Have you ever needed to put something in an envelope after you sealed it? Oh yeah, we’ve all done it sometime in our lives, I did it this morning! Turns out, things that have been bonded together do not pull apart very easily – Seem there’s almost always damage and the envelope is never the same as it was before.
So – You’re likely guessing I’m going somewhere with this and you’d be right. You’ve probably also heard the statistic that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. Nearly half of the til-death-do-you-parts doesn’t happen and it’s the marriage that dies before one of the spouses. And, just like trying to open a sealed envelope, it’s painful when you rip two bonded people apart.
As a Marriage & Family Therapist, my desire is to work to save marriages, but not every marriage can, will, or even should be saved. People divorce for many different reasons. But in this article, I want to talk to those of you who didn’tdesire the divorce – The ones who wantedto stay and work it out. I’m talking to those of you who were either forced to divorce or had to divorce in order to protect yourselves or your family from an abusive situation, not just an uncomfortable one.
4 Necessary Keys to Surviving a Divorce
When the worst becomes reality and you’re faced with the divorced you never wanted, you may feel lost, lonely, and unsure of what to do next. Understandably. Remember, you can’t separate two bonded things without some damage. But, my hope for you is always healing – mending – taking the hurt, pain, and damage, and making something new and beautiful blossom from it. So I want to offer you four very necessary things to do – four things that will eventually help move you from this current place of brokenness, fear, and uncertainty into a new, healthy, healed you.
- Be Willing to Grieve The Losses.
Grief is the roller coaster ride that no one wants on and every wants to get off of. Unfortunately, if you want to come out of this with your mental and emotional health in tact, you’ve got on hold on tight and let this ride run its course.
Shock, a broken heart, rejection, anger, numbness, despair, and the endless list of “why’s?”are all normal – sometimes even all on the same day. Grief is a process, and regardless of what you read in some book or on the internet, there is no one right way to recover from the hole left in you after a divorce. The crisis mode isn’t limited to thoughts or feelings, but also to areas of finance, family, and spirituality. Why did God let this happen? How will this affect the kids? How can I even afford to start back over?
There are lost dreams, as well as, lost shared history that can never be gained back. Of all the areas of loss I’ve worked with, divorce is the most destructive to people. It can take years to recover from a divorce. As painful and confusing as it can feel, allow yourself to feel what you feel and grieve this loss. Don’t sweep it under the rug or pretend to be fine.
But be careful of how deep you let grief take you. If you are entertaining ideas of harming yourself or someone else, seek help immediately. Even in my Christian clients, I’ve seen their sadness turn to an immense feeling of failure and sometimes suicide attempts. Too often for the Christian, they veiw divorce is the ultimate failure in life and struggle to find their identity. They’re left angry, bitter, and stuck holding onto a life that’s no longer there to be lived. The goal is to grieve what needs to be grieved, but not to stay there. Grief is a process not a destination you stay at.
- Get Help and Stay Connected.
Don’t go through this alone. Don’t play the martyr and try to bear this weight alone. It’s not weak to ask for help – it’s smart and it shows strength. There are several good, peer based support groups out there. One of my favorites is Divorce Care (https://www.divorcecare.org/), which meets weekly and goes over a 12-week program to support you and help you gain a deeper understanding of the road that lies ahead of you. Find a local group and plug in.
If you’re in a church that shuns you in any way, find another church. If being divorced sends you to hell, then I guess being married saves you? No. That makes no sense. The church should never encourage divorce, but it should also never judge those who’ve been abandoned or had to leave for safety reasons.
Stay connected to family and friends, butbe careful what you share until after you’ve been through the first few months of the process. Even the most well meaning friends and family can give you really poor advice. Talk to an unbiased, well-trained professional who knows the best advice to give and the best ways to help you through this hurt. There are also many excellent books on the topic. Here’s a great one I did a review on called “Broken Vows” (https://www.mendedlife.com/broken-vows-to-healed-hearts/).
While you’re seeing to stay connected and get help, keep your children out of your drama. Don’t triangulate them between you and your ex. It’s not fair to them and will come back to haunt you in the future. I’ve worked with a number of adults who as children were put in the middle of their parents’ divorces. Resist the urge to make your ex look like the enemy or to use your children as some pawn in a revenge game.
- Work Towards Forgiveness.
I emphasize the word ‘work.’ Forgiveness is hard, it takes energy and effort, and it’s an ongoing process. Forgiveness is probably the hardest aspect of divorce because it covers so many issues. Again, divorce is different for each person going through it, so the healing process and forgiveness process is a little different too. There are so many twists, turns and dynamics to cover here, but suffice it to say forgiveness is the goal. It may be the last thing you want to hear right now, but I can’t withhold truth. Forgiveness (https://www.mendedlife.com/forgivness/) is a necessary part to your healing. You cannot move on in your life until you’ve let go of the anger, bitterness, and desire for revenge or punishment. It’s not about letting your ex off of the hook; it’s about freeing yourself from the bondage of resentment and pain.
Justification is the biggest roadblock to being able to forgive. One of the things our fallen nature has is the ability to find reasons why we should hold onto our anger and resentment. Rationale like,“My life has been ruined because of them,”or “They don’t deserve to be forgiven,”or“They need to feel as bad as I do,”will hold you captive. The list of reasons you can use to justify your anger can be endless, but forgiveness is for you – not them. You need to come to the end of this process or you’ll forever be stuck and unable to move forward or heal. If this is where you’re stuck at right now, I encourage you to check out this video: (embed… the-power-of-forgiveness-as-a-product-of-change)
- Looking for and Finding Your New Life.
If you haven’t progressed through the first three steps, don’t try this last step yet. Moving ahead means letting go of the past. It’s not that you forget about the past, but that you are willing to find a new identity and live in the present. This means asking and answering the following questions: “What does my preferred future look like? Where and what do I want to be doing with the remainder of my life?”
It’ll be difficult to live in the present and move toward the future if you are still living in the past. You have to step forward, unsure of what’s next, but willing to take the risk for the sake of your health and happiness. You must be willing to engage in the possibility of tomorrow without knowing the outcome. Most people who are high in certainty will struggle with this because change is scary when you don’t know the outcome. They often will pick staying in control of their pain rather than risk stepping out in faith. Can it be scary? Absolutely! Is it worth it? Absolutely! Ironically, the only thing God really asks from us is faith, and that’s the one thing many lack in finding a new life.
Your life didn’t end when your marriage did. You’re still here. Yes, you may feel broken – but you don’t have to stay that way. Yes, you may feel lost – but there is a path to finding yourself again. Yes, it’s going to take time and work – but you and your future are so worth it.
If you’re struggle with any of these areas, it may be time to work with a qualified therapist who can help you explore your possibilities and options. It may be time to look at what is keeping you from moving into a different life than the one you may have had planned. That’s where I come in. I’m here. Let’s start walking the journey toward your future and your mending.
-Joel D. Walton