Hollywood has given us some fairly famous breakups: Angelina and Brad, Sonny and Cher. And when it comes to breakups, you’ve probably heard the line (or were the one to deliver it), “It’s not you. It’s me.” But sometimes that’s just not true. Sometimes it’s not you and it is them.
Such is the case when we break-up with the lies we believe. You know the ones I mean. The lies our fears whisper to us or the lies we’ve lived most of our lives clinging to – even when they have no factual basis. We need to gather all of their personal belongings and kick them to the curb. We find a new freedom and new life when we end those life-sucking relationships many of us have with lies.
Various Lies That Con Us
We don’t all fall for the same lies. Thought traps set for me, may not be the same ones set for you. To help further my point, here are a few common lies believed by people I have worked with:
- I have to look a certain way to be loved.
- I have a right to hold a grudge against that person.
- I am not good enough or worthy enough.
- I am infertile so I am broken.
- God is mad at me.
- What I did is too bad for God to forgive.
- Trust your heart and follow it.
- Walking away is cowardice or quitting.
- I will finally be happy if I only had _____ (fill in the blank).
This is just a taste of the many lies I’ve heard from many hurting people. And they are just that – lies. They are poisonous, destructive, down-right cruel and vicious lies. So if they are such a load of malarkey, then why do we cling to them so tightly?
How Lies Take Us Captive
The lies we have chosen to believe are often deeply ingrained in us. We’ve wrapped our behaviors, beliefs, and identities around them. They’ve told us how we do and don’t measure up, and sadly, we have listened.
To break free from these lies would be beautiful freedom, but for many it is a scary thing to do. Just like breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend who is not good for us, we think we’re better off with them than apart. We get comfortable and can’t imagine life apart from them. The same applies to our false beliefs. To break it off would mean finding a new normal and a new way of thinking or believing, and that can be scary for many. It’s the unknown that’s intimidating – even when it’s what’s best for us.
Letting the Lie Go
There are many techniques and approaches to breaking up with our false beliefs, but include three necessary pieces:
1) We first have to be able to recognize the lie as a lie. Reliable friends, family, and counselors may help point out and separate our fact from our fiction. Once we open our eyes to our false thinking and the damage it has caused us and our relationships, we arrive at the point where it is time to decide if we will hold onto our lie or let it go.
2) Then secondly, we have to be willing to let it go. It’s one thing to know what’s wrong and it’s a whole other piece to want to fix it. It can be a daily choice (and chore) to decide to say “no” to whatever false belief plagues you.
3) Finally we need to have the truth to replace it with. If we can recognize what we should NOT believe, then we can replace it with what we SHOULD believe. When we go for our routine vehicle oil changes, it’s good that they drain the old, dirty oil. But, it’s not helpful to stop there. They must refill it with clean, smooth oil to help our vehicle run at its best.
This break up with our lies differs based on your worldview and the degree to which your lie affects you. For the Christian, you need to ask yourself where you place your real identity (Checkout this article on identity https://www.mendedlife.com/who-are-you/). Are you living by the truth of who you are in Christ or by how you feel?
Truth is only true when we believe it and live it! When we live by the lies we believe we are giving away our power and authority to stand firm in our true identity. The interesting thing about truth is that we all experience it differently – It may be the same truth, but it is lived based on our own uniqueness rather than a single, rigid understanding.
This is easier said than done. Some people need tangible ways to take captive these taunting lies and conquer them. I’d like to offer you a couple techniques used in the counseling field in the hopes that one may work for you.
Checking the Facts
One traditional counseling approach is to correct “distorted thinking” by trying to find proof of the truth or error and to test and examine your feelings against facts. Just because you feel something doesn’t make it true. We need both logic and emotion as humans, but both of those need to stay in balance and should be used to moderate the other. People often ask if our emotions drive our thinking or if our thinking drives our emotions. The truth is they both can and will drive the other if we let them go unchecked.
For the person who is more feelings based, they would need to develop skills for testing their feelings in order to find facts to support it. Just because you think someone is disappointed in you doesn’t mean they actually are or that you should respond in a manner that pulls away or shuts them out. Likewise, if you are a person who struggles with emotions and understanding your feelings, you need to spend time developing ways to attune to your own feelings and then you can better understand the feelings of those whom you interact with on a daily basis.
Breathing Exercises
Some counselors use breathing exercises that help visualize the process. By breathing in the truth and exhaling the error, people can train themselves to be more aware while at the same time helping to control their emotions. This helps keep them from spiraling into despair and negative lies of self condemnation and doubt that cause many of us to stay frozen and stuck in our current state.
Others encourage visualizations that are similar to the breathing exercises. Imagine yourself telling the lie, “no,” and pushing it away. Picture yourself turning from and walking away from the lie and reaching out and embracing the truth. Though this may seem silly to some, it’s a way to train your mind. You are taking control of your thoughts and filtering through them – making you the ruler, rather than you lies.
Finally, for the Christian, I want to remind you of two Bible verse from the apostle Paul. They remind us to take captive our thoughts and to fix our thought patterns on truth.
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”– 2 Corinthians 10:5
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”– Philippians 4:8
If you’ve been holding onto a lie and are ready to finally break up with that false belief, I am here to help you kick it to the curb! The healing path of truth is waiting and I’d like to join you on the journey! (Insert contact link)
-Joel D. Walton