Marriage has a lot of perks. I have a lifetime travel companion (we’re big into adventure). There’s always someone to share day to day life and responsibilities with. There’s love and trust and safety and a plethora of qualities in your spouse that help complete and enhance your life (and hopefully visa versa…even if you really married up like I did). And not to make you blush, but one of the great perks to marriage is sex.
The human sexual experience was meant to be an intimate part of a loving and deeply committed relationship. The act of sexual intercourse wasn’t meant to just be a physical act of reproduction or some release of sexual energy. Rather, it’s the physical representation of what should be going on emotionally between a husband and wife who are fully yielded and able to be vulnerable with one another. Couples learn to trust, be authentic, and enjoy each other in a mutually submissive way. No other relationship is meant to be this deep or to have that level of vulnerability.
Unfortunately, when things aren’t going well within a relationship, a couple’s sexual intimacy is often one of the first areas affected.
Addressing the Elephant in the Room
When it comes to reasons and issues people come to counseling, the topic of human sexuality is often dismissed as something too personal for many to seek help on. This is primarily due to our embarrassment of the topic – especially for people of faith.
I understand that sexual intimacy is a delicate topic. For this reason, many couples struggle to have successful, healthy conversations together about their sex lives. And most people would never consider discussing sexual issues with their pastors or mentors. But, given the importance of sex within a marriage, you most certainly need some safe place to broach this sensitive subject.
As a marriage and family therapist, I deal with this topic on a daily basis with both individuals and couples. They find it easier to explore the topic with an unbiased, confidential and trained professional.
The goals of this article are to:
- Cover some of the common issues couples face when it comes to sexual intimacy;
- Share how these common problems (which is not a fully exhaustive list) are approached within counseling;
- Assure you that a healthy sex life is something God designed for marriage – not just for reproductive purposes;
- NOT tell you what is right or wrong. Each person should be their own moral agent when it comes to what acts and methods they feel led to express their sexuality within their relationship.
- Point out that no one should ever feel pressured or manipulated to accept or perform any act they are not comfortable with.
- NOT be an endorsement of or rejection to any groups or genders as to how they are to act. Sexual expression is as diverse as the colors of the rainbow, which is why I leave those choices and decisions between you and your partner’s own personal relationship.
Common Sexual Issues for Men
While these issues may apply to or affect women as well, they are some of the more common topics discussed in my office with the male gender.
Past Sexual Trauma/Abuse
Sadly, this can often be the catalyst for countless issues that pelage many men later in life. Children can be curious about their sexuality, but they are in no way able to process it. That’s why they should never be exposed to graphic expressions of sexual behaviors before they are able to fully understand what they are doing. In my experience, many men face issues as adults were born on the heels of early sexual exposure by older individuals they trusted to have their best interests.
Another form of sexual abuse or tramua could be an early discovery of porn – whether in print or on-line. It may also be in the form of exposure to a sexual act they watched as a younger child that they didn’t understand but were drawn to – causing them to fantasize about. Early imprinting can have some rather long term effects in regards to interests and desires later in life. Abuse can also cause a lot of performance fears. Or it can have the opposite effect – resulting in hypersexual desires in regards to quantity and types of sexual proclivities.
Porn Use and/or Addiction
The use of porn is attacking many of today’s relationships. One can argue about the moral aspect of porn (again, I’m not here to do any moral debate), but the research on the effect of high-speed porn on sexual intimacy yields alarming data.
Porn is often been viewed by men as an amoral issue. While they feel their wives may not like it, they also believe it really doesn’t do any harm. Yet, later these men are surprised to learn that it can affect them in ways they never knew.
Porn addictions can create significant relationship issues in regards to performance. As with drug addiction, tolerance and resistance build up so addicts view more intense content to get the same sexual rush. Because it is absent of any emotional connection, porn is just a physical act that trains the brain to seek self sex for a release rather than the work of connecting emotionally with a partner. What results is a robbing of necessary intimacy in the courtship of the relationship. It’s also believed that the over use of porn can have negative emotional effects and lead to anxiety and depression in men. Check out this video link to learn more about the effects of porn on the human brain.
Porn use can become a problem when it’s no longer able to be controlled and the person is doing it at work or in areas that expose them to legal issues. It’s also a gateway to acting out physically with someone who’s not your partner. The issue of porn is traditionally more of a male issue than female – primarily because men tend to be more visual while women are stimulated more emotionally. However, there are still many cases where women get hooked on porn, and the population of female viewers is quickly growing.
Self Sex / Masturbation
This is often tied in with the viewing of on-line porn, but masturbation is another issue for many men that can negatively impact their relationships. A lot of wives are shocked to learn just how much their husbands may masturbate. Again, this article is not meant to be a discussion on the morality of masturbation, but instead on the clinical effects it has within one’s relationship with their intimate partners. While men have the desire for sex, women often have the capacity to have way more sex than men. Thus, self sex can hinder a man’s ability to perform sexually. This issues seems to grow with age and a man’s sexual drive can decrease as he gets older.
Performance Issues
Performance issues can come in the form of impotence (the inability to gain or maintain an erection), premature ejaculations (climaxing before they are ready) or the inability to achieve an orgasm. While there are others, these three are the most common.
These issues can be caused by a wide range of physical – as well as emotional – issues. That’s why you really should see a doctor as part of your treatment if you or your partner is having issues with performance. These can be signs of significant medical issues. There are also medications that can affect performance and then there are medications to resolve problems too. There are even specialists who work in this area. One of the areas I work in is helping men overcome the embarrassment of seeking medical help for their performance issues.
Hypo/Hyper Sexual Interest
An over-interest or lack of sexual interest can also stem from a wide range of issues.
It should be noted that a lack of sexual interest doesn’t mean a lack of partner interest. (We will discuss a lack of partner interest later.) For many men, the lack of interest can be the result of many things. Here are just a few common causes:
- low testosterone
- drug or alcohol abuse
- early childhood sexual trauma
- relationship issues
- lack of relational safety
- unknown medical issues
- anxiety
- personality disorders and/or Mental illness
- sleep issues
A lack of sleep – oddly enough – has been a large factor in my experience working with couples. For others, their hypersexual interest may be the result of excessive exposure to pornography and masturbation, which produces a dopamine high that causes a cycle of recurring desires.
When working with these individuals, there’s a need to establish a complete sexual history to figure out if they’ve always been this way or when change occurred and what was going on in their life at the time of the change. This helps determine if there is an emotional association that could be driving their lack of interest.
A common thought as we age is that you need to use it or lose it. Simply put, some men need to stay active as they age or they tend to shut down and lose their desire. But, I’ve had many couples in their 70’s and 80’s that are still sexually active. So, maybe Abraham wasn’t that different after all!
Another factor that can lead to this is a theological misunderstanding of sexual desire and as a result, some men have repressed their healthy sexual desires by thinking of them as dirty or wrong. These individuals are best served by working with a biblically trained counselor that can help them unpack and reprocess their own understanding. Then men can decide for themselves (rather than others deciding for them) what they want for their own life.
For those struggling with an over-interest in sexual desires, the biggest questions are: In what way does this affect your daily living and how much is too much? If a person is in a committed marital relationship and it’s working for both individuals, then there really isn’t a problem.Then there’s the issue of who gets to decide how much sex is too much and is too much really too much? These questions can be worked through in counseling where a trained therapist can help a couple navigate those waters in a safe space. Many hypersexual issues causing relational tension (that are not related to porn use and/or excessive masturbation) are the result of dissimilar views of sexuality intimacy within the relationship and can be processed in couples’ counseling.
Physical or Emotional Affairs
Physical and emotional affairs are often caused by many factors. This article is not able to dive into every issue, but most affairs boil down to a desire to be desired. This can be the result of men feeling they aren’t being respected by their partners or that their partners aren’t safe or are hypercritical of them. It can also be from a long history of never getting enough attention from or not valuing the attention from their partner.
There are some men who are able to compartmentalize their lives and have multiple physical affairs while still emotionally and physically desiring their wives. However, more often than not, men get very closed off emotionally and lack the ability to be emotionally attuned to their wives beyond a very limited level. This can be worked through in counseling providing they both desire to put in the work to make the needed changes. Some – due to the damage from the affair – don’t have the will to work through the process. Yet, I’ve also worked with many men who have gotten caught up in either an emotional or physical affair and are deeply affected by it and want to restore their relationship.
One of the major factors to affairs I’ve personally seen in my practice is the use of social media to connect with old loves or to simply “find out” how that one that “got away” is doing. Then people find themselves in an emotional or physical affair.
There is healing from an affair, but it does take the willingness of both parties to rebuild their relationship and make it something they’ve never had before – sort of working to affair-proof their relationship.
Lack of Interest in One Partner
This is probably one of the hardest issues I face as a therapist. Once someone loses sexual interest in a partner, they often don’t get it back. This can be for many reasons. One of the biggest issues is the use of pornography and a hyperinterest in a) a physical element of the body their partner doesn’t have or b) an act their partner doesn’t or won’t engage in. Again there’s more on this topic that can be unpacked here, but this is an area many will need to work through in counseling to resolve and find healing.
While lack of interest can be a significant issue, it’s not an issue that comes up as often as many women believe. Most men with a hypersexual desire really just want to be with their wives and don’t understand why they aren’t as interested in them as they are in their wives.
Common Sexual Issues For Women
Past Sexual Trauma/Abuse
This is often one of the most destructive and widespread issues I’ve seen in women’s sexually related issues. The level of damage done in sexual trauma can have a life-long impact on their ability to fully express themselves in a healthy sexual relationship. There are some very good counseling modalities to work with this population, but one of the biggest necessities is to get them to take back their own personal power in the face of their abuse and to see themselves as even having a desire for a healthy sexual life.
Physical Pain Associated with Intercourse
This is often the case at the start of one’s sexual beginning and can be the result of sexual anxiety and or an impatient partner. It can also be the result of menopause or any life season where one’s body starts to change. Both of these are common and should be looked at by your doctor. There are things that can be done to address both issues.
Other factors that could be causing physical pain are infection and/or STD’s (which sadly have been the method of discovery to many partners’ affairs). Sexual intercourse shouldn’t hurt. If you’ve gone to the doctor and they’ve checked you out, I’d recommend you look for a counselor you’re comfortable talking. He/she will walk you through your views and understandings about what a healthy sexual relationship should look like and what is needed to make that happen. Life is too short not to desire that for yourself. If you’re struggling, I’d encourage you to get help.
Hyper/Hypo Sexual Interest
Hypersexual desires in women are not as common as hyposexual desires are, but men are not the only ones with this issue. Often these are the result of early sexual trauma in which a woman translates her only true value as being sexually desirable. This can result in multiple affairs as she moves from partner to partner trying to find value and meaning. While she may like sex, it often isn’t about the sex as much as the desire to be wanted by someone else.
Hyposexual interest is much more common and can result from many things, including (but in no way limited to):
- past sexual abuse
- hormone imbalance
- lack of emotional connection
- lack of safety in their relationships
- health issues
- anxiety
- depression
- personality disorders
- Exhaustion
- theological misunderstandings of what a healthy relationship looks like
As with the men, I’d recommend seeing your doctor and doing a complete history on how long this has been an issue. Review what was going on in your life at the time the desires subsided.
Inability to Reach Orgasm
Researchers indicate that upwards of 20% of women have issues achieving orgasm and around 5% never have. This is another topic we don’t have the time to fully cover here, but this is an area that can often be overcome within a relationship – providing all parties can get it out on the table and talk through the issues.
Often it’s simply an issue of security within the relationship and being able to discuss what is needed. Getting couples to be transparent, authentic, and vulnerable allows them to process these issues together in the comfort of their own home. Counseling helps them attune and develop the needed relational skills to explore and play and learn more about each other. There are several good books I recommend for couples working through this in order to either gain or restore intimacy within their marriage.
Lack of Interest in Partner
This is an issue that can affect women as much as men. Often there has been a change in the relationship and for women, it’s often a loss of respect that drives their lack of desire. Like men, this can be a hard issue for women because it usually is caused by a deeper emotional issue or physical abuse that hasn’t yet been disclosed or worked through.
Physical attraction can also be a factor and/or negative habits that have caused one to recoil and pull away. The disclosure of behaviors such as inappropriate relationships or lack of boundaries may have caused changes in one’s opinion of their partner and impacted one’s desire for their partner.
Addiction to Romance Novels/Movies
While men get a bad wrap for porn, women also have their vice in the way of romance novels, chick flicks, and the Hallmark channel. While not as disruptive as porn can be, an overuse of romance novels or movies can do a significant amount of harm to a relationship in the way of comparison to others. They can cause women to compare what they don’t have and view their lives and relationships as not being as good as those in the book or movie. They also create a fantasy world that keeps one from being willing to remain vulnerable within a healthy – but struggling – relationship.
Summary:
My hope is for you to reclaim a healthy sex life in your marriage. While the issues may be numerous, so are the opportunities for help. As a trained professional in relationship counseling, I can help pinpoint issues and work with you on overcoming them. And since being comfortable with your counselor is key, I’d happily help you find connect with someone else until you find the right fit.
-Joel D. Walton