Most couples entering into counseling have a unified agenda and agree on wanting to keep the relationship together. Unfortunately, some couples can enter into counseling with mixed agendas, meaning that one person wants to try counseling while the other one doesn’t.
At best, the resistant individual might come from fear of the counseling process or some other concern. At worst, he or she has already internalized the decision to end the relationship. Sometimes, all it takes is one individual to save or destroy a relationship. Both the power and the weakness of a relationship can reside in that dynamic.
The Intake Process
Establishing a couple’s agenda is a critical aspect of the intake process.
For the counseling to be effective, both individuals must want to save the relationship and be willing to put in the work. Couples’ counseling is much like two people rowing a boat because it requires coordinated effort to move from where you are to where you want to be.
Without working together, you’ll just turn your boat in circles, wasting time and resources while becoming frustrated with the process. You need an agreed destination and the coordinated, sustained effort it takes to row.
Mixed Agendas
Too many couples approach counseling as a way of checking a box off their list: “We tried counseling, but it didn’t work.” That’s designed to clear both their consciences before ending the relationship, but there’s no real intention to put energy into working things out.
“Mixed agenda” couples are broken down into two groups.
Bringers and Bringees
The first group is made up of a “bringer” and “bringee,” where the bringer wants couples’ counseling, but the bringee doesn’t want to be there. The bringee may not want to talk to a stranger, doesn’t believe in the counseling process, or just feels afraid that talking about their “stuff” will only make things worse.
For these couples, the process is to build a therapeutic alliance. That critical step builds trust in the process and helps to establish a vision of how things could be different in a preferred future. Then the couple can be supported in working toward positive change. Even though only one of the individuals believes in the process initially, the other can often find the sessions beneficial, and the relationship improves.
Leaning In and Leaning Out
The second group is made up of couples where one is “Leaning In” the boat, wanting to stay the relationship, while the other is “Leaning Out” of the boat, wanting to leave it. This is not just a case of wanting counseling or being doubtful of counseling. The individuals are split as to whether or not they want to save the relationship.
Sometimes couples in this second group can be moved to the first group, but they often end up dissolving the relationship, and counseling becomes the vehicle they use to process through the breakup.
Decrement Counseling
Because this second group usually ends up seeking clarity on how to dissolve the relationship, it shouldn’t be called couples’ counseling. Instead, it’s often referred to as “Decrement Counseling.”
Decrement counseling is a process of helping couples decide which path they want to take. The one path is repairing the relationship, while the other path is dissolving it. Decrement counseling is used to help each individual to fully understand the options, cost, and reality of what staying or leaving really looks like.
The partner that’s leaning out needs to fully understand what’s at stake before deciding to give up on the relationship. And, they need to honestly understand what their real objection is to overhauling their relationship. After all, that could radically transform their life into something they may never have had before or may never achieve in the future
They also need to understand that statistically, they will have fewer resources, less control, and may end up with somebody else raising their kids. While their estranged partner might have become the distilled object of their unhappiness, they are often no happier after ending their relationship than they were when they were in the relationship; but now, they have less money and control.
There is also the aspect of shared history. While the relationship may have some major issues, there were other times that were good, and those shared memories can’t be ported to the next relationship. This point is often overlooked until years later in life.
For the partner who’s leaning in and wanting to save the relationship, they need help accepting that just wanting to save it doesn’t mean it can be saved or the counseling process can save it.
They need to understand there is life after a breakup and the grieving process can be hard. Finding a new identity may ultimately make them into a stronger, better person. They may need help in processing through issues of forgiveness. And, they may need support in understanding all is not lost!
Letting go can often lead to a change in mindset that frees individuals to resolve their own internal conflict, which may have contributed to their breakup. They may also learn how to rebuild their lives by finding a new normal they can thrive in. Different doesn’t have to mean worse!
Discernment Counseling
Discernment Counseling can be used by either group to manage a pending divorce by helping to resolve major issues between individuals. This saves the cost, emotional pain, and resulting bitterness of long, drawn-out court battles, where the only winners are often the lawyers.
An agreed-upon plan built with the help of a natural third party can often save you countless hours of legal maneuverings. It will also help you build a plan for working together in the future as you need to interact, especially if you have children.
***
Whichever path you take, working with a professional counselor can help set you up for the path you end up going down. The real power of couples’ counseling lies in the individual’s ability to either repair or dissolve their relationship without destroying each other in the process.
Because this topic is so important for couples facing a major life change or relationship overhaul, I provide a no-cost, 10-minute consultation to talk about your case. Contact me to set that up. Whatever path you’re on, whether to repair a relationship, make a decision, or dissolve without rancor, you have options.
Has anyone you know gone through a major change in relationship? How was it handled, and what were the results?
-Joel Walton