How that Negative Voice in Your Head Gets Louder: And How to Stop It

Have you ever run into a Negative Nellie, someone you wish would just let up a little bit? Have you ever tried to cheer Nellie up, only to find that her constant negativity won’t budge? You might even find that her bad mood brings you down.

Sometimes, it might be you who’s the Negative Nellie. Have you ever noticed yourself complaining silently (or verbally) and wondered how long you’ve been ruminating? Since we know it’s important to your wellbeing to be positive, how do you catch yourself and stop being negative?

Research by Dr. Robin Kowalski at Clemson University tells us that we all complain at times. She categorized various types of complaints that you’ll no doubt recognize: The Chronic Complainers, the Venters, the Sympathy Seekers, and the One-Uppers.

Another researcher, Donald O. Hebb, PhD, found that whenever we have thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations, the neurons that get triggered form networks in the brain. He called this process experience-dependent neuroplasticity, and it’s the reason that once you’re in a negative groove, it’s really hard to get out. Your brain finds it physically easier to take the same old path.

Once the negative pathways are made in the brain, these connections become as worn as a country road and become the preferred sequence of thoughts. These thoughts can produce feelings of hopelessness, further underscoring the complainer’s feeling that everything is going to hell in a handbasket.

Hebb’s discovery is also the basis for the wide western acceptance of such ideas as meditation (clearing the mind) and affirmations (carving new neuronal pathways by focusing on positive thoughts). It stands to reason that if you can create well-worn paths for negative thoughts to recur in your brain, you can create new ones that facilitate positive thoughts.

Now, when you run into Negative Nellie, you can see why it’s so hard for her to get off her negative jag and look at life differently. But while it’s great to understand her and feel compassion for her, that doesn’t help you stop your own internal complaining.

What Kind of Complainer Are You?

• Venter

If you’re a venter, you’re probably just trying to let off steam. Sometimes it feels good to let your hair down and speak honestly about the things that are bothering you. Unfortunately, venting can turn into a habit. The more you vent, the better you feel … at first. You’re accidentally reinforcing the belief that bad things happen to you. As this belief gains momentum, you can actually make your life worse. You’re creating a brain that habitually complains.

As you burn out friends who get tired of your complaints, you might feel them pulling away, even if they’re doing it unconsciously. And since there’s no actual solution expected, you’re simply developing your skills as a complaint artist. Eventually, you’ll overlook a solution that’s right in front of your face, and you won’t even realize it.

Life can’t get better that way. It’s like being on a treadmill.

• Sympathy Seeker

If you’re a sympathy seeker, you’re not looking for suggestions. You might think you are, but you’ll probably notice that ideas offered by friends usually don’t fit your situation.

There’s some truth to that, because nobody but you really knows the intricacies of your life. But, there may be solutions that you’re not seeing, because your brain is faithfully helping you feel hopeless, trapped, or helpless.

• Chronic Complainer

This is the ruminator (not to be confused with the Terminator). If this is you, you can’t just let bad experiences go, at least not in your head. You may not be complaining to anyone else, but you’re reliving events that you can’t change, because they’re in the past.

• One-Upper

You know the type. No matter what you’re going through, this complainer has it worse. The one-upper will get the gold medal for feeling bad and make sure you know why.

The great thing about hearing someone else complain is that you can walk away, ask them to stop, distract them, or avoid them. When the complainer is you, however, it’s very easy to let it go on and on without even being aware of what you’re doing. And you don’t want to get in a neural rut.

Everybody’s life is going to experience ups and downs. No matter what your favorite style of complaining is, getting control and turning it around will make you happier, help you find solutions easier, and help you get along better with the people around you.

How to Stop Your Own Chronic Complaining

The first problem most people have is realizing that they’re thinking negatively. Here’s how to stop the complaint habit once you’ve caught yourself doing it.

1. Monitor your feelings.

When you’re feeling bad, chances are you’re thinking negative thoughts. If you stopped and asked yourself why you’re feeling bad, you can then figure out what you were thinking about that triggered those feelings.

Let’s say you’ve either caught yourself in a bad mood, or someone’s told you that you appear to be in one. Trace your thoughts to find out what the problem was. Chances are that you’re going to find yourself inwardly complaining about the same, worn-out issues. Once you know what you’re complaining about, you can find ways to re-frame the experience or the fear. You can also work on the problem, rather than subconsciously complaining about it.

2. Let yourself have the bad feelings.

This might seem counterintuitive, but there’s no shame in lapsing into bad feelings when memories or future fears pop up. In fact, those bad feelings might be good warning signs, like a light that goes off on the dashboard of your car. They give you clarity.

Once you know what you’ve been thinking about, try staying with the thoughts and feelings for a bit without judging them. This is part of being mindful, which allows you to experience present reality without frantically trying to change, edit, fake, or judge it. After all, being aware of what you’re doing is a first step to acceptance and healing. Later, when you’re not even thinking of the problem, a positive step will come into your mind like one of those ideas you get in the shower.

3. Avoid speaking of it.

Whatever the problem is, you can accidentally amplify it by sharing it indiscriminately. Have you ever noticed that when all your friends are buzzing about your problem, they might bring it up and re-engage it months after you’ve solved it? This can just continue the habit of worrying about a problem needlessly.

On the other hand, sometimes you know that you do need to talk about it. When that happens, choose wisely. A professional can often be of great help when you’re dealing with a long-practiced, chronic problem or a very acute, life-changing occurrence.

Use your inner guidance to inform your decision, but don’t hesitate to reach out. If you’re suicidal, call 911.

4. Reframe for gratitude.

No matter what problems you’re facing, or how well-rehearsed your thoughts and feelings are, there is a way to reduce the pressure on yourself through reframing.

Let’s say you’re having a physical problem, such as a sore neck. Although it might be taking a lot of your attention, and the physical pain is not going away anytime soon, you can soothe yourself with facts. For example:

“This pain isn’t going to last forever.”

“Thank goodness I live in a day and age where we have aspirin and other medications available.”

“At least my feet don’t hurt, and I can still get around.”

“My family [or friends] has been really supportive.”

“The physical therapy should be helpful over time.”

“I can watch a great movie to distract me from what’s bothering me.”

If you’re in traffic, be grateful you have a car. If you’re short on money, be grateful that you already have many of the material things you need. If you’re missing someone, be grateful that there are other friends you can call. (And go ahead and make that call!)

When you take the time to listen to your feelings, identify the thought that’s bothering you, and create a new acceptance of it, you relax a little. When you’re relaxed, you will often find solutions that were previously escaping you. And when people make suggestions, you might find that they trigger some thoughts that really help. Perhaps most importantly, if you’re taking action steps to relieve any problem, those steps will be clearer and more successful when you’re optimistic and clear.

Change your default thinking away from habitual complaining. It can change your life.

***

Have you ever had to deal with Negative Nellies? How did you handle it? Did you ever realize that you were the one complaining? Do you have any tips you would add to this list?

-Joel Walton