As parents, we’ve sat through countless Disney and superhero movies. Every plot plays out the same. Villain bullies and preys on protagonist. Protagonist is just about to give up or be defeated when their inner gift/strength/courage finally bursts through, empowering the protagonist and giving them the ultimate victory. Good defeats evil and they all live happily ever after.
Why do we love these storylines so much? That’s easy, we all want good to prevail and bad to be brought to justice. But our kids don’t just see this power struggle between good and bad in movies. They see it played out in real life with bullies.
What is a Bully?
Before we begin, let’s agree on a definition for a bully. We can encounter many aggravating people in life, but not every annoying person or nuisance is a bully. There is a difference between a frustrating person and a destructive, harmful bully. According to Stopbullying.gov bullying is an “unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.”
Bullies prey on people and are searching for one thing: Power. Often masking some deep down insecurity or hurt, the bully acts out and finds a warped version of self-esteem by taking power from others and lording control over them. Whatever lack of love or unfulfilled need that the bully is suffering from is temporarily hushed by the elevated position they feel over others they have affected or conquered.
As an adult, you probably remember a bully from school or you’ve likely encountered a bully in your workplace, neighborhood, or social circle. Dealing with these difficult people can teach us a lot about ourselves and our identities. These are the valuable lessons we can teach to our children – turning a negative bullying situation into a positive, skill-building, character growing experience. What if we could help our kids to take some of the destructive sting and power away from bullies by teaching them to grow in the face of adversity?
What We Can Learn from Bullies
1) Bullying is built on lies.
The bully himself/herself is a walking, talking lie. Seen as a strong entity to be feared and respected, the bully is the exact opposite. Strength does not come by stealing it from others, but rather by continuous hard work and perseverance in the face of obstacles. No weight lifter has ever been able to “steal” muscle mass from another, but instead has to grow and build strength through endless hours of hard work.
Furthermore, rather than someone to be feared, the bully is someone engulfed in their own fear. Afraid of not mattering, afraid of losing control, afraid of being weak; the bully is terrified but masks it as overzealous confidence. And is respect truly respect if it’s forced? Doubtful. Demanding respect, the bully is actually reaping disdain.
In fact, the person who can withstand the bully and overcome their attacks will actually be the one who conquers fear, grows strong, and becomes respectable. This is who we teach our children to be – everything the bully wishes he/she was but in the right way. Rather than built on lies, our child’s identity is built on a solid foundation. For the Christian, this identity is in Christ – not in fear or lies.
2) Bullies don’t take our power.
But your child canchoose to give it to them. Teach your children not to. Teach your children they control their power. And as much as the bully comes banging at their door demanding your child hand over their power, your child is the one who decides whether or not to keep it. How? In the way your child reacts to the bully.
Bullies are seeking a certain reaction. Teach your child to not cower. Be courageous, confident, and self-assured. Bullies are seeking to isolate your child. Don’t let them. Teach your kid to stay connected to strong, faithful family, friends, and school staff who will keep him/her from feeling alone. Bullies are seeking an emotional response. Don’t give it to them. Help them practice self-control in their emotions, reminding them that they alone can control those. Teach your child not try to challenge bullies because that’s exactly what they’re looking for. Instead, show them how to be simple, assertive, and straightforward.
By practicing the proper response to a bully, your child is retaining his/her power rather than sacrificing it to the bully. They are being intentional and thoughtful in their response, and this type of purposefulness will always help them hold onto their own power. And can you guess what happens to a bully who does not get the power they seek? Well, they cease to be a bully.
3) Bullies don’t get to decide who we are.
No one gets to define your child. At the risk of sounding harsh, so what if someone called him/her a name? Does that make it true? No. People thought Galileo was nuts and called him names for believing the earth rotated around the sun. Did that make them right? No. Galileo was right, and we look back on him today as one of the great minds of history.
Speak words of life to your child. Help affirm them in their true identities. When your child is confident in who he/she truly is, then no accusation or cruel name can stick. For the Christian, we are given a long list of life-giving names: redeemed, worthy, valuable, chosen, and loved. And since any shame-filled, fiery accusation from Satan himself is dispelled by the power of Christ, so is any rudimentary lie thrown at your child by his/her bully.
Disclaimer: Let me be clear that no one has the right to bully you – especially when it comes to your physical safety. Physical safety is a primary need and parents should intervene immediately if someone is harming your child. Contact school officials and the proper authorities. Do not attempt to confront the bully yourself or take matters in your own hands. The bully who has moved to physically harming another individual is in dire need of help that can only come from trained and equipped professionals.
If you’re struggling to help your child deal with a bully or you’re still battling with one as an adult, it can be helpful to talk with a trained professional. Bullies do not need to control your child or you anymore. Take back your control and power today.
– Joel D. Walton