always breed happiness. Too often, boundaries create a separation that is never later mended. They become permanent and the walls are built too thick and too high to ever want to tear down.

Rather than boundaries being a way to “take care of ourselves” (side note: self-care should always be for being able to serve others better, not serve ourselves better), they become a way to isolate ourselves – often from people who have no idea there was a problem to begin with. They make us rigid and uncompromising, unwilling to build a bridge back to those we bordered away from.

The Need to Blame

Boundaries also have a negative connotation in placing blame. If I need to establish a boundary against you, it implies you wronged me and I am a victim – creating defensiveness in us to protect and guard those boundaries against other people. How exhausting and antagonistic.

Hindsight is 20-20, right? Well, boundaries are often established in retrospect, after you’ve been hurt or felt violated. Isn’t it healthier to set someone up for success by communicating expectations and needs in the beginning? It would be much more helpful to share with others your expectations and needs in a loving way, so everyone has the opportunity to know where you stand and where they stand ahead of time. This will eliminate the need for any walls or boundaries to be thrown up. You’ll be setting each other up for success.

Are you struggling in a relationship now? Have you set up unhealthy boundaries or let them create a divisiveness rather than intimacy? If so, it may be time to talk with a biblically trained Christian counselor who will help you align your belief system with navigating life in broken world with other broken people. Contact me today, and let’s build some bridges.

Here’s a closing thought… A great counter balance to the Boundaries series is the book entitled Unoffendable by: Brant Hansen. I have written an article that can be found in my Blog section under book reviews if you interested in learning more on this topic.

-Joel Walton