It’s easy to become frustrated or to think about how bad things are and about how you’d be better off by just ending your marriage.
One of the problems with that is we fantasize about how our lives would be without the emotional pain of our marriage. We picture a life where everything is positive! All our current problems get attached to the person who’s been hanging around our necks like a millstone, holding us back from achieving that better life!
Sometimes people grow apart, bitterness sets in, and they simply fall out of love. Other times, the problems are far deeper and untenable.
I love to save marriages. Yet even I must confess that due to the damage sustained, not all marriages can or should be saved.
Having said that, I’ve also seen people mend these types of issues and go on to live happy lives because both were committed to staying in the marriage. The four areas are:
- Active or repeated abuse
- Active or repeated addictions
- Active or repeated affairs
- Active or repeated abandonment
If you’re dealing with any of these four common themes, you might be considering divorce.
Too often individuals choose divorce as a primary option when things go bad. They feel disconnected, and they’ve convinced themselves a divorce is their only way to find happiness in life. Statistically speaking, as well as through my own experience, this isn’t necessarily true. But sadly, too often couples will break up, even though they had a really good chance of saving the marriage if they had just gotten the help they needed.
The majority of people I’ve worked with after a divorce report being worse off than they were when married.
So, before you call your attorney, please consider the following 11 things people have repeatedly told me they wish they’d fully considered before ending their marriages.
11 Things To Consider if You’re Thinking About Divorce
#1. Divorce is much harder than I thought it would be.
Divorce fallout is grossly underestimated.
Often, once the anger and hurt feelings pass, the reality sets in. Many people are surprised to find out they’re no happier being divorced and are doing far worse than when they were married.
Research shows that after a divorce, only 20% of folks feel they’re better off. That leaves 80% being worse or no better off. Statistically speaking, those are sobering numbers.
Researchers have also shown that, in contrast, the majority of people who stay in troubled marriages, despite their current issues, report they’re glad they stayed in the marriage. They state it was their problems that ultimately led them to finding solutions.
In our “replacement-now” culture, it’s easy to view marriage as just another “appliance” we can replace when it starts to displease us.
#2. What about the kids?
The kids are often the casualties of warring parents.
Children are placed in the middle of parental conflict and are forced to have to choose sides and, sadly, to play referee between battling parents. In a time when parents should be helping children form their own identities, the children find themselves lost in a whirlwind of internal conflict. That can leave them feeling battered, rather than secure and safe in the care of loving parents who help with identity, character, and development issues.
Later, it’s the complexity of the extended and future blended families that keeps injuring and reinjuring those primary attachment bonds.
People will often say they don’t want their kids to see them fight any longer and try to hide the discord. What they never seem to consider is maybe their kids can learn more by seeing them resolve their issue and come to a new and deeper understanding. Teaching their kids that maybe it’s better to fight for keeping a marriage can be a much more powerful life lesson than a deceptive picture of a marriage with no troubles whatsoever.
Grownup children from divorced families often see divorce as a real option to solve their own marital conflict, thereby repeating the modeled behavior when they grow up.
#3. Then there’s the custody issues.
People report child custody is one of the biggest issues they didn’t think though completely. While it seems like this should be an easy thing, often it’s very hard.
Pick-up and drop-off times that were once set up and running smoothly when the kids were younger can become very hard to maintain when work and other responsibilities ebb and flow.
Having young children raised by your ex’s new spouse can be very difficult to navigate. Many report how hard it is to see their children being raised by another man or woman with their own extended families. The lack of good boundaries and poor co-parenting can make raising children far harder than you can ever imagined now that you’re not a part of their household and have no control.
#4. There is a loss of identity.
One of the issues people will frequently talk about is they don’t know who they are anymore. While they may have wanted to end their marriage, they didn’t realize when they ended it they would also be ending a major part of their own identity. This loss of identity can be overwhelming and can often cause people to get back into another relationship before they’re fully ready. The question one needs to ask is, “Who am I, apart from this other person?”
Often, for many who’ve been married for years, the answer to this question can’t be found until it’s too late.
#5. You will have a loss of family and friends.
While having to go find new family and friends may seem easy at first, here again, it’s not as easy as you might think. What to say, do, and how to act around relatives and/or friends, once you’re divorced, can be hard. Split loyalties change the relational structure. People often report the individuals they thought they could most depend on were gone, causing them to feel further loss and loneliness. Women sometimes report that longstanding married girlfriends start to become jealous, thinking that the new divorcee may be out to take their man.
#6. There are financial issues.
Those who are thinking of divorce often forget to fully calculate the real price they’ll have to pay when it’s all said and done. Fully calculating attorney fees, retirement accounts, equity in property, and the cost of having to pay for two living arrangements is just the beginning.
Then there’s another aspect that people don’t even think about, let alone plan for. If you thought you had a lot of struggles and conflict before your divorce, it’s almost always worse after than before. And now, what little control you may have had is surely lost as the ex becomes more and more independent or, worse, gets into a new relationship. It’s one thing to have one ex upset with you, but too often the new partner becomes part of the conflict. If you argued about money before, it can get a lot worse after the breakup.
#7. You had shared memories.
This is an area many people never think about. Regardless of how bad things were, there were good times, too. In those times, shared memories you’re not even aware of were created and stored.
A shared memory is an experiential bonding time you had with the other person. Little jokes, funny sayings, and the little things only the two of you knew about are all stripped away with the stroke of a pen. These shared memories will never be the same with another person, because they weren’t there. It’s like having a lifetime of inside jokes with nobody to share them with.
#8. There may be second marriages.
While it’s easy to think you’ll finally be able to locate your true love once you’re free, the statistics for second marriages are sadly far worse than first marriages. People are often extremely disenchanted to discover the grass isn’t that green on the other side and, in fact, can be far worse and harder to water.
Most marital issues don’t start in marriage. They start before the people ever meet. So, it’s no surprise the lost trust and hurt feelings from the first marriage can be passed to the second or third marriage.
Second marriages are often much harder because there’s a loss of innocence from the first marriage. Many people will carry internal vows of, “Nobody will ever do that to me again,” which causes people to constantly scan their next relationship for the first sign of problems. That leads to overreactions and suspicions anytime they perceive something remotely similar.
#9. There may be blended families.
Even if you don’t remarry, you’ll be in a blended family should your ex decide to remarry. That will potentially force you to deal with far more issues than you had in your first marriage.
Researchers found there are 67 possible combinations of a blended family, and while you might think you’ve got it all figured out, many divorcees report they had no idea how complicated a blended family would be. On average, it takes seven years to stabilize a blended family. The kids might be grown adults before that ever takes place.
#10. You can’t go back.
Many people report a feeling of being “damaged goods” and see themselves as having baggage they didn’t really expect. While some do reconcile and even remarry, they still state they can’t get back to the same place as they were before the divorce.
Some people are able to navigate the waters of divorce very well, perhaps remaining single parents. Others report they’ve been able to find someone new and maintain a good working relationship with an ex-spouse.
Either way, you can’t go back.
#11. You said wedding vows.
What does keeping your word mean to you, and what frame of mind were you in when you vowed to stay together “for better or worse”?
If you think back, you were probably happy and felt joyful at the prospect of staying married for the rest of your lives. You enthusiastically embraced love as a renewable resource through any problem.
It’s easy to blame the other person or ourselves. But putting blame aside for a minute, consider the possibility you just need more information. Like any other problem, you’re not the first to have marital problems, and solving them could be the most important learning you’ve ever done in your life.
It’s true we all get tired of the “act” we see in a spouse day after day (and, by the way, our spouses get tired of seeing our “act” also!). But there is something life-renewing about accepting we’re all human and learning how to accept and love each other despite our differences. It can have a massively positive impact.
With the right help and clarity, we could easily find small areas of understanding where we once found nothing but contention. Call them stepping stones. Build enough stepping stones, and you have a bridge.
In his terrific book, The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle, Mike Mason wonders if those vows are really too difficult to keep. How can we always love, honor, or cherish?
Then he shows us how those very vows can be the glue that keep couples together despite what may seem like unsurmountable obstacles. Rather than making it about the spouse, you can think of this as a challenge for your own integrity and seek out the help you need. Your promises can sustain you, even in difficult times.
If you’re in an abusive situation, please don’t take my words of encouragement meant for other couples to be a guilt bomb for you. You need to take care of yourself.
You Still May Have a Choice
If you’ve already moved on, it’s probably best to stick to your decision. Live your lives and heal.
But if you’re simply less than happy and looking at divorce as an option, remember the cost to everyone concerned, and don’t make this huge decision lightly. Be mindful of the consequences and create as little drama around the situation as you can. Most importantly, seek out help. You may not be able to see the trees for the forest.
I would never want anyone to stay in a bad relationship. If, on the other hand, you could transform your relationship into something that you never had before, something that was far better, would it be possible to find a reason to stay? Maybe it’s worth your time to explore marital counseling before you decide to end it.
One thing I know for sure is people don’t generally leave a good relationship when their partner is fulfilling their emotional needs. Trust is possible when you fully know and understand each other. Unfortunately, a lot of couples don’t seek the help they need in getting their own needs met without undermining the needs of their partners.
Over the years I’ve worked with countless couples, many of whom were later happy they didn’t give up and report they are better off now than they ever were in the past. These types of results are only possible when two individuals earnestly desire the same thing and are willing to work through their issue in order to get it.
Couples co-create a core cycle, and in the counseling process I use targets to break down and explore each element. When new light is shed on the detrimental patterns, new productive patterns can reshape the relationship, allowing a more authentic communication and resolving conflict and fear.
Before you decide to divorce, you may need to consider Discernment Counseling as an option. It’s a short term process designed to give couples clarity and confidence to decide if they want to commit to couples counseling, keep things as they are, or end the marriage. Whichever decision you go with, it can help you choose what’s right for you and your family.
Blessings as you go forward in your life and relationship.
-Joel Walton