Years ago I worked with a gentlemen in a manufacturing facility and over his workbench he had a sign that read “Hire A Teenager While They Still Know Everything!” If you’ve ever raised a teen perhaps you can relate to the comedian Jeff Allen when he says, “I believe teenagers are God’s revenge on mankind. It’s like He said, ‘Hey let’s see how they like it to create something in their own image that denies their existence!’” All Joking aside, many parents struggle with communication when it comes to their teenagers. No longer are the common occurrences of a toddler running to you for a kiss on the boo-boo when they fall or a child jumping ecstatically into your arms when they hit that scoring run. No, your child is a teenager now, and communication is, well, different.
Teen Development Affects Communication
There is a lot going on developmentally during the teen years, and these changes affect how and when your teen relates to you. Around the age of fourteen, teens are working overtime to establish their independence. It’s natural and healthy for their peers to become a higher priority to them than their parents. It’s part of the process of separating from the parent and becoming an independent adult. Long term, it’s a good thing. Temporarily, the changes may be uncomfortable for you.
Physically, puberty and other biological changes cause teens to want and need more sleep. Yes, on a Saturday morning, your teen may want to sleep til noon rather than get up and socialize with you over breakfast. This sleep could be greatly needed, so don’t be afraid to forego the early morning conversations.
Emotionally, your child is separating from you as they move close to departing the nest. This can cause conflict and tension as they filter through their rocky and hormone-driven emotions. Remember the ways you acted as a teenager?
Mentally, abstract thinking in greatly developing in teens, and most will vastly expand their reasoning skills at this time. This intellectual boom may now become a weapon to use against parents. Teens look for holes in parent logic or will challenge you with their own logic during conversations.
Socially, teens have different interests than you. Honestly, they don’t want to waste their time talking to you about things they know you don’t care about or listening to you talk about things they don’t care about. They think adults are boring. And guess what, by a teen’s measurement, we are!
How to Keep Communication Lines Open with Your Teen
Though your teen and your relationship with your teen is changing, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You have a great deal to still teach them about life about you’ll want to keep the lines of communication open for that. Here are some things to do if you’re struggling to communicate with your teen.
1. Avoid “talking down” to your teen.
Your teen wants to be treated with love and respect, just as you do. Your teen can recognize you as the head of the household or as the leadership without being spoken to in a condescending way. If we talk to our teens and remind them they have worth, they will become more confident in their self-worth and thus feel less need to “buck” authority. Yes, your teen may very well be the one acting disrespectfully. However, your reaction and responses set an example of acceptable communication and interactions for your home.
2. Be patient.
Many children become closer to their parents after they’ve flown from the coop. They get out in the “real world” and experience independence. Suddenly they realize their parents weren’t quite as idiotic as they thought. Be patient and hopeful that if you stick in there, communication lines will flow more freely one day.
3. You don’t have to “fix” everything.
Often when our teens do decide to open us, they pour out information about their problems, their friends’ problems, and all kinds of other drama. Your gut instinct may be to jump in and fix the problem or offer suggestions on how to handle the situation. There is a time and place for that, but you must be careful. Again, teens are developmentally separating from their parents, so forcing help on them will be in direct conflict with their independence. Listen sensitively and respond at appropriate times that won’t humiliate them.
4. Don’t misinterpret silence.
Quick Quiz: What’s the fastest way for a teenager to get an attitude? Answer: By accusing them of having one! Refrain from automatically interpreting silence as attitude. Sometimes teens are quiet for fear of saying the wrong thing and getting in trouble or being disrespectful.
Perhaps your teen is trying to process what you have said to them. If the silence is prolonged, ask your teen to repeat back to what they they have heard you say. This will enable you to understand what they have read into your words. If their interpretation is incorrect, rephrase your dialogue and ask them to try again. If the silence continues, let your teen know that you’re giving them some space and time to process and that you will be back at an arranged time to continue discussion. This will typically diffuse the situation while letting your teen know you appreciate their feedback.
5. Protect their privacy.
Your teen may not be talking with you because they don’t trust you. Have you shared private information or embarrassing details about your teen with others? We may not intend to violate their trust, but can be guilty of it unintentionally. When sharing information with friends or other extended family, ask yourself, “Is this necessary to share? Would this embarrass my child?” If the answer is ‘yes,’ it’s better left unsaid. Though their teen issues may seem silly or trivial to us as adults, they are a big deal to the teen.
6. “I need more information.”
Is your teen responding to you with one word answers? This is pretty typical. For example, you may ask, “Where are you headed?” Your teen may reply with, “Somewhere.” Respond by letting your teen know, “I need more information.” The days are now gone when your child would pour out every detail of their day to you. Teens’ peers now service that role. You may not like it, but it is what it is. You were not able to stop your toddler from throwing tantrums, and you won’t be able to stop your teen from distancing themselves from you. You can, however, keep them safe and get vital information from them by following their one-word answers with, “I need more information.”
As your teen’s reliance on you – the parent – lessens, it can sting. Remember that this is healthy and it means you’ve done your job. But if communication has become obsolete and the tips above aren’t helping, it may be time to reach out to someone professionally trained in family counseling (Contact Me Here). Better to resolve any issues and heal any hurts now rather than later when they’ve left the home.