With the holidays in full swing, are you experiencing joy or frustration? Happiness or stress? A study by the American Psychology Association found that 44% of women and 31% of men report an increase in stress during the holidays. The holidays are a time to celebrate, rejoice, and enjoy traditions (More on family traditions here), so why the stress and frustration? A large part of it comes down to our expectations.

The Problem with Expecations

We have expectations thrown at us every day from outside sources and from ourselves. These expectations include: keeping up with the latest trendy merchandise or attire, perfectly juggling our work and family commitments, exercising the right amount and eating the healthiest foods, staying in the know on the latest news and conversation topics, and the list goes on and on. Oh, and we’re expected (there it is again) to do all of this with a smile on our face, a twinkle in our eye, and a skip in our step. Expectations are exhausting, demanding, and often downright unrealistic.

Expectations are those unspoken assumptions of what we should or shouldn’t do. Expectations control and manipulate our actions. They are a poisonous ale for relationships, leaving one party disappointed and the other party feeling they can’t quite measure up. Frustrations, anger, resentment, and stress inevitably result in both parties. We have expectations all year long, but our holiday expectations or “holiday shoulds” may include: I should buy that gift; I should attend that function; I should visit with that part of my family; I should cook that meal just like Martha-freaking-Stewart. Certainly your family and your home will magically transform into a picture-perfect, deck-the-halls worthy Christmas card as soon as Santa’s sleigh bells start jingling. Right? I mean the twinkle of the Christmas lights, melodious carols, and miracle Messiah birth stories make us believe that literally anything is possible.

We build up in our heads what the holiday should be like and are then thoroughly disappointed when it plays out differently. We paint a detailed image of what our holidays will look life: family gathered for a delicious home cooked meal around a beautifully decorated table with lots of laughter and smiles. These images are often unreasonable and unattainable goals based on tv or what you heard your grandmother used to do. Rather than getting what we expected, we instead get Uncle Frank showing up late, your mother-in-law criticizes your mediocre decorations, your cousin bringing up politics at a divided table, and oh yeah, a dry turkey (dry turkey reminds me of that scene in Christmas Vacation when Clark cuts open the bird Catherine “roasted”).

Unmet expectations lead to disappointment, bitterness, and resentment. Life isn’t perfect and people aren’t perfect, and the holidays include people and are part of life, so logic tells us the holidays won’t be perfect either. On the contrary, when we roll into the holidays with zero expectations, we take delight and gratitude in the little things that come our way. When we don’t ski into the holidays with expectations, we take more joy in winter wonderland!

Tips to Avoid the Holiday Hurt from Expectations

Reevaluate Your Expectations. Are they reasonable? We said earlier how we cannot expect perfection – life doesn’t work that way and it’s unreasonable to believe so. Cut yourself and others some slack. Stop aiming for so many external expectations and just let people be who they are.

Limit Your Expectations to Yourself. You are the only person you can control. You cannot control the weather or other people. Too often, expectations are based on those things beyond our control which can lead to disappointment. You can only control you and your own reactions to things. Decide here and now not to be hurt by others. Decide here and now to expect nothing other than to choose to respond positively to others.

Limit Your Commitments. It’s great if you’re fortunate enough to be invited to several holiday events: open houses, dinner parties, etc. However, if you (or others) expect you to attend every single one of them, fulfilling these expectations can exhaust and stress you. Always evaluate whether the event brings you more joy than stress. If it doesn’t, cut it out of your plans. Part of this may include setting boundaries with others so you can handle only what you can handle and allow others to deal with themselves.

Create Positives. Negative and unplanned events are going to happen and they’re going to derail your expectations. The key to surviving them is to outnumber them with joyful moments. Intentionally create little pockets of bliss throughout your day. Maybe it’s a quiet moment to sit and enjoy the winter scenery or perhaps it’s enjoying a warm, baked goodie. Maybe your little moment of joy is grabbing a few minutes on the couch with a loved on. As your expectations are hijacked, create your own positives.

Focus on What You Give Rather Than Receive. Often our expectations revolve around others conforming to our ideas and preferences. The problem is the focus is on you. Consider changing your perspective and expectations to what you can do for others instead. Like we said earlier, it’s much easier to control yourself. And since there is so much gift-giving at the holidays, don’t have expectations for what others should get you. Rather, find joy in giving to them instead. If it’s not what they expected, well, that’s on them.

Practice Grace. When things go astray, use this as an opportunity to practice grace. As imperfect people do imperfect things, choose to not be offended. Choose to not be hurt or mad or disappointed. Choose to love them through it. Choose to extend grace upon grace to them. Doing this will set you up for a merry and bright season.

If the holidays have you more blue than Elvis (did you catch that? I love Elvis’ “Blue Christmas”), you don’t have to stay that way. Reach out to me today (Contact Me), and let’s start moving toward a more whole and joyful place of healing.

-Joel Walton